"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The worst pain
I feel arrives during
the moments of flatness.
The moments when my eyes
hurt so bad
and the contacts must
come out
when my vision is compromised.

Everything bad
originates at my head.
My eyes
my teeth
my nose
my ears
my scalp
my skin
my brain.

All causing the
never ending pain.
I hate this.

On these days
I have to hold myself
particularly still
hoping to not jar any more pain
into my life.

Pain is

I hate pain
even though I consider
it to be a solid fact of life
like the blood that follows me
and my hair, which tangles
no matter what I do.

Times have changed and
now I welcome blissful
blank darkness
even though my love of words
can only be seen
in the light.
The horror.
The light ruins my eyes.
Should have been a cat.
Good clear vision
short life.
Sleepy sunny existence.

Friday, May 24, 2013

One Song Glory

"An interesting theory, let me propose an alternative one:
I am going to win this time.
And this is a theory I have built up
from the following postulates
one- I win every time.
two-this is a time.
three- I will win this time."
~John Finnemore, Cabin Pressure, Paris

I like the Avengers
in the current incarnation.
They are the ones I like and prefer
I like Christopher Nolan's Batman
but I prefer the Catwoman of Tim Burton
and Joss Whedon's second Buffy
to his first
and I liked Cabin in the Woods
and Harry Potter even though I started reading those
too late for them to help my childhood.
I love mythology in all the various incarnations
but the way I view all my forms of media
can be taken in a variety of ways
so I just say that I like them in general
and only try to traumatize people I'm close to.

My friends and I tend to enjoy intense discussions
of various media and fandoms and whatnot
he called me Loki
he said that out of all the Avengers
in the current area
I am Loki.


I struggle
with the concepts of grace
with the concept of love
and forgiveness
and peace.
with the concept of family
and the execution.
because you can be brought to a family
and still not be a part of it.
someone who delights in words and concepts
but is shut down frequently.
I'm dying, save me
but I hate you.
Brothers brothers
Thousands speaking
in my stream of consciousness.
We are not friendly
or nice
or playful
but we could be.
We could be cats purring
or torturing mice
it depends on nothing and

read more.
I am reading
more, but I should
read more. Things like Tumblr
and Reddit are truly entertaining but I need to read
books more, long and laborious and
instead I spend my time on the computer, which is
fun and funny but not particularly fulfilling.
Don't mind me, I'll just be complaining over here
about technology, which makes no fucking sense
since I am deeply in love with my kindle anyway.

I have a love-hate relationship
with my phone. Mostly, I hate the way
it ensures that I am always connected to the
outside world, the way it pulls me out of situations
that I want to be in, how annoying it is when it wakes me out
of the rare sleep I have. I hate that I have to read whatever stupid
fucking inane text or voicemail someone has left me, I hate being interrupted.
I feel like as long as I have my phone, my leash will be on. It
has to be turned off for me to feel like I'm free and even then
I need to turn it back on because I've been conditioned to check
it like my house might be set on fire.
Contrarily, though, I like talking to people. I hate calling them. But I like the
talk, sometimes. I remember pleasant phone calls, back when
I waited for people to call me and liked when I heard
for them. Now I am mostly annoyed.
I'm not sure what I want from my phone
maybe it is just
that I don't want
to have to
have one.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


"not as deceivin' as a low down dirty deceiver."
"Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?"
"Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."


Things I've learned about myself from Tumblr.

Pretty things make me smile.
Anything from the first episode of Game of Thrones makes my inner pain TEN TIMES WORSE.
I feel weird about Doctor Who.
The more obscure things I like have random things too.
There are much, much bigger fans of Joss Whedon. Like terrifyingly.
Good art is subjective. So is good music.
As a person with mental problems/issues/illnesses, I am so far from alone.
Even on the days I feel so isolated, I am not alone.
There are a large subset of people who would sacrifice Glee at an altar of Satan to bring Firefly back.
discovering 'new' music has become much easier.
Everyone loves the kittehs.
There is a fandom for EVERYTHING. This makes my love of obscure, random things much much more easy.
Even when I'm weeping uncontrollably, I'm laughing.

Friday, May 17, 2013

"You have pointed out my flaws again
as if I don't already see them."

It is the day after my birthday
and I am sick
sick sick
and there's a line of bottles
on the desk
that are all prescriptions
and how am I supposed to feel better
if there aren't cats to love me
and purr at me?

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Slices of Bright

I see old pictures
and they remind me of
bright times. Or they seem
bright.Maybe brighter?
 I'm not really sure if it
is real or if it isn't.
Perhaps retrospective sight
makes things friendlier,
because I remember
pain then too,
just processed differently.

I see my friends
even if it is rare
on the high holy days
and I feel a little better
even these days
as dark as they feel
can have slices
of bright.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I don't know if You can hear me, or if You're even there

A few days ago
I read an article
about the Catholic church
and how people were refused entry
without washing their hands.
It was an exceptional article and protest
but it ripped some internal part of me open
and salted the wound.

