Players only love you when they're playing.

"listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives
you mad
In the stillness of remembering
what you had."

I paint my nails deep red
so deep
almost black
and it makes the movement of my hands
something I can appreciate
so even if I hate the face I see in the mirror
I can still pull apart the parts of the body
and figure out the ones I like.

the migraines aren't few and far between yet
but the meds work
and regardless, the cat makes me laugh
and I can have dark and quiet occasionally
which allows me to heal these strange internal wounds

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album

which is called Red.

And as usual I got the deluxe edition

and I love it pretty much all over the place

and like I have for the last few albums

I love about half 

and it will take about a month longer

for me to love every song.

For the most part though

I love the songs

they are sad and lovely

and speak to the heart

which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real

In Which I Forgot that this formal makes me feel extremely verbose.

My  body is not an apology.
it may be larger than what I have been used to
but it is functional
and lovely
and frustrating
but it is mine
and my love hate affair with my body
is mine and mine alone

my hair is shot through with red
if I didn't like it, i wouldn't wear it
so stop looking at me like
it is bad
or it is dumb.
my hair
my body
Why is it so hard to figure out
Both me and you
that my body is mine
not yours
and it always has been.

"tattoos are not welcome in my house"
are you crazy?
a tattoo is not a person
a person is not a tattoo
Who cares?
Only someone who is obssessed
with appearances
Which is sad
but also extremely tiring to even think about
and kind of offensive

But I'm not allowed to be offended
I can only offend
"Watch your words
you might hurt someone's feelings
or bring up a mother's protective instinct
you get that right?"
no I don't
I am a mother
but when your child is violent
and painful
and slammed a door into my shoulder
multiple times and tried to frighten my
children by howling and screaming and we
could not get away from you
do not ask me to remember that you were kind
the next day
because you still don't listen to me
when I say I don't want a hug.

Telling someone "I am tired"
is not a personal offense
nor is "the sky is blue"
"the grass is green"
"my pants are clean"
whatWhatWHAT?
Don't be angry
when I tell you I am tired
i am always tired
i have twin two year old boys
I am never not tired
my free time is minimal
my eyes are never totally awake
It is rare I get more than 5-6 hours a night
and my eyes refuse to close
while my children take naps.

When I sing in choir
that is when my soul is still
when I sing for my children
and they quiet and listen to me
my soul gladdens
but when they whine
the world looks darker
but they come to me for comfort and love
and they desire my approval
which is fascinating for so many reasons
mostly because I want my mothers approval still
and I am no where near
their two year world.

I miss old lovers some days
not for the love
but the friendship
some of them have changed so radically
I'd never know them
the atheist pot smoking troublemaker
is a born again evangelical christian
so his big mouth has gone in a
completely different direction
and one who blocked me
so I can't see who or where he is
he hates me though
I broke him
and the one who was a total dork when I dated him
but now is ripped and has a lovely body
but still to me is the dorkiest of the sweet dorks.
I have such funny,  sweet memories of these people
sweet kisses, but sweeter conversations
funny moments in spanish and precalculus
the song that someone said
was our song
that I've never been able to stop
listening to.
even though it makes me tear
every. single. time.

When I sing in the choir
I know the notes or the words
by heart
OR
not both
which gets extremely annoying due to
how difficult some of the music
really is
most of the people there are so nice
I forget what it is like to interact
with groups of adults, or
semi-adults.
People behave, sort of
but they sing
and it is like magic