(Insert title here)

I on occasion
mourn for the chance to meet new people
and while I live and hope and all that
I find that making a good impression and keeping one
is particularly difficult in making true friends.

With that in mind mostly I just miss
the warmth of seeing friends on a daily basis
but the friends I've retained past that
are a thousand times more than they were
on a daily basis.

I don't know how to adequately explain
verbalize
how I feel.

oh dearest ones
or one
whoever likes to send me
what I hesitate to call hate on tumblr
because even though it is painful
it is hardly hateful
it is just kind of silly
but it isn't spiteful enough to be hate
just annoying

but anyway
dear one
i am so sorry that my presence causes you
such disturbance and I wonder
do you bookmark my site
or do you just know the name by heart?

I bet if we talked we could find something in common
a mutual need for water or music we both like
or the annoyances of humidity and the effects on hair
Did you know I'm allergic to apples
that my favorite outfit always includes a pair of jeans
no matter what it is
my favorite drink is currently
margaritas of pretty much any flavor
I just love how the lime tastes
I haven't had my nails done in nearly a year
but I just got a haircut last week and having
this little hair feels beyond odd
clusterfuck and circle jerk are some of my favorite words
and how driving across town
even with simple instructions
makes me terrified.
but letting other people drive me places
makes me beyond crazy and there are very few
exceptions to this rule.
I hate that I have to take so many pills
even if they are prescribed
and I wish you the best
even if you hate me.

Flying and Friends, or flying with friends.

Flying
for the first time
is like a roller coaster
but a thousand times more
terrifying.

I hate roller coasters.
They make my hands shake
and my stomach hurt.
I don't feel well or safe for hours
after I've ridden one. There is
no room for them in my head.

But flying
is like five hundred roller coasters
as your stomach drops and you see
your line of vision shift
and you feel gravity change
but the wind doesn't hit your face
and you can hear people laughing around you
and the voices of your friends telling you
it is okay
we are safe
this is good

There is comfort in my friends.
We laugh about books and how the ground looks
different and we speculate about where we are and how
glad we are that the flight is only 3 hours long, tops.
We argue over what to drink on the plane and
I am grateful at how much they make me laugh
in the midst of new terror.
How looking through the Skymall magazine
makes things feel normal and joking about wanting
scotch at 7 am makes you Hemingway, and not even slightly
an alcoholic.
The taste of fear, when I'm with my friends,
goes from entirely bitter
to sweet and sour
because even though my stomach hurts
it is because I'm laughing with them.

We fill three hours up so quickly
because we laugh and we read and
complain about the horrors of technology
and on the way back, I'll order a drink
that will probably live in infamy as long as we are friends.
There will always be something
so homey
about travelling with friends.

Positive Affirmations (?)

Quiet day today

full of minor tummy aches

which is nothing new, sadly

minor aches of the tummy 

alleviated by texts that remind me

that I am someone's friend, that I can
be good and kind and still have boundaries
that temporary loss of faith and outward insanity
does not mean that those who love me have stopped
loving me.

Do not tell me
that the my traumas are not important
that the difficulties of marriage equate the
my ages of 12 through 20
because it insults me
and makes you
seem
ridiculous.

I will not go to Mass
for Easter. I will not pretend that
I believe in the rules and destiny a Church
that has no love for my sex and sexuality and
no concept that its hypocrisy alienates more than it binds
and these are not my only problems with it.
And most certainly not the only valid problems with it.

I reject alienation
because I have friends
and loves, even if they are made of mostly past
and slightly present.
I believe that I am loved
that my friends hold my hand as I walk toward cliffs
to slow me down
and that in most cases
being kinder is better.

And I believe wholly in my
autonomy, that my body is my own and no one else's
that I choose the things I do to it and with it
and that my mind and body are capable
of great things, even in the midst of exceptional difficulty.
Whether I lose weight or stay the same,
if I continue to not have tattoos or
cover my body in ink
whether I make cookies or quinoa with my friends
whether I have more children or never again
it is my choice.

