This is odd, and i forgot to post it yesterday

Sometimes
I feel my life smoothing
into what could be called
a deeply pleasant routine
and I try my best to try to retain
the bits I really like but the next week
swings around and I can't retain it all so
I just try to make the next week as pleasant
as possible, since most happiness seems transient
anyway.

One of the things
I look forward to
is being able to have my
piano in a room I can access.
I'm still incredibly basic as far
as playing guitar goes, and it is frustrating
and I'd like to be able to quickly practice and
get the music out of my head on an instrument that I
don't really have to think about, but comes rather easily
after years and years of practice. Or maybe it's just so I can
play Pianoman to myself.
What a pity I cannot waltz
and play the piano at the same time.

In the most recent episode of Game of Thrones
which I have not fully caught up on, don't judge
don't tell
there was a moment where my breath caught in my throat
and all I could do was stand from my seat and watch.
And last night
my mother in law asked me
did you see it?
And we spent the next twenty minutes
screeching over that one scene
because of the pride we felt
it makes me laugh
not in an antagonistic way
but rather that the feelings of
primal kinship come out
when one is screaming about dragons
and fire
and how women are meant to rule
and I enjoy how it turns to serious discussions
of inequality in the real world
but first
we give out primal screams
about dragons.

Constant State of Change

"Heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire."

When I look at the the bright white paper
sometimes it is so difficult to let the words
come out.
To tell the truth
because I am afraid
I am always afraid
of judgement
of pain
of loss.
So very afraid
so very angry
so very ugly.

So I let myself be tugged
in all directions.
I let myself go over cliffs
and wonder why it hurts so much
why am I bruised
and cut
and bleeding?

These cracks in my armor
are not for playing with
they are not there to be exploited
they are there to let light and air in occasionally

Where is the me
that took no prisoners
took no bullshit
played the game and knew
she was going to win?

I believe she's in here somewhere
and because of the last three days
she just might be angry
enough to come out and play
again.

Weddings and work zombies

"I'm hell on heels
Baby, I'm coming for you."
~Pistol Annies

I am exhausted these days.
A new job, the first time doing night
shifts turns me into a zombie, a tired angry zombie
and my words are coming out slowly and
I have to spell everything twice for it to look
the way I want it to.
The shifts are starting to get easier,
kind of.
Eight hours of running back and forth
and intense cleaning and chemicals
and barking dogs all night
is more than enough to make my ears ring and
my feet ache by the time hour 6 rolls around
but there are sweet sweet dogs that want nothing
more than you to love them
and cats that purr when I walk by them.
I can listen to my music when I work
which helps the time fly and makes me dance
randomly, which I'm sure the security cameras appreciate.
So while I'm desperately tired and not coping quite as well
as I'd hoped with staying up for more than 24 hours at a time
there are animals that need me and coworkers
that seem okay with my personal brand of crazy
which involves never stopping talking
and screaming loudly if I am surprised.

I danced at a wedding reception a few days ago
and it was hilarious and awkward
because I was one of maybe four people at
any given time dancing
and it was a little odd
because I have years and years of seeing these people
as teachers and adults
and now we are relative equals
and they don't remember me as an almost-child
but I remember them as almost-authority figures
and it gets a little strange in my head
but I laughed and met and talked
with truly kind funny women
and an old enemy
who made me laugh hysterically throughout
the entire wedding
and we had to explain to people the nature
of our relationship
which was so many years as hostile
that in the now, when we are friendly,
we still mess with each other
but it is kinder
because we have known each other
and seen each other in ugly ugly places.
Going to a bar with people
feels so odd in my head
like I'm playing grown up
with the real adults.
But they gave me a drink when I ordered one
and only smiled a little
and all the real grown-ups
let me play with them sometimes
so it all works out in the long run.

Lightning

"I've had lightning in my veins and thunder in my chest
all tangled up in you and trying to catch my breath
I've been chasing that sensation halfway 'round the world
and looking back on what we had
And I've done it all and I've seen it all
But I can't find a feeling like that."

I remember the first time
I heard that song
Gary Allen, you spoke to the bits of
my soul that were still intact.
And once I applied it to a man that
broke all the parts of me at once and a million
times over
because no matter how good the high feels
the come down was always a million times worse
for him.
But whenever I think of him
or he speaks of me
or a photo pops up from facebook or something
I have to remind myself not to say hi
don't look
don't speak
don't touch
and maybe the memories
will fade in time.
They never have.

