Changin'

What if
instead of telling stories
my gift is telling lies?

My cat tells me
in purrs and loud howls
to give to her
ALL of my lap
not part, not just a leg
but ALL of the lap. Preferably with
both hands petting and scratching and lots
of kisses. She lets me touch her paws, all of them
and rub her chest and belly with impunity
She loves playing with her toys and
cuddling in bed and on the couch and everywhere.

These days I feel so very
pleasant, with wonderful cordiality towards
a great deal of man and woman kind. My
irritation is still easily stirred, but I am smiling more
easily now and getting along more with others and
I am significantly less sad.

The people here
know my name and laugh with me
and wave when I go by
and even though my instinct is to be unfriendly and afraid
I smile and wave back
and even come in sometimes and say hello

And remember what I was like
and who I want to be.

One Song Glory

"An interesting theory, let me propose an alternative one:
I am going to win this time.
And this is a theory I have built up
from the following postulates
one- I win every time.
two-this is a time.
three- I will win this time."
~John Finnemore, Cabin Pressure, Paris


I like the Avengers
in the current incarnation.
They are the ones I like and prefer
I like Christopher Nolan's Batman
but I prefer the Catwoman of Tim Burton
and Joss Whedon's second Buffy
to his first
and I liked Cabin in the Woods
and Harry Potter even though I started reading those
too late for them to help my childhood.
I love mythology in all the various incarnations
but the way I view all my forms of media
can be taken in a variety of ways
so I just say that I like them in general
and only try to traumatize people I'm close to.

My friends and I tend to enjoy intense discussions
of various media and fandoms and whatnot
and
he called me Loki
he said that out of all the Avengers
in the current area
I am Loki.

Awkward.

I struggle
with the concepts of grace
with the concept of love
and forgiveness
and peace.
with the concept of family
and the execution.
because you can be brought to a family
and still not be a part of it.
someone who delights in words and concepts
but is shut down frequently.
I'm dying, save me
but I hate you.
Brothers brothers
brothers.
Thousands speaking
in my stream of consciousness.
We are not friendly
or nice
or playful
but we could be.
We could be cats purring
or torturing mice
it depends on nothing and
everything.



I
should
read more.
I am reading
more, but I should
read more. Things like Tumblr
and Reddit are truly entertaining but I need to read
books more, long and laborious and
instead I spend my time on the computer, which is
fun and funny but not particularly fulfilling.
Don't mind me, I'll just be complaining over here
about technology, which makes no fucking sense
since I am deeply in love with my kindle anyway.

I have a love-hate relationship
with my phone. Mostly, I hate the way
it ensures that I am always connected to the
outside world, the way it pulls me out of situations
that I want to be in, how annoying it is when it wakes me out
of the rare sleep I have. I hate that I have to read whatever stupid
fucking inane text or voicemail someone has left me, I hate being interrupted.
I feel like as long as I have my phone, my leash will be on. It
has to be turned off for me to feel like I'm free and even then
I need to turn it back on because I've been conditioned to check
it like my house might be set on fire.
Contrarily, though, I like talking to people. I hate calling them. But I like the
talk, sometimes. I remember pleasant phone calls, back when
I waited for people to call me and liked when I heard
for them. Now I am mostly annoyed.
I'm not sure what I want from my phone
maybe it is just
that I don't want
to have to
have one.