I accept that my fears
of sharks, various water-based beings
being rejected, public transit, large crowds,
clowns, and drowning may all be perceived as odd.
What
ever.

And I believe that even if these words
feel choppy and difficult
tomorrow
or even tonight
may be better.

Listening to Morbid Music in the Morning.

I GOT THE JOB! HOORAY! SHINY!
_______________________________________

I wrote this in the car
twenty minutes before I walked in
because it was calming. I wrote it all by
hand, and I'm typing it up so I think it still counts. I may
write more. My day is looking up, but I can feel
my body arguing with me, because I stayed up
and emotionally, it has been pretty fucking
taxing.
_____________

Oh redacted one,

You are definitely right about friendship-
as far as the components of it all go. I think
I do things backwards. I try to believe that someone
is my friend until they prove me wrong a few times.
Too fucking idealistic, now that that's written down, and more
than a little embarrassing to think about, of course.

I enjoyed speaking to you. I know it is awkward now and probably
will continue to be awkward for a while, but at least we have a good while of
stuff we don't know about each other, so we shouldn't run out of things to talk about for
a while. Or maybe we will. I have no idea. That is supposed to make me feel better.

I'm sitting here in front of Petsmart
I had about an hour of panic when I woke up at 5 this morning because
my stomach hurt and I was terrified. But I'm
sitting here and my stomach is settling somewhat. I was
up until one last night...or this morning. Hooray for
bad life choices!

But I was doing my calming music
and reading my books. I always get stuck on
Good Omens. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman both
write in a way that fascinates me. I love any and all of the books they've
written. They can capture humor and satire and eerie horror so well.
Good Omens speaks to the Supernatural-lover in me, as well as the old
Roman Catholic from days of yore.

So I end up reading and re-reading their books, especially Good Omens
because the old gods comfort me more than the new gods ever did.
My handwriting has gotten dreadful over the last few years.
For shame!
But it is consistent now, which is nice from a far-off perspective.
To a certain degree.

And into the breach!

So say we all.

Hellkitten
______________________

More later, probably.

Posting today, and hopefully later when I have something better to say.

Today started with a fight

and a tummy ache.
And I cried after he left
because he was right
but I wasn't wrong
and it hurt.

And I'm still really really
angry
and it is making my stomach hurt
like crazy

so what will I do with this day
you ask?
Talk to 'strangers' on the internet
who are more friends than strangers
and watch the kids
and feel cruddy in general
while listening to Les Miserables
on repeat
ALL DAY LONG.

Or watch Shameless or Game of Thrones
or Six Feet Under. Something with lots of morbidity amongst
the humor.

24601!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

I ran into an old friend on Sunday
and seeing him broke my heart
a little bit.
I sing in the choir and I spent almost the whole
Mass trying to figure out if that was him or not.
And I finally figured out it was him
and we gauged each other but finally
embraced.
I miss him
I miss our friendship and the way
you looked at me
and the way we switched jackets
so I could wear your letterman and
you could wear the coat. I remember
how I showed up to one of your soccer games
and how shocked you looked.
And we sat for a minute quietly in the pews
trying to remember days long gone by
and trying to remember who we are.
I miss you, love.
and I remember.

Darlene part 1

Hey,
it's me.
I don't know if you would recognize me
but if you were still here
I like to think we would be friends
and you would have helped me tell my parents
I was pregnant
and you would have helped me dye my hair
for the first time
and given me this bear ring
that I haven't gone without for
around 7 years.

If you were still here
you would have been the first
person I would have called
after I graduated
after I broke up with every one.
after having sex for the first time
after finding out I was pregnant.
after he proposed.
I would have called you today
when the kids were driving me crazy
no matter where you were.

And you would have come down
for my wedding
standing next to Uncle Ron
in his suit
when I saw him for the first time
as the biggest wedding present I got.
The older I have gotten
the more I have missed you.
And every wolf and dream catcher I see
makes me think of you.