But even though
there is pain in this song
there were good things
there were pages of letters that
were more like books
and poetry and pens that
made me think of some sort of dreadful
Jane Austen novel.
Oh my gosh
I'm such a fucking elitist
and everyone else is a peasant
and if I happen to become some sort of politician
or person of note
I am so sorry and that was a mean dreadful joke
and you are all lovely and wonderful and I was
just channeling Yyzma from
the Emperor's New Groove.

I always have to remember
to play nice with the other kids
because they are people not playthings
and you shouldn't hurt other people
because it is wrong.

And I've done it all and
I've seen it all
but I can't find a feeling
like that.

If I die Young

If I die young

someone please delete my browser history
without looking through it.
and maybe after the funeral
because I know how people are
and me saying not to look through it
won't stop anyone and I'd rather not have all
my ugly secrets paraded out until I'm already in
the ground or scattered amidst the roses or water or whatever
because by then, I'll be gone and I won't have to listen
to whatever you will be saying about what horrible things
were on my internet!

Christ, that was incredibly morbid way to start anything.
Thankfully, this day has taken a complete turnaround
and where I was afraid of the ending of it, now I welcome the
progression. It is going to get better- I don't feel very sick.
Life can be hard, but people are willing to help you, to
work with you, to make life just a little less hard so you can
learn effectively and not be a zombiebitch to your family. I really
really appreciate that. Because I want to impress and be my best
and help people back. I just can't do that if I'm destroying ALL of my
support systems in the process. But seriously, kind people allow me to
try to be Superman. And I am so so thankful for that.
Even if my superman is closer to Hellboy.
Full of snark
but loves the animals.
Do-able.
I can do this.
I can play the game and
win it.
And still be me.

Being A Doll

On the way home last night
a man asked me "Do you ever listen
to anything that makes you happy?" This was
in reference to me telling him that a certain song made me
feel pretty melancholy. I had to explain to him, that in order
for me to write in a way that makes me feel like I have anything
important to say, some bits of me have to be in pain. To be perfectly
honest, I am in pain of some sort all day every day. But there is something
in the various music I listen to that gives me a visceral outlet for my feelings. It
helps me remember all the bad stuff so I can remember the good stuff. If I shut out
all the bad, I can't get to the good stuff, because in my head it is mixed so deeply that I
can't separate it. I can't remember ever being at a point where I could, but maybe I just can't
remember.

But in my head
there's always a "but'
it's never
'and it was just beautiful.'
I wish there was a way to reprogram
the part of my brain that remembers the bad things
more than the good. I can remember good things but only
in the context of the bad. Which means I will never look at a blue sky
without remembering who I called that day and talked to, and how afraid I was.
And swimming in a pool will always remind me of someone trying to drown me. And
how he wasn't there when I needed him most, even though he always picks up the phone
when I call. There is no way to siphon out the poison in my brain without making everything else
come out too. Maybe that's why I like Dollhouse so much. All that crap,
all gone.

Crappy Second Writing of the Day

In a roundabout way
I asked a question yesterday
and I'm laughing today because I realized
I know multiples of people
with the same fucking initials.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
These aren't like easy ones either.
God my life is so fucking ridiculous
I have laughed so much today
Tumblr is so silly today
and so are Luke and Dan.
And so am I.

So now I'm listening to string quartet covers
of various songs
and let me tell you
Lady Gaga sounds a million times better
with a violin. So does Fall Out Boy. Unfortunately
nothing by the Goo Goo Dolls translates well
to these instruments. Which is unfortunate, once again,
because I like this music. Most musical music translates
rather well, however. Which is helpful. My Chemical Romance is
still up in the air.

She came over
and it was pleasant
because I have missed her forever
but my children make it difficult to interact for
longer than 2 minutes at a time
because they want all the attention.

Second interview tomorrow.
Kind of nervous, but mostly irritated because
it is so early.

When I say "I miss you
Did you miss me?"
He always says back to me
"Yes. Do you miss you?"
And there is always a contemplative silence
afterwards
and I don't think he means for me to
ruminate on this thought for the rest of my
life, but it will always stick with me.
Do I miss me?

Yes.

