what
if the words that come out
sound bad
what if people don't like them
what if everyone worries
and thinks that I'm terrible
and that the words are terrible
what if they don't like me for my
ideas
what if I get stuck
what if I never have time
for writing
what if
what if
what if

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way the words do

This is an apology
to a person who will
probably never read this.

I am cold and mean
at times
brutal and an ass
but I like you

and sometimes I say terrible things
and I won't remember them
because I assume everyone
has the same pain tolerance
that I do
and mine is so very high

I am sorry
that it takes someone else
bringing it to my attention
that I hurt you

I am sorry
I said that I don't trust you
you haven't done anything to prove
that you aren't trustworthy and
while I may have said that in jest
I'm sorry that it was taken as truth
because I do trust you.

I am sorry
that I did not look past my own nose
to see that you were hurting too
and that I didn't see your pain
through my own.

All I can say
is that I suck
a lot
more often than sometimes
and I don't mean to hurt you
and I'll try not to do it any more.



So to be brief
which I can be truly bad at
I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry you were hurt
I was hurt similarly and I know
what you are going through
I'll try not to be so much of a jerk
You are my family
and I miss you
and I love you
and I want you to be around
and I hope you forgive me.

And let me say this out loud.
Because I want you in my life.

To an Old Friend

When I think of you
I think of an empty mall
and shirttails hanging out over
khaki skirts
phone in front pocket
the way you paid for her
to get her ears pierced
because you were over age
and we were under age
and we needed an
adult.

And you kept asking me
if I wanted anything
if you could get me
anything
as if gifts and shirts
and dresses
that I tried on
would make up for lost time
for days spent not talking
and nights where I missed
you so bad
I could smell you
on the air.

You were there
where we would dream
of each other
and then wake up the
next morning
and realize
hey
same dream, dear.

Seems silly now
fanciful.

Best Buy and Target
will always make me smile
first
Although after,
my stomach hurts
because I know what
it is like to look at you
across a table
across a room
and not be able
to speak
your name
or hold your hand.

And I don't love you
now
like I loved you
then.

We were the dreamers
way back when
we prayed to Mary and
you still answer the phone
and say
"hey
you."
When I talk to you
which is rare
next to never.

And I pray for you
because living a lie
is hard.
Remember?
I did it.
And it is so difficult.

She never read
the things you wrote to me.
Like next to nothing
I protected your words
like I protected my own


How have I known you
for almost a decade
and only have ten pictures
with you?
I have pictures from you
in orange bathing suits
and with old friends
but we are reduced
to one mall excursion
and a trip to Happy Lamp
and to be
perfectly
painfully
honest,
a pink Dickies bag
that will never go out
of style.

I hope you light a candle
for the me that once was
because the death of her
is still hard for me to deal with
even now.

And I know it doesn't help
(I never could)
but I wish you
the best.