In the article
the man who wrote
talked about feeling spiritually homeless
and it resonated painfully and profoundly
because I can pass
If I didn't speak the truth
no one would know
and that affords me privilege
that not everyone has

But beyond all that
there is pain
from a person who was raised
to believe that God loved me
as long as I followed the Bible
only to find out that
who I am
doesn't measure up.

And so that's something
that has been floating in my head
for a little while.
Now onward,
to better things!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


you called me
back and I am so
fucking embarrassed
and I haven't even said
anything yet.

I can feel
myself flushing and
feeling flustered and I
haven't even begun to say
the words you might need to hear.

"so many things that
I wish you knew
so many walls up
I can break through"

I hope you
mean it when you say
we can see each other and
I hope you
hear me and
believe me because you
are on my short short list
of people that i give a fuck about
and I care what you think about me
I hope I didn't break things
to where I can't fix them

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I'll be a better sister
this time.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way the words do

This is an apology
to a person who will
probably never read this.

I am cold and mean
at times
brutal and an ass
but I like you

and sometimes I say terrible things
and I won't remember them
because I assume everyone
has the same pain tolerance
that I do
and mine is so very high

I am sorry
that it takes someone else
bringing it to my attention
that I hurt you

I am sorry
I said that I don't trust you
you haven't done anything to prove
that you aren't trustworthy and
while I may have said that in jest
I'm sorry that it was taken as truth
because I do trust you.

I am sorry
that I did not look past my own nose
to see that you were hurting too
and that I didn't see your pain
through my own.

All I can say
is that I suck
a lot
more often than sometimes
and I don't mean to hurt you
and I'll try not to do it any more.

So to be brief
which I can be truly bad at
I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry you were hurt
I was hurt similarly and I know
what you are going through
I'll try not to be so much of a jerk
You are my family
and I miss you
and I love you
and I want you to be around
and I hope you forgive me.

And let me say this out loud.
Because I want you in my life.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

There is a Castle on a Cloud

I am building
my house
right now.

Even though I do not
own one yet
even though I am
borrowing and renting
from someone else
on someone's charity
and love
I am building my house
right now

Figuring out
what I want
to have and to do
with my time and love
and space.

There will be lots of
tea in my house
and music, ever present
and pervasive because why
the fuck not.
Hellboy and Dr. Who and Buffy and Firefly decorations and
probably a Legend of Zelda shield
hanging somewhere
and it will probably be
messy, because there are children
and I am not a neat person at heart
but there will be a clean sink
and one or two cats roaming the house
and books and a kindle scattered hither
thither and yonder.

In my house
a good sense of humor
is appreciated but not required
and the wine glasses will hold more
sparkling grape juice then wine,
and no matter how big or small or medium
it is
there's always room on the couch
if someone needs help
or just a place to sleep for the night.

Public school over private school
and teaching my children to be kind and funny
and creative and
always letting them know that they are loved
no matter what
and having a chalkboard wall
or two.
Because the kids may need to draw on the walls
and so will I.

Love over beauty
in my house.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Scraping the bottom of the barrel here....

In a funny, less introspective
turn of events,
my family and I went shopping a night or two ago
I am not a fan of leaving the house much
for a variety of reasons
but mostly because
having one two year old is hard to deal with
and I have two.

And it made me laugh
because they are so full of innocence
so full of wonder at
rows and rows full of carrots and lettuce
and they can't quite get the freezer doors open
and they insist on holding your hand sometimes
and holding the basket the other.
I never quite know which one.

They continuously stare at absolutely everyone
but when they see children their own age, they
get these giant grins on their faces.
And I try to remember that
when they are throwing fits and fists
and screaming and
I am being triggered.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Off to play with another post

When I am afraid,
to sleep
when things are knocked off the walls
and the lights don't work
and the blinds are open in the windows
after I closed them
I wear his medals
and write lyrics and
and St. Patrick's Rune
on any available
skin. It works:
I slept well last night
no dreams
no breathing.
Quiet today.

On a lighter note,
I've discovered Reddit.
While I dislike a lot
I spent a good three hours yesterday
laughing until I cried on the ask Reddit posts.
So, positives on that one. People are fascinating.
And scary. And terrible.
But terribly funny.

As I listen to this song
I realize that the best advice I ever got
as well as the worst
comes from country music
but seriously
"Be a best friend
tell the truth
overuse I love you
go to work
do your best
don't outsmart your common sense
Love like crazy."
Good, solid advice.

Billy Joel and Disney music
gets a sing-a-long
every. single. time.

Just started watching
Sons of Anarchy.
Mixed feelings.
Want to learn to ride a
motorcycle now.
Thankfully I have
uncles and brother -in-laws
and even possibly a dad
who might be willing to help me

Pleasantly talkative people
making my day.