Weddings and work zombies

"I'm hell on heels
Baby, I'm coming for you."
~Pistol Annies

I am exhausted these days.
A new job, the first time doing night
shifts turns me into a zombie, a tired angry zombie
and my words are coming out slowly and
I have to spell everything twice for it to look
the way I want it to.
The shifts are starting to get easier,
kind of.
Eight hours of running back and forth
and intense cleaning and chemicals
and barking dogs all night
is more than enough to make my ears ring and
my feet ache by the time hour 6 rolls around
but there are sweet sweet dogs that want nothing
more than you to love them
and cats that purr when I walk by them.
I can listen to my music when I work
which helps the time fly and makes me dance
randomly, which I'm sure the security cameras appreciate.
So while I'm desperately tired and not coping quite as well
as I'd hoped with staying up for more than 24 hours at a time
there are animals that need me and coworkers
that seem okay with my personal brand of crazy
which involves never stopping talking
and screaming loudly if I am surprised.

I danced at a wedding reception a few days ago
and it was hilarious and awkward
because I was one of maybe four people at
any given time dancing
and it was a little odd
because I have years and years of seeing these people
as teachers and adults
and now we are relative equals
and they don't remember me as an almost-child
but I remember them as almost-authority figures
and it gets a little strange in my head
but I laughed and met and talked
with truly kind funny women
and an old enemy
who made me laugh hysterically throughout
the entire wedding
and we had to explain to people the nature
of our relationship
which was so many years as hostile
that in the now, when we are friendly,
we still mess with each other
but it is kinder
because we have known each other
and seen each other in ugly ugly places.
Going to a bar with people
feels so odd in my head
like I'm playing grown up
with the real adults.
But they gave me a drink when I ordered one
and only smiled a little
and all the real grown-ups
let me play with them sometimes
so it all works out in the long run.

Perfection

So I did the wedding thing this last weekend.

I was a bridesmaid. I wore a floor length royal blue dress. The wedding was fantastic. I’m friends with both bride and groom, and so is my husband, who was a groomsman. We had such a good weekend.  I loved every minute of it. I stressed out a bunch, because that’s just who I am, and I have a hard time letting go, but eventually, I just did and it was so fantastic. I got along with all the bridesmaids and all the groomsmen. I definitely felt like the youngest person there, and I was definitely the youngest adult there. I made people laugh. I howled with laughter every time there was a gathering this weekend. I spent hours naked in bed with my husband. I ate some fantastic food. At the wedding, the bride and groom asked me and mike to come sit with them, which made my night just that much fantastic-er. I had several perfect dances with my husband. I found a beer that was actually drinkable.

I calmed down the bride.  I got to hold her dress going up the stairs. I cackled with the groom about damn near everything. I almost tripped over my own dress about 15 times. I got choked up when the bride and groom said their vows. I made some new friends. I did the Macarena. I got very very very tired. I straightened my hair. I got a little annoyed with my husband. I missed my kids. I painted my nails to perfection. I forgot my cowboy boots. I cried on the drive home, not just because my husband pissed me off, but because I was sad to leave. I love the bride and groom. Thinking about this weekend makes me very happy and sad because it was a fantastic weekend and I’m going to miss it. Mostly I’m just glad the bride and groom are moving to my town in about two weeks or so.  

I hate being without either of them for too long. They make me smile.

Hate, Mercy and Weddings----the crazy that lives in my mind

I've been reading posts over at Four Times The Fun and on reading the comments about another blog (not linking up, you can find it over there, under lunatic watch), I have concluded there are some very scary people in this world.

"The same principle applies to charitable acts of kindness, which I'm guessing is the value that parents are trying to instill when they teach their children to "share". What they are really teaching them is Communism" <------this is from the actual blog. WHAT THE EFF?

Also, apparently there are whole christian movements who think that women should have as many children as possible (Quiverfull Movement) and submit wholly to their husbands(as in literal kitchen and bedroom only, don't vote and homeschool the kids) and still others who think that daughters should not be college educated. IVF is evil, homos are evil, divorce is always wrong.

I find these beliefs deeply disturbing. I am a 19 year old parent of twins. I do NOT always agree with my fiance or my father and it doesn't make me evil or bad (just irritating). I don't always wear the most modest clothes but I'm not sexually promiscuous, I never have been. I think that divorce is a necessary evil and I think there are definitely circumstances that make it okay. I also think that while getting to know your partner is an integral part of getting married, I also think that people can hide the bad parts of themselves really well and I also believe that people change and not always for the better.

I think that our God is a merciful God and that His love and mercy covers depths that we cannot even describe or understand. "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do". Forgiveness goes beyond repentance. Love goes beyond sin. So when I hear that someone is going to hell, or that their in hell, I understand the sentiment, but we don't know how far a loving God's mercy extends. And I'm greatful for that. So, I'll do my best not to condemn anyone with my words and instead, maybe, show mercy that my Father shows me.

I went to college, I fully plan on going back. I can't wait to go back to school and work, but I also fully plan on making sure my kids get a good education, are well fed, feel loved and disciplined. I plan on playing with them as much as I can, and teaching them what I can and what I know and have learned over my years.

I plan on continuing to be a good mommy but also to continue being Megan as much as I can. I think that's one of the hardest parts of my life right now, trying to be me in the midst of organizing and being mom and planning and trying to be what everyone wants me to be. That mixed with all the various traumas I've either been put through or have put myself through are making me a little wacky and making it harder to find the megan through the various other jobs and personas. I also feel the happiest I've ever been these days. I want to get married. I have all these ambitions and I'm dying to get started and I feel like the road is beckoning me the further I walk upon it. I can't wait.

