Scars

"I do recall now the smell of the rain
fresh off the pavement...
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
and now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
all that I know is I don't know
how to be something you miss."

"Hope it is nice where you are."

It was nice
and odd hearing from you today
I always feel so odd
hostile and kind
like I miss you
and I hate you
and I always wonder how long it will be
until I see you again
wish you'd talk to me more
How do you feel about Pacific Rim?
Do you still think of me in the morning?
Our random catch-ups make me wonder
how you are.

Whether or not I see you
I'll miss you.

Headaches and Jobs

"So I start a fight
'cause I need to feel something
and you do what you want
'cause I'm not what you wanted...
...and you came away with a great little story
of a mess of a dreamer
with the nerve to adore you....
You never did give a damn
baby, but I cried, cried for you
and I know you wouldn't have told nobody
if I died, died for you."
~Taylor Swift


I have a headache today.
This may seem like a minor occurrence
to an innocent bystander, but for me,
headaches are debilitating things that I'm constantly managing
generally on a chronic level.
But it's been under control for about the last week
and maybe it is because I've been so exhausted from work
that I haven't noticed that they are there.
So there's that. It is frustrating and the medication that usually works
within ten minutes is taking extra long today and I need to make sure
that I have plenty of water and whatnot before and during work tonight
so I can stop feeling like I'm going to drop dead. Not that that will stop anytime
soon, because full night shifts would make any one pretty damn tired. But I have friends
to see and look forward too and I can listen to music and it all works out. And I have lunch at one or so in the morning. Which is nice, and I have friends that sometimes will talk to me at truly heinous hours
in the morning and I am building up my ability to walk for seven hours straight because there
are no chairs in the break room!
This is my first night doing things under my own power, with no trainer.
I find this terrifying. I know how to do things, strangely enough, my brain retains
things even from 9 pm to 6 am but I have a great desire not to fuck this job up.
I like the people and the animals and the manual labor. I like feeling my arms and legs and
breathing change the more I do this. I like that when I crank the music up,
the night and the job goes by faster. I like that once I've figured out my
own way of going through the check list of things to do
no one is going to tell me my way is wrong, as long
as they are all done.
But the headache is fading
and I can't think of too much else to write today
because I'm nervous and scared I'll fuck up my job
and I can't afford to
and I don't want to

But I'll do fine.

The Story of not-us

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say they're the lucky ones

I used to know my spot was next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up, I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me

Oh I'm scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud


Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love then fight

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
Now, now

And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me?

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
'Cause we're going down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

The end

Fun stuff to do today.

Dreadful Sorry, Clementine

"Now I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss.
...So I'll watch your life in pictures
Like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used
to feel you breathe
And I keep up with
our old friends just to ask them
how you are
hope it's nice where you are."
~Taylor Swift


I have been listening to Taylor Swift
since 2006, when my dad bought me her
album and told me that she was gonna be big.
My dad has always had the ability to see through to
the heart of things, and listening to her has always helped
me to be inspired.
But today is technically the first day of my new job
and while I am excited
I am so nervous, I may have lost my words.

Painful Memories

"Now we're standing alone
in a crowded room and
we're not speaking
and I'm dying to know
is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
since the twist of fate when it all broke down
and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side."
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I cannot count the amount of times
I have felt exactly like this damn song.
Every time I play it, I am shot back to
my best friends graduation when I saw my
ex boyfriend there. My mom was there and
she saw him and I couldn't even look at him
with her there but all I could see was him
and it was horribly painful, because all I wanted to do
was walk up to him and hug him and tell him how much I had
missed him over the last 8 months. How hard it was to break up
with him and how much I missed talking to him all the time
and how weird and difficult high school was without him
to talk to. How after four years, his arms still felt like the home I
always wanted, But instead I stared off to the side
and my mom watched me and I called him later and said
that I was sorry for how weird that night was. I think I stared
at the ceiling as much as possible and he did his best not to
look at me too much.

