"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Shit I don't Say to My Parents

Planned Parenthood isn't bad.

Chick-fil-a can kiss my ass.

I am only going back to church to sing. That is it.

The Bible is truly the most awful book I've ever had the misfortune of reading multiple times. Regardless of how prosaically pretty you may find it (and let it be known, I find much of it pretty and I can probably quote much more of it than you), 90% of it is a terrible life manual.  Please keep this in mind while you are trying to shove various parts of this book down my throat like a giant di- er, hot dog.

As far as the Bible goes, there is some pretty extreme context that neither of you know. Also, most translations are someone ELSE'S idea of what should be being said.

Just because you taught them to me, does not mean that YOUR ideas are automatically correct or that I will be adding them to my family teachings.

Getting older does NOT mean that you automatically turn into an asshole, a conservative, more religious, a better person or even necessarily smarter. It just means you got older. Every one does. What else you become is up to you.

Saying racist things is NOT funny. It is embarrassing and annoying. And you manage to alienate me, because by saying anything to you, I'll be the bad one. Also, you are teaching my brother stuff that will get his ass beat.

Credit cards are not evil.

It is possible to drink responsibly. Stop assuming that I don't know how to, just because your version of teaching me responsibility with alcohol was "LALALALALA DON'T DO IT LALALALLA".

I love my reddish hair.

If he goes into any sort of martial arts, I am giving up that babysitting job.

Buying me dieter's tea and underwear too small is NOT nice. It's an asshole thing to do. You aren't helping.

My body is great the way it is. Seriously.

The devil did not do it. I did it. You did it. Personal responsibility.

If the cops said "But he's a really nice kid," both you and the cop are missing the point. If the cops are there, YOU HAVE JUST NEGATED YOUR OWN DAMN POINT.

If he's already somewhat violent, me leaving books around will not make him MORE violent.

Stop assuming you are right about everything.

If I've told you I deeply dislike a person, why are you trying to force me to spend time with them? What does that accomplish? Especially when I specifically don't do that to you!

If you have to say "But it was just a joke!", chances are I'm not taking it like one. Get ready.

These life lessons (and others that I'm sure will be forthcoming) have been brought to you by me. Learn them, live them. I don't care if you love them or not.


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