Day 6- 30 Facts

Thirty Facts About Yours Truly

1. As an answer to a comment on Day 4, there are some aspects of Wicca as well as Judaism that I find interesting. I love the ritual of these particular religions, and the idea of a feminine God, as well as a masculine one. I love a religion that allows you to find the God in everything. It goes along with zero point energy and tesla and some incredible things. Namaste, which means "the God in me sees and honors the God in you." I'm trying to live that these days and it's hard but it helps me remember.

Or maybe it's just because I want to be her...

2. I love Taylor Swift. I love her music, I love her writing, I love that she seems like the nicest person in the whole wide world.

3. Joss Whedon. 'Nuff said.

4. I have an intense fear that once I become a nurse, I'll end up working under a doctor that I know. There are some I'd be okay with (Hi Whitney!) but there are some that would be SO bad. There are NO words. Great, Megan, decide to be a nurse and then have plenty of future doctors hate your guts. Fortunately, if I become a nurse within the next 4 years, I'll be well established wherever I'm working LONG before they become real doctors (not you, whitney!).

5. I love music. I hate sharing what kind I love, though, and that tends to make people crazy. If you hang around long enough, though, you may find out. I also love new types of music, so if you introduce someone to me and I like them, I tend to LOVE them.

Someone introduced this song to me my senior year and I love it SO MUCH. Both of these artists are people I NEVER would have tried on my own but because someone heard this song and thought of me, I checked them out and I love the artists now! :) I love sharing. Just not when I am the one sharing.

6. I write fiction. I'm working on transferring from fanfiction to fiction. I am not proud of my fanfiction, as the silliness of it embarrasses me and I'm pretty sure it's still floating around the internets somewhere, waiting for me to become famous and then it will pop out at me and scream something along the lines of "LOOK AT THE SHIT THIS GIRL WROTE!" And then I will curl up in a ball and die.

7. When I have a daughter, I have a name picked out.

Illyria. I love it. And Michaela. I'm just not sure which order.

8. The new apartment deal (which I'll write about later) is blowing my mind.

9. My twin boys are 6 months old! That just is crazy!

10. Hellkitten is my favorite nickname. It was given to me by a friend my sophomore year of high school. I don't know if he gave this name to anyone else, but it has a very special place in my heart because it characterizes me so perfectly and because this particular person gave it to me. I doubt he reads this, but in case he does, thank you so much for your love and friendship.

11. The group of 3 girls and I that are best friends made my high school experience great. I had a million things go wrong in high school, but the girl friends I got made it all worthwhile.

12. The name of my blog comes from the Gunslinger books by Stephen King. The entire quote is this :

"He taught me if you kill what you love, you're damned."
"I am damned already," Roland said calmly. "But perhaps even the damned may be saved."

13. I find Weeds to be the funniest show I've ever seen. I literally laugh out loud every time I see an episode. That's a rare thing in a TV show.

14. I found the perfect Caesar salad at Carinos. I am not even kidding. It is the most delicious salad I've ever had. The world is a better place with it.

15. This is the first year I've ever liked bagels. I'm still trying to figure out how I went for so long without them. They are epic and delicious and oh sweet Jeebus, WHY am I on a diet right now????

16. At this moment, the book I am enjoying most is a Neil Gaiman book by the name of American Gods. As someone who has spent years reading about mythology of all kinds, this book rings wonderfully and painfully true. I love the cautions of not to forget the old Gods to the new gods. It makes you think about what is the truth. But in a funny way. Neverwhere is also excellent!

17. I hate fighting. Sometimes I'm snarky and argumentative but when I'm really angry and truly arguing with someone, whether it's my parents or mike, I feel sick afterwards, like the adrenaline took all the strength I had in me. I also have been known to shake.

18. I love to sleep. The addiction started late pregnancy and now it's my favorite thing!

19. I hate bland colors of nail polish. If your nails are already pink, what is the point of painting them some ridiculous pink/tan washed out color? Why not be bold? I love red. And occasionally blue.

20. I love bagpipes and Scottish music. I love the haunting and the melancholy and I love the dancing music.

21. Glee and Grey's Anatomy are my weekly guilty pleasures. I'm not proud of them, they are like a sonic double cheeseburger, amazing and delicious, but horribly bad for you. Well, at least Glee is.

22. My first kiss (both of them) with my fiance was at a church. Yeah, I know, BAD slutty megan! Places I've had first kisses are garages, next to the front door of Elkins, stairways, in a garage, at Vacation Bible School and church. I'm so going to hell.

23. I love love love chocolate. Which sucks, because it makes me super depressed but Cadbury and Lindt are amazing and I can't bring myself to give it up.

24. I love coke. The brown stuff, poured over ice stuff. It is delicious and it can eat your liver. Much like me.

25. I need a job so badly, it is not even funny. I love my twins, but I need some adult conversations SOON. Dear Hooters....

26. Speaking of which, I've never been to a Hooters. Any takers? Must go on bucket list.

27. Looking at expensive things makes me cranky. Hence, I rarely go shopping. Things are so pretty but I rarely can have them, or buy them so I don't like tempting myself.

28. I'm thinking about tattoos currently. Much to Mike's horror. If I get one (big if, by the way, and when), it would probably span from under the side of my breast across my back to my lower hip. I'm still looking at different designs and whatnot. And deciding whether I want to or not.

29. I desperately love my kindle. Mike and my parents gave me one and it is WONDERFUL! I love having a light, accessible 173 books. I am slowly replenishing all the books I sold. Hello, Stephen King, I'll be supplying you with my money today!

30. I am getting married Saturday, October 13, 2012. This excites me like you wouldn't believe. Looking at how to plan a wedding looks hard, but honestly? I can't wait.