Sigh

Days that I am
counting down towards
take the longest. I ceased doing
that many years ago, counting down days
until that certain event happens. I do better with 1-2 days
of preparation rather than weeks of stressing, even if it is excited
stressful.
For the last week, my mind
has been a relatively pleasant
place to be around, or so says
everyone. I assume it is somewhere
between anticipation and the extreme
exhaustion that my job leads to. I don't know
what makes me feel more tired, dogs all night or
toddlers all day. Either way, though, doing it for days
in a row makes my brain turn to mush. It may be pleasant
for the people around me, because a lot less pisses me off outwardly
when I'm tired, but the reality is that all the hostility is just building.
The way of the personalHulk includes being angry all the time
it is just the learning to control it that is the hard part.

I am angry
I am complaining about
wanting to be solitary
and then complaining about being
lonely during my days and nights
but the reality is that being alone is not being alone
if there are 40 dogs there, or 2 toddlers, because
even if I feel horribly lonely
I cannot be alone
with all the barking and
the talking
and the screaming
and the squealing.
It is impossible.
But you can be alone
with another person.

Which is something I'm looking forward to
multiple times for the rest of the year.

This is not what I wanted to write about
but alas,
happiness and excitement
mixed with exhaustiveness and frustration
are not producing
good results.

Little Miss You'll Go Far, Little Miss Hide Your Scars

Picked you out and picked you upHopin' that my luck would changeLet the summer fill my lungsSuperstition fill my brain
DandelionA million little wishes float across the skyBut it's a waste of breath and a waste of time, I knowCause just like him, you always leave me cryingDandelion
Send you dancing on the breezeAnd like a stupid little girlI spent my wishes on a weedThinkin' it could change my world
DandelionA million little wishes float across the skyBut it's a waste of breath and a waste of time, I knowCause just like him, you always leave me cryingDandelion
Falling stars and lucky penniesHave let me down so many times beforeAnd you're just one more
Oh, dandelion, woahOh, dandelionI'm always blowin' kisses out across the skyBut it's a waste of breath and a waste of time, I knowCause just like him, you always leave me cryingDandelionDandelion~ Kacey Musgraves

Last night, I bought the Kacey Musgraves albumand I must say, it is by far one of the most enjoyable listening experiences I've had in a long long time. I bought itin preparation for my first night at work. An excellent, inconvenient countryalbum that I won't expect to hear too much of on the radio, but here's hoping,because her writing is incredible, on top of having a lovely voice. Very relatable.
 Speaking of which, it was a long, quiet night. Quieter than I expected, but full of plenty of work, untilthe very end. I sang for a few hours, which I conveniently forgot about but then I drove home and my voice cracked the entire way. 
Very few dogs, no cats. So mostly cleaning and prepping for the next dayand no one has called me to say that I did badly or that they are going to fire me so I suppose I did alright. That's good. I'm still pretty damn tired, but that is going to be true until tomorrow morning, most likely. I want to be productive today, I do, but it is all I can do to drag myselfto go see my friends tonight. Must. Be. Human.But my feet don't hurt hardly at all any more while working.
The pain is migrating, but it will eventually wear itself out and that's good. I can feel where my body is changing. Andit hurts, but it is worth it. Things feel different. Unfortunately,the whole part time job makes it more difficult to rewire my brainand body to accept staying up at night and sleeping during the daysince it will only happen 2-3 nights a week. And I already have extreme difficultysleeping during the night.
But this morning, I came home after dropping off the kidsand I looked at the time and it was nineand I... I think I was laying in bed.And then I woke up and it was 2.It was so fast, I lost some timeand that feels odd, because it didn't take any Ambien or anything. It was just 2 all of a suddenand 4 missed texts and 8 missed calls and 30 emailslater because I was so tired I didn't hear any of it.And while it gave me a heart attack, because I'm not used to succumbing to sleep quite so heartilyIt was so lovely and so quiet in my headfor those hours.My head hasn't been this quiet in yearsand it has lasted. It is almost six and it is still quiet in here.Thank you, brain, for accepting good things on occasion. I appreciate it so much.
I'm writing choppilyand I'm not a fan of how it looks or soundsbut it is what is in my head and it is like one straight lineinstead of tens and hundreds of curvy swoopsand for art, that is okay, for my head I can deal with thatbut the comfort of just one internal voicethat is freakishly contentis so damn good.

Headaches and Jobs

"So I start a fight
'cause I need to feel something
and you do what you want
'cause I'm not what you wanted...
...and you came away with a great little story
of a mess of a dreamer
with the nerve to adore you....
You never did give a damn
baby, but I cried, cried for you
and I know you wouldn't have told nobody
if I died, died for you."
~Taylor Swift


I have a headache today.
This may seem like a minor occurrence
to an innocent bystander, but for me,
headaches are debilitating things that I'm constantly managing
generally on a chronic level.
But it's been under control for about the last week
and maybe it is because I've been so exhausted from work
that I haven't noticed that they are there.
So there's that. It is frustrating and the medication that usually works
within ten minutes is taking extra long today and I need to make sure
that I have plenty of water and whatnot before and during work tonight
so I can stop feeling like I'm going to drop dead. Not that that will stop anytime
soon, because full night shifts would make any one pretty damn tired. But I have friends
to see and look forward too and I can listen to music and it all works out. And I have lunch at one or so in the morning. Which is nice, and I have friends that sometimes will talk to me at truly heinous hours
in the morning and I am building up my ability to walk for seven hours straight because there
are no chairs in the break room!
This is my first night doing things under my own power, with no trainer.
I find this terrifying. I know how to do things, strangely enough, my brain retains
things even from 9 pm to 6 am but I have a great desire not to fuck this job up.
I like the people and the animals and the manual labor. I like feeling my arms and legs and
breathing change the more I do this. I like that when I crank the music up,
the night and the job goes by faster. I like that once I've figured out my
own way of going through the check list of things to do
no one is going to tell me my way is wrong, as long
as they are all done.
But the headache is fading
and I can't think of too much else to write today
because I'm nervous and scared I'll fuck up my job
and I can't afford to
and I don't want to

But I'll do fine.