I'd call you today to tell you
how annoying the weather is
because it is cold for two days
and hot for ten more and
honestly, I wish it would just be damn cold in the winter
it would be a lot more straightforward and I could just figure out what
to wear more easily.
I would tell you what extremely weird tv shows
I am watching for now
and how much it sucks
living in this body
how much you loved the
phantom book by
susan kay
and
and
and
why?

I miss you.

On my mind

I know that there is a part of me
that will always love you
but I also know that we were toxic
and that we were toxic.

I have no idea if we will
ever be able to be friends
read friends.
I doubt it though.
You told me I got fat.
And so what if I did?
How dare you comment on my appearance?
Your lack of a filter is something
I've always loathed about you.

If only there was a way
I could block your voice from
my head
your hands
from my minds' eye.

But alas,
you are still there
in the moments I wish I was alone.

Autumn/winter

Remembrance of fall and winter to me is
Salted caramel
and peppermint.
Wintergreen taste and smells
like new love.
Warm coats and
holding hands for warmth.
Wearing tights and boots
laughing as my breath
turns to smoke.
Missing the smell of chlorine
but driving with the windows down.
Remembering old loves
mixed with new loves
walking around with friends
getting coffee and loving the
heat of it.
The feeling of warmth inside your
clothes
as the cold tries to seep in
Keeping my hair down
trying to keep my neck warm.
Michelle branch always in my cd player.
Making cookies
and wrapping presents.
Smoking cigars with sweet smelling
smoke
Hoping that family stays happy
this year
but knowing my friends will stay the
same.

The End of the End of the World As We Know It

I find myself at a loss for words today. Not that it's hard to talk, because good GOD it would take a catastrophe of Godzilla-size proportions to make me shut the hell up, but I'm just so f*cking pissed at the world, it's kind of ridiculous.

Anyway, the story of last saturday went something like this:

When I move out of my house, I do NOT want to tell my friends that it was because I had to clean my room. Or because I was pissed off at my parents.

Fortunately, I have an incredible person in my life who supports me no matter what I choose to do and parent who talk me out of the craziest shit ever.

So it ended well.

And I'm getting married earlier.

I love all of y'all.

The Titular Survey

*Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far:
Before and during my c-section. I was so scared I was literally shaking. Hard. Not fun. Definitely the scariest moment of my life.

*If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?:
Either Sadad or Hotohori. If anyone (besides Glory) knows who these people are, you get a prize.

*Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?:
-Like: Mike. ;) Or any of my girls.
-Least: My last boyfriend. It would be horrifying and awkward and I don't think I'd be able to stand talking to him for longer than 15 seconds before crying.

*List 5 people you know. Then describe each of them in 5 words:
- Hinna-sweet pink lexi future doctor
- Catherine-awkward funny animal loving friend
- Gwen-beastly basketball movie loving queen
- Boo- my sister from another mother
- Mike- you are the only exception

*What outfit or article of clothing do you like to see your spouse wearing the most?:
- I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it! A suit, probably. Anything black. I also like him bare-ass nekkid, but that's kind of what got us in trouble in the first place, ain't it? ;)

*What was the most recent movie that made you cry?:
- Haven't seen one recently, so when Denny Douquet died on Grey's Anatomy.

*If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?
:)

*If you could cast any living actor to play you in a movie, who would it be?:
Eva Green as Vesper Lynn

*If you could have one superpower, which would you choose?:
I'd be Wolverine. I'd live forever with regenerative power and large steely claws.

*If you could choose where and how you were to die, what would you choose?:
I'm lame. Definitely of old age. Or amidst loud gunfire and the clashing of swords.

*If you knew when your last meal was going to be, what would you choose to eat for it?:
A MASSIVE salad from the olive garden. Seafood fettucini alfredo. Lots of sparkly red grape juice. Lots of bread and olive oil and spices. My grandma's homemade tortillas. A long island iced tea or two. And something with chocolate.

*If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?:
- Firefly or Buffy. I'd be AWESOME in Firefly. I'd be dead in Buffy-world, or I'd want to be a Scooby. Or I'd be a Willow-love interest.

