Cat Gods

Me
Myself
and I
find it very disappointing
that people don't ask me
What God do you serve?
I guess it is because they've seen me at church
or rather, that the Christian God is so pervasive that they
assume that we all worship the all knowing all seeing
perpetually angry and judgemental Abrahamic God.
That has to suck.

When I think about the god I serve,
I have to say
it is the God
of Cats.

And I say
this because when I see a cat
I have to stop and say hello.
When I see a cat, I ask
when did you get fed?
Who last pet you?
What can I do to love you
and have you love me?
It doesn't take much.
Cats can be cruel and capricious
which means fickle
for those you going to look it up
don't worry
I had to also
to make sure it went with
cat gods.

I don't currently own a cat
at least in the definitive sense of the word
And by those standards
I've never owned a cat. Most of them
have been marked 'Property of parents'
which is okay
but in the god sense of the word
I love all cats
and I haven't met one that hasn't loved me yet
and I like to think of it as loving all cats
and all of them loving me
and this seems a silly comparison
but the cat gods
need love on occasion
and food often and sometimes you trip over them
on the way up and down the stairs
and sometimes you don't see them for days
but when they love you
they sit on your shoulders and rub my hair
the cat gods bring peace
because when I see them, I smile
and the voices clear
and all I hear is "Love me."
and that is so simple.
Easy, breezy
and so so beautiful.

I like it when the cat gods
sleep with me. It has been a while
but you haven't lived until you've woken up
from a dead sleep in the pitch black with a weight on
your chest and eyes that shine at you from two inches from
your face.
yes
it is fucking scary
at first.
But then you realize that your chest
is buzzing from the purring
and it is sweet
before the claws come out
and the tiny holes in your chest are bleeding
but to be fair
they mean love
and love is pain.

Sometimes when I'm at my parents house
the cat I don't own, but still love
brings me tribute.
I have received lizards
snakes
and bird heads.
In return, I sneak the cat any
meat I can find.
 I've sat outside for hours
talking to this cat.
He is ridiculous
and sleeps with a rottweiler.
I say he needs better friends
he says I better fucking scratch his head.
In my head, he has
an English accent.
I don't know why.
But I love how he purrs
and tries to sneak in my car
when I'm not looking
and he's been known
to sit his fourteen pound self
on my kids
and lick their faces
like a dog.

So if you come looking
for my god
come see the cats

Oh today

" I confess to almighty God
 and to you, my brothers and sisters
that I have sinned through my own fault
in my thought and in my words
through what I have done
and what I have failed to do."

I confess
that the majority of the time
I do not know if I believe in God.
I believe that there is some higher power
but I doubt it is only limited to a
Christian belief.
But I sing in the choir at my church any way
because there is power in the
kyrie eleison
and because
there is no where else to cultivate
the music that lives
somewhere in me.

I confess
that I hate the way people look at me some
times.
Like I am a pretty head
on a fat body.
And I am, I am overweight
and I like to eat
and drink
and laugh loudly.

I confess
that feeling tipsy saturday night
felt so good
I laughed so loudly
and had trouble walking straight
even in flats
but it felt good
and made me forget
and
and
and

I confess that even if
I don't believe in the words of the Mass
I hear these words in my head
when I sleep
because 21 years hearing them once a week
will make them stuck.
and I don't think they are perfect
or good
or right
but I hear them anyway

Hate, Mercy and Weddings----the crazy that lives in my mind

I've been reading posts over at Four Times The Fun and on reading the comments about another blog (not linking up, you can find it over there, under lunatic watch), I have concluded there are some very scary people in this world.

"The same principle applies to charitable acts of kindness, which I'm guessing is the value that parents are trying to instill when they teach their children to "share". What they are really teaching them is Communism" <------this is from the actual blog. WHAT THE EFF?

Also, apparently there are whole christian movements who think that women should have as many children as possible (Quiverfull Movement) and submit wholly to their husbands(as in literal kitchen and bedroom only, don't vote and homeschool the kids) and still others who think that daughters should not be college educated. IVF is evil, homos are evil, divorce is always wrong.

I find these beliefs deeply disturbing. I am a 19 year old parent of twins. I do NOT always agree with my fiance or my father and it doesn't make me evil or bad (just irritating). I don't always wear the most modest clothes but I'm not sexually promiscuous, I never have been. I think that divorce is a necessary evil and I think there are definitely circumstances that make it okay. I also think that while getting to know your partner is an integral part of getting married, I also think that people can hide the bad parts of themselves really well and I also believe that people change and not always for the better.

I think that our God is a merciful God and that His love and mercy covers depths that we cannot even describe or understand. "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do". Forgiveness goes beyond repentance. Love goes beyond sin. So when I hear that someone is going to hell, or that their in hell, I understand the sentiment, but we don't know how far a loving God's mercy extends. And I'm greatful for that. So, I'll do my best not to condemn anyone with my words and instead, maybe, show mercy that my Father shows me.

I went to college, I fully plan on going back. I can't wait to go back to school and work, but I also fully plan on making sure my kids get a good education, are well fed, feel loved and disciplined. I plan on playing with them as much as I can, and teaching them what I can and what I know and have learned over my years.

I plan on continuing to be a good mommy but also to continue being Megan as much as I can. I think that's one of the hardest parts of my life right now, trying to be me in the midst of organizing and being mom and planning and trying to be what everyone wants me to be. That mixed with all the various traumas I've either been put through or have put myself through are making me a little wacky and making it harder to find the megan through the various other jobs and personas. I also feel the happiest I've ever been these days. I want to get married. I have all these ambitions and I'm dying to get started and I feel like the road is beckoning me the further I walk upon it. I can't wait.