Dreadful Sorry, Clementine

"Now I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss.
...So I'll watch your life in pictures
Like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used
to feel you breathe
And I keep up with
our old friends just to ask them
how you are
hope it's nice where you are."
~Taylor Swift


I have been listening to Taylor Swift
since 2006, when my dad bought me her
album and told me that she was gonna be big.
My dad has always had the ability to see through to
the heart of things, and listening to her has always helped
me to be inspired.
But today is technically the first day of my new job
and while I am excited
I am so nervous, I may have lost my words.

HULK TIRED

I got the job!
I am a dry kind of elated.

Today, Anita Sarkeesian, of Feminist Frequency
put out the first of multiple videos on Tropes vs.
Women in Video games. I am ridiculously excited about
this, as I have been waiting for since last May for this
and it has finally started!


So, to rehash
SO HAPPY GOT JOB.
SO HAPPY NEW FEMINIST VIDEO GAME VIDEO.

HULK GO NAP NOW BEFORE ALL THE BIRTHDAY
STUFF.

I am riding the endorphin rush
that comes from getting the job and
remembering things long forgotten and
impromptu dance parties and fake arm long
tattoos that I've given myself and children who
dance in the kitchen with me and only two hours
of sleep and being a goddess of fire.
I was made to be worshiped.

I know I'll come down
but until I do, I'll listen to Pitbull
and dance like crazy in my kitchen and
be excited. Because baby, run
and dance dance

Listening to Morbid Music in the Morning.

I GOT THE JOB! HOORAY! SHINY!
_______________________________________

I wrote this in the car
twenty minutes before I walked in
because it was calming. I wrote it all by
hand, and I'm typing it up so I think it still counts. I may
write more. My day is looking up, but I can feel
my body arguing with me, because I stayed up
and emotionally, it has been pretty fucking
taxing.
_____________

Oh redacted one,

You are definitely right about friendship-
as far as the components of it all go. I think
I do things backwards. I try to believe that someone
is my friend until they prove me wrong a few times.
Too fucking idealistic, now that that's written down, and more
than a little embarrassing to think about, of course.

I enjoyed speaking to you. I know it is awkward now and probably
will continue to be awkward for a while, but at least we have a good while of
stuff we don't know about each other, so we shouldn't run out of things to talk about for
a while. Or maybe we will. I have no idea. That is supposed to make me feel better.

I'm sitting here in front of Petsmart
I had about an hour of panic when I woke up at 5 this morning because
my stomach hurt and I was terrified. But I'm
sitting here and my stomach is settling somewhat. I was
up until one last night...or this morning. Hooray for
bad life choices!

But I was doing my calming music
and reading my books. I always get stuck on
Good Omens. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman both
write in a way that fascinates me. I love any and all of the books they've
written. They can capture humor and satire and eerie horror so well.
Good Omens speaks to the Supernatural-lover in me, as well as the old
Roman Catholic from days of yore.

So I end up reading and re-reading their books, especially Good Omens
because the old gods comfort me more than the new gods ever did.
My handwriting has gotten dreadful over the last few years.
For shame!
But it is consistent now, which is nice from a far-off perspective.
To a certain degree.

And into the breach!

So say we all.

Hellkitten
______________________

More later, probably.

Good Morning

Good morning to the world
which has been pretty difficult today
and it is only the very beginning of the day.

I have a friend coming over
today. I have no idea what time she'll be here
or what we'll do, but hopefully she doesn't expect to much
because my house is not my house
and there is children's stuff everywhere.

I started a post last night that I'll probably
have to finish tonight or the night after, because it is one
of those things that only comes out when it is late
and I am tired or drunk or anything but staring into the bright
shining morning.

The idea of tomorrow is giving me a heart attack.
Between dentists and job interviews, I find myself
pretty terrified. This week has been too crazy and I can't see
the weekend being any better. There are over  600 books on my kindle
and I can't choose between them. So I read a few last night
and spent a few hours terrified out of my mind
because they were scary and it always takes me a good 12 hours
to get the horrors out of the front of my head.

They are gone, now, the ghosts and monsters of last night
they might be back but they probably won't
but just in case, I'll be careful when I drive at night.

In any case, until she gets here
if she gets here
(please get here)
I'll be listening to my music extra loud
and ignoring these dreadful feelings until something gets
resolved
and maybe pray
for the first time in a long time.

jobs

I have an interview on Friday

for a job. One that I really, really 

want. A night job, with animals,

oh please oh please

be what I want

let me be what they want.

Because I love animals

and I can work the night shift

pleasepleaseplease

interview gods

let me do great.