"So I start a fight
'cause I need to feel something
and you do what you want
'cause I'm not what you wanted...
...and you came away with a great little story
of a mess of a dreamer
with the nerve to adore you....
You never did give a damn
baby, but I cried, cried for you
and I know you wouldn't have told nobody
if I died, died for you."
I have a headache today.
This may seem like a minor occurrence
to an innocent bystander, but for me,
headaches are debilitating things that I'm constantly managing
generally on a chronic level.
But it's been under control for about the last week
and maybe it is because I've been so exhausted from work
that I haven't noticed that they are there.
So there's that. It is frustrating and the medication that usually works
within ten minutes is taking extra long today and I need to make sure
that I have plenty of water and whatnot before and during work tonight
so I can stop feeling like I'm going to drop dead. Not that that will stop anytime
soon, because full night shifts would make any one pretty damn tired. But I have friends
to see and look forward too and I can listen to music and it all works out. And I have lunch at one or so in the morning. Which is nice, and I have friends that sometimes will talk to me at truly heinous hours
in the morning and I am building up my ability to walk for seven hours straight because there
are no chairs in the break room!
This is my first night doing things under my own power, with no trainer.
I find this terrifying. I know how to do things, strangely enough, my brain retains
things even from 9 pm to 6 am but I have a great desire not to fuck this job up.
I like the people and the animals and the manual labor. I like feeling my arms and legs and
breathing change the more I do this. I like that when I crank the music up,
the night and the job goes by faster. I like that once I've figured out my
own way of going through the check list of things to do
no one is going to tell me my way is wrong, as long
as they are all done.
But the headache is fading
and I can't think of too much else to write today
because I'm nervous and scared I'll fuck up my job
and I can't afford to
and I don't want to
But I'll do fine.