Players only love you when they're playing.

"listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives
you mad
In the stillness of remembering
what you had."

I paint my nails deep red
so deep
almost black
and it makes the movement of my hands
something I can appreciate
so even if I hate the face I see in the mirror
I can still pull apart the parts of the body
and figure out the ones I like.

the migraines aren't few and far between yet
but the meds work
and regardless, the cat makes me laugh
and I can have dark and quiet occasionally
which allows me to heal these strange internal wounds

Changin'

What if
instead of telling stories
my gift is telling lies?

My cat tells me
in purrs and loud howls
to give to her
ALL of my lap
not part, not just a leg
but ALL of the lap. Preferably with
both hands petting and scratching and lots
of kisses. She lets me touch her paws, all of them
and rub her chest and belly with impunity
She loves playing with her toys and
cuddling in bed and on the couch and everywhere.

These days I feel so very
pleasant, with wonderful cordiality towards
a great deal of man and woman kind. My
irritation is still easily stirred, but I am smiling more
easily now and getting along more with others and
I am significantly less sad.

The people here
know my name and laugh with me
and wave when I go by
and even though my instinct is to be unfriendly and afraid
I smile and wave back
and even come in sometimes and say hello

And remember what I was like
and who I want to be.

Things that Make me Happy

In living
with my own family
in my own place
means that I can eat what I want
and cook when I want
which I enjoy
and I figure out how much to spend on groceries
and when can I afford a cat
and I don't disturb anyone with my actions
and the only people who can disturb me are the ones
I choose to let disturb me.
I have my bookshelf by my bed
arranged in an indecipherable order
and I'm picking out art for the apartment.
I have a blue couch I picked out
that reclines, but is longer than I am
so I can sleep on it and it is beautiful and comfortable
and I have a garden tub, and I can take baths.
I can be me here.

This face
my face is really really
exhausted by the way things are
currently
so I'm going to do what I do best
which is write sad blurbs
and answer questions
if I feel like it.
Life is too sad
to be straightforward about
what's happening right now.

" I don't think that Heaven waits
for only those who congregate...
But I believe in love
I believe in music
I believe in magic
and I believe in you."

I hate skirts. So much.

I have really weird feelings about the Hannibal show.
I've read some really fantastic commentary that encompasses
it, but I'm torn. I really need a few days of quiet so I can watch it
but that would probably result in me being afraid to leave the house
for a while. Visually, it is beautiful. And cannibal related puns are
hilarious. And unintentional. I hope.

After almost three weeks of feeling horrifically ill,
it is a relief to go back to feeling relatively normal.
I'm not good mentally, but physically I'm a lot better.

I wish I could say I'm specifically
a cat or a dog person
I love love love cats
I love the feel of the soft fur
and the soft purr and
the way they bite or claw you randomly
but how most of them love me and knead
my various body parts
and jewel eyes
but I love dogs
I love unconditional love
and tail wags
and barks and slobber
and a large warm body
and exuberant joy at sight.
I just want a pack of cats and dogs
that roam around my house
that eat and snuggle
and roam with me.

Irene Adler's battle dress in Sherlock
made me scream with happiness.

I feel sad and horrible and alone
many minutes and many hours and many days
but there are also minutes and hours of the day
that I feel loved
sometimes when a friend reaches out
or when I'm excited about dinner with a brother
or laughing hysterically over something I've read.

I lived in an apartment with a garden tub
for two or three months
it was glorious.
I like the water I am in to be boiling hot
to the point of being painful
but I am learning to take cool showers.
I'm not currently a fan of baths but I'll
sit in a tub full of painfully hot water every
once in a while.
The cold showers feel good though.

I want one of these quite badly. It will be a while before I buy one
or any of the other many things in this shop
but I love the look of it. Let's be friends, tiny octopus.

The closest thing to me is my phone and kindle.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce books, currently
and rewatching Dr. Who, because I love comfort stuff.
Dr Who isn't comforting so much as familiarly painful
but OH WELL.

I am a Taurus.

Short and Angry

Things that
make me crazy
include the sounds
of cats yowling
and dogs howling
and children crying.

Why does everyone
insist on sound so
fucking mournful
when they are anywhere
near me?
I do not demand
peals of laughter
or screams of
mirth
but something
besides
incessant whining
and crying that
has nothing to do
with pain
and screams that
are simply a result
of demand with no
supply and a dog
who just won't be
quiet
would be nice
for a change.

Cat Gods

Me
Myself
and I
find it very disappointing
that people don't ask me
What God do you serve?
I guess it is because they've seen me at church
or rather, that the Christian God is so pervasive that they
assume that we all worship the all knowing all seeing
perpetually angry and judgemental Abrahamic God.
That has to suck.

When I think about the god I serve,
I have to say
it is the God
of Cats.

And I say
this because when I see a cat
I have to stop and say hello.
When I see a cat, I ask
when did you get fed?
Who last pet you?
What can I do to love you
and have you love me?
It doesn't take much.
Cats can be cruel and capricious
which means fickle
for those you going to look it up
don't worry
I had to also
to make sure it went with
cat gods.

I don't currently own a cat
at least in the definitive sense of the word
And by those standards
I've never owned a cat. Most of them
have been marked 'Property of parents'
which is okay
but in the god sense of the word
I love all cats
and I haven't met one that hasn't loved me yet
and I like to think of it as loving all cats
and all of them loving me
and this seems a silly comparison
but the cat gods
need love on occasion
and food often and sometimes you trip over them
on the way up and down the stairs
and sometimes you don't see them for days
but when they love you
they sit on your shoulders and rub my hair
the cat gods bring peace
because when I see them, I smile
and the voices clear
and all I hear is "Love me."
and that is so simple.
Easy, breezy
and so so beautiful.

I like it when the cat gods
sleep with me. It has been a while
but you haven't lived until you've woken up
from a dead sleep in the pitch black with a weight on
your chest and eyes that shine at you from two inches from
your face.
yes
it is fucking scary
at first.
But then you realize that your chest
is buzzing from the purring
and it is sweet
before the claws come out
and the tiny holes in your chest are bleeding
but to be fair
they mean love
and love is pain.

Sometimes when I'm at my parents house
the cat I don't own, but still love
brings me tribute.
I have received lizards
snakes
and bird heads.
In return, I sneak the cat any
meat I can find.
 I've sat outside for hours
talking to this cat.
He is ridiculous
and sleeps with a rottweiler.
I say he needs better friends
he says I better fucking scratch his head.
In my head, he has
an English accent.
I don't know why.
But I love how he purrs
and tries to sneak in my car
when I'm not looking
and he's been known
to sit his fourteen pound self
on my kids
and lick their faces
like a dog.

So if you come looking
for my god
come see the cats