Yesterday was utterly tiring. My kids are extremely needy these days. Duh, Hellkitten, they are TWO YEARS OLD! But there are two of them. Meep. The days so far have been long and hard. And there was a spider downstairs today. It was HORRIFYING.
So I took the kids and ran upstairs. I've been forgetting that they need dinner, but I've given them cookies. What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember the simple, stupid things? Why is it so hard to keep patient when them being snarky isn't always their fault? Why can't I try to be more patient, more kind, more attentive and less angry, snarky and so.fucking.tired all the damn time?
I feel like such a bad parent. I'm trying to keep my head above water and they still love me and hug me and kiss me, even when I'm feeling bad, even to the point where I have to smile when I see them.
I wish I could cook more. I wish I felt like I had some right to live here, some way that the kitchen is mine. I wish I haven't been walking on eggshells for 11 or more years of my life, it is so tiring and I am so very, very tired. I wish I felt good enough. I wish I didn't feel so needed and so isolated at the same damn time.
I'm just watching Grey's Anatomy and feeling ambivalent. And cruddy. And in need of something that I can't quite name.
"Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows! Oh, oh, suppose you'll never know....."