"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Monday, September 17, 2012

Up, Down and All Over the Place

Oooh that last post was short. Still feeling pretty sick from yesterday.....I'm at about 80% normality, so that is better than the last 36 hours so far. At least not miserable in bed like I was for 90% of yesterday. I hate being sick. I can generally deal with it if it is just me, but with Mike sick too, I've got to take care of me and take care of mike and figure out how to get the babies taken care of as well. While not in my own space. Which is also making me crazy for other reasons, but in that particular case, it just makes it difficult, because I'm afraid to ask for help or get in trouble, even though I've never been given any evidence in this instance that I'm in trouble or that I've made anyone angry.

I think I might be just overly sensitive. That statement makes me laugh, because I tend to be harsher than most, but I tend to get nervous and antsy if I perceive that people are mad at me or might even be heading in that direction. I hate hate HATE it when people are angry at me and haven't gotten to the expressing part of it yet. I much prefer being yelled at than just trying to guess what your random emotions. That shit makes me CRAZY. I also assume that is why I jump straight to yelling when I'm mad. Things I probably need to work on.

In any case though, I feel relatively better. I'm super tired though. I could probably go for a really large nap although I won't attempt it until at least 11 (so maybe an hour an and a half from now). My kids seem content to play with a broom and a dustpan (wtf, guys), and to make sure all the doors are closed (extremely helpful at times) and whining about various things. They also studiously ignore the TV unless they hear music they like, which happens to ONLY be the theme song from the Big Bang Theory. Weird.

I kind of feel like my entire weekend was shot to hell after Saturday night and Sunday. Which is frustrating because I was looking forward to singing in choir and not feeling like I was in recovery all freaking day. I also feel like I've run out of things to write about. Maybe not in reality, because there is a shitload of stuff that I find hard or irritating or frustrating or painful or whatnot. I'm just never sure who is reading it. I'm terminally afraid of people being angry at me or sad at me (?).

But on the other hand, what if they do read it? What if they are mad at me for what I expose to the world? Not that many people read this. And if you are angered or saddened by what you read, is it your own fault for choosing to read it or mine for choosing to write it? Do I change the names or do I make it completely unambiguous? Do I just decide to only write the good stuff and not the painful reality of what is there?

I don't know.


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