I want to say that was the last time that I saw
him in a public setting. I am pretty sure we've seen each other
since then. But it was the last time we were in public with
each other.
The memories of that night bring me so much pain. I had to
get in the car with my mom and pretend that nothing had happened.
That I wasn't screaming internally and feeling emotionally bruised.
That there wasn't years of memories that were painfully flashing through
my mind that ride home. That I wasn't remembering every kiss
every car ride, every le Madeleine's meal, every hair cut and hand hold,
every letter and message and IM and phone call.
But instead, I was quiet on the way home and went to bed
and my mom praised me for conducting myself so well that night
and not showing him anything.
and I was proud of myself for about ten minutes
and then I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep
because I was going to graduate soon as well
and because I had to be strong
and not go there again.

Just in case you read this
(I know you do sometimes)
I remember you
I miss you sometimes.
I am sorry we never saw the
light of day.
We were perfect for that time.
Romeo and Juliet
but then we died. And I know that I don't want
to re-animate the dead
but the memories make me smile
and weep for what we once had.
I hope one day that you
are as happy as I am.
Preferably without children though
because that mental image is a deeply disturbing one
but with lots of cats.

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album

which is called Red.

And as usual I got the deluxe edition

and I love it pretty much all over the place

and like I have for the last few albums

I love about half 

and it will take about a month longer

for me to love every song.

For the most part though

I love the songs

they are sad and lovely

and speak to the heart

which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real

I now have 2 year old twin boys, officially. Sunday was their birthday. This weekend has been extremely long. Birthday festivities have gone on all weekend but they should all be done now.

Thank God.

There is a new Taylor Swift song out called Begin Again. It is fantastic, and will get the We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together out of my head, which is good, because I can only handle that song for so long. Fortunately her album comes out soon so hooray for more good songs!

That song though.....reminds me of meeting Mike. It is finding a new person but still remember the old one and finally realizing that good stuff can come from the new person, even if you are still hurting.

"I’ve been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does 
Is break and burn and end 
Then on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again"

I remember how that felt. Oh Taylor, always with the feels!

I am so tired these days. Not that that is anything new but just so you know. My nails are red and my wedding ring fits again. I feel so lonely most days. I wish sometimes that I was in college and I'm looking for a night job. I'd love to be a waitress and make some cash.

When we move out of my in-laws house, which hopefully will be soon, life will be tight. Oh wow, everytime I say that "hopefully will be soon", I FEEL LIKE I AM LYING! Who am I kidding, I am totally lying. It will be forever and when and if it ever does, it will be a huge fucking surprise.

Oh god, my dad has started buying rap on Itunes. The world has burst into flames. OH MY GOD. I cannot even.....asdkafjdklsa

What is Happiness.

What is happiness to me?

It is hearing the rain fall and the thunder roll so loudly, it drowns out my thoughts.

It is the quiet time after a big crowd.

It is a sleep, where I wake up smiling.

It is seeing my babies smile, stretch, and laugh.

It is listening to Taylor Swift or Lady Antebellum.

It is reading my latest Warhammer 40,000 book, which is strangely funny. Weird, right? Caiphas Cain, you are too weird for words.

It is reading The Walking Dead. Oh zombie apocalypse, you make my life joyful and wonderous. Even with horrific spoilers in the first. fucking. book. damn it damn it damn it.

It is watching Charmed. Almost as excellent as Buffy. Almost.

It is reading a A+ certification textbook and realizing that I know most of it.

It is wearing a snuggie.

It is being with friends that you miss everyday.

It is taking a nap with my person.

It is holding hands with the man of my dreams.

It is finding the best pair of leather high heeled shoes for $45.

It is watching David Bowie in Labrynth.

It is Repo! The Genetic Opera.

It is loving someone else more than I could ever imagine.

It is a pair of jeans that fit perfectly.

It is OPI nail polish.

It is warm shells and cold steel.

It is knowing who is going to be with you forever.

It is roses.

It is love.