Ouch my heart

Music by Joshua Radin
is the most melancholy of music
and every time I hear it
I feel my stomach start to hurt.
I love it and it is so raw and beautiful

I always forget that it seems to be specifically
designed to hurt me when I hear it
that there are corners of my heart that crumple into
themselves when I hear the voice
and the sounds
because even if all I have is beautiful
sometimes all I hear is
"I could lost myself in the rough
blue waters of your eyes and I
miss you still."

And then I have to put something else on
because ouch my heart

So learning to play guitar has been
cathartic.
Difficult, as my fingers go through the bruising
and skin loss and build callouses
but the chords and the notes are sticking in my head
and I am remembering more as I go. I am
able to listen to songs and identify the chords.
Learning how accompany singing is a little harder
simply because it is two different rhythms and getting them both
through my head together well
so I'm sticking to memorizing chords and seeing how they apply to the music
I know really well.


No one has called me about the job yet.
Grr. Argh.

Maybe now I will find a house.

NOT THIS DAY!

Fuck,
I've been slacking like crazy in my writing.
I knew something felt off the last few days.
Normally I can crank out some per day
but the last week has felt overcast and dreary as hell.
This day is no different, but I'm actively doing my best to make it better
and figure out my future.
Plan and play
try to make money somewhere
keep up my writing
take care of the kids
pretend to clean once in a while
figure out financial stuff
smoke a cigar
sing all of the music!
See Les Miserables as much as I can
and then buy it on blu-ray.
See my friends
eat leftovers
and pho.
Read a million books and
go back to school.
Make money
play hard
love hard
live.

These are the basic life ambitions of mine.
Things I should do involve
losing weight
finding a house
finding an apartment
run
read
write
go back to school
make money
find job

I spent a good few hours with friends yesterday
and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel insecure about friends a lot, because as many people have
there have been times I have misjudged people
and times they have misjudged me and that can be difficult
but these friends, whether I'm one-on-one, just the three of us or
two couples together, always make me feel normal and funny. We
can talk the hard, difficult stuff and we often do, but a great deal of the
time is spent laughing. Hysterically.
They make me think and laugh and talk. A lot.
I know I have a place on their couch and they know that
we always have a place for them on ours.

I've been reading fanfiction lately. I have to say, the
quality has vastly improved since I was last involved in
that particular community. Granted, I was extremely young
last time I was playing in this area, so I can't really judge whether
it has gotten better or my comprehension has gotten better,
but once again, stories are fuel to my fire and reading stories that
play with characters that I love is deeply enjoyable for me. So there's that.
I'm trying to read as much as possible without spending money. And
I could go to the library, but I could also read free fanfiction and review it
and enjoy playing in the various universes.
And oh, how I do.

I wish I could write about how I feel about all the things
I read about on the websites I read.
The feminist stuff.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about choice
and prostitution
and sex work in general
and the patriarchy
and how to make feminism inclusional
and how women are treated in the religion
I grew up in.
And I'm working on it.
I'm talking about it.
But I want to write about it.
And be open about it.

Maybe one day I'll stop writing like an amateur poet
and actually write the way I want to,
BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!

I will sing and keep singing
until I die.
I have always known the words to these songs
telling me to live and love and learn the hard way,
telling me that this love is ours
and that all you are is mean
and that there's gotta be more to life

but also that I am a Man of Constant Sorrow.

My crimes are many and my sins, oh my sins
forgive us, o lord, our many sins
for they were delicious at the time.

One of the Great Secrets of Adulthood,
as it says on Captain Awkward
I can say no
and I owe no one an explanation.
I'm still learning that
also, that website is the best
seriously
feminism, advice and what self love looks like
also, multiple stories of my life.

Wish I could find a million things to write about
or maybe a story
finding stories is my delight
but it is so difficult
more difficult
the whole world is made of fairy tales it seems
and music
and love, maybe.

This day has been freakishly long
I am pretty tired
and I have played a lot of Darksiders 2
And it is a gorgeous
and visually pleasing game.
But since I suck at most games that
you don't play on the computer
I'm having a hard time getting through it
I know I know
call me a whaaaambulance.
And by saying that, I have accidentally triggered the
part of my brain that sings
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY HEART
BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY.
That's nice.

Boy, I'd like a drink.
Something to take a little bit of an edge off.
Long days and pleasant nights.
at least hopefully.

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album

which is called Red.

And as usual I got the deluxe edition

and I love it pretty much all over the place

and like I have for the last few albums

I love about half 

and it will take about a month longer

for me to love every song.

For the most part though

I love the songs

they are sad and lovely

and speak to the heart

which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real