"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, September 27, 2012

In Which I Forgot that this formal makes me feel extremely verbose.

My  body is not an apology.
it may be larger than what I have been used to
but it is functional
and lovely
and frustrating
but it is mine
and my love hate affair with my body
is mine and mine alone

my hair is shot through with red
if I didn't like it, i wouldn't wear it
so stop looking at me like
it is bad
or it is dumb.
my hair
my body
Why is it so hard to figure out
Both me and you
that my body is mine
not yours
and it always has been.

"tattoos are not welcome in my house"
are you crazy?
a tattoo is not a person
a person is not a tattoo
Who cares?
Only someone who is obssessed
with appearances
Which is sad
but also extremely tiring to even think about
and kind of offensive

But I'm not allowed to be offended
I can only offend
"Watch your words
you might hurt someone's feelings
or bring up a mother's protective instinct
you get that right?"
no I don't
I am a mother
but when your child is violent
and painful
and slammed a door into my shoulder
multiple times and tried to frighten my
children by howling and screaming and we
could not get away from you
do not ask me to remember that you were kind
the next day
because you still don't listen to me
when I say I don't want a hug.

Telling someone "I am tired"
is not a personal offense
nor is "the sky is blue"
"the grass is green"
"my pants are clean"
Don't be angry
when I tell you I am tired
i am always tired
i have twin two year old boys
I am never not tired
my free time is minimal
my eyes are never totally awake
It is rare I get more than 5-6 hours a night
and my eyes refuse to close
while my children take naps.

When I sing in choir
that is when my soul is still
when I sing for my children
and they quiet and listen to me
my soul gladdens
but when they whine
the world looks darker
but they come to me for comfort and love
and they desire my approval
which is fascinating for so many reasons
mostly because I want my mothers approval still
and I am no where near
their two year world.

I miss old lovers some days
not for the love
but the friendship
some of them have changed so radically
I'd never know them
the atheist pot smoking troublemaker
is a born again evangelical christian
so his big mouth has gone in a
completely different direction
and one who blocked me
so I can't see who or where he is
he hates me though
I broke him
and the one who was a total dork when I dated him
but now is ripped and has a lovely body
but still to me is the dorkiest of the sweet dorks.
I have such funny,  sweet memories of these people
sweet kisses, but sweeter conversations
funny moments in spanish and precalculus
the song that someone said
was our song
that I've never been able to stop
listening to.
even though it makes me tear
every. single. time.

When I sing in the choir
I know the notes or the words
by heart
not both
which gets extremely annoying due to
how difficult some of the music
really is
most of the people there are so nice
I forget what it is like to interact
with groups of adults, or
People behave, sort of
but they sing
and it is like magic

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