*If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform?:
Trapeze artist

*You see three teenagers making fun of a mentally handicapped man in the street. What do you do?:
Beat the hell out of them.

*What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?:
Reading. Candy. Music. My various underwater basketweaving classes. Michael.

*Imagine it's a dark night, you are alone, it's raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?:
My dad and Mike. The police. And then I grab my gun and the barstool.

*If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?:
I'm going with money, because I have love. WORLD PEACE!!!

*If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
I'd have a massive orgy. Yea, that's right, I went there.
But in reality, I'd probably spend as much time as I could with my family, both individually and all together. And that last meal would be EPIC.

*What's the worst thing about being your gender?:
- That time of the month.Hahahah

*What is the strangest dream you've ever had?:
The one where I have a perfect date, surgery, go home and find out someone has just stabbed and killed me.

*Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?:
- True Love with heart break. But in reality, when you hand someone else your heart, like I'd hope you would do if you were truly loving someone, they will break it. One way or another.

*Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. What got you to that point?:
Lots and lots of stress tends to get me there.

*What is more difficult for you- looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?:
Both

*If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?:
Probably. But if I were caught, why would I need to confess? I'd already be caught...

*Would you rather have ten kids, or none?:
None.

*What do you do when you get nervous?:
I tend to run away. Or lash out. I had a friend that called me hellkitten for a reason.

*Be honest, do you like people in general?:
For the most part.

*Does anyone completely understand you?:
I think Mike and Boo do, on occasion.

Just Some Good Ole Boys

Hello again! This post is going to be a tribute to some of my friends, the few of them who make me laugh hysterically when I think about the times we’ve had. I know it sounds incredibly dorky, but I miss them like all hell and I’m glad we had the chance to get to know each other.

So, starting out, I’d like to thank Big Tony, for making yearbook memorable. Granted, there was at least one other person in yearbook with me who made it ‘memorable’ but Tony and I literally cornered the market on anger. Our little slice of the table could have been known as “the place of repressed rage.” Except, we didn’t repress it very well. Or at least I didn’t. We terrorized any staff member who wasn’t our age and laughed our asses off whenever we could. He gave me rides whenever I needed one and my little brother thought he was the most amazing guy ever. He still needs to come over and meet my cat, we still need to go play pool and he literally made my senior year funnier, lighter and easier to bear. He believes in my ability to kick ass and he helps me remember that a good ole boy beats out any tree hugging, vegetarian, lily-livered, anti-gun nut. Regardless of how awesome they think their hybrid is. I spent almost an hour waiting for the damn Scottish Festival to start so I could listen to him play drums. I think I permanently disturbed him by telling him I was pregnant with twins. When he went to New York for yearbook, in between being intoxicated and partying in the hotel room (because, yeah, that teacher was a great chaperone….no wonder my parents didn’t want me to go), he lit a candle and picked out a rosary for me from St. Patricks’ Cathedral. What I miss most about him is his cat, the way he lets me sing into the Xbox live to distract everyone while we play Halo, my final Scottish festival, in which I got a hug RIGHT before his first number, a ridiculous shit-eating grin during the King of Laios dance and mostly our conversations in yearbook, which involved a whole lot of swearing, a few times I was in tears and trying to get yearbook work done. Which always got done somehow, even with the massive heaps of distraction we visited upon ourselves. I can always count on him for a beer drinking, burger eating good time. This translates into, please come back from godforsaken Europe so we can have more before I can’t get out of bed or drive myself to your house. Or before I become a terrible hostess because I’ll be mommy to TWO boys.

Next, my thanks go to a guy named Abhiram. Apart from him literally being the smartest guy I know, he is a pilot (I know, right? COME ON LADEEEEZ!) and a master debater and has the easiest laugh. It’s quite attractive (LADEEEEZ). I remember long and irritating conversations about God and the nature of religion during lunchtime my junior year, as well as coming up and shrieking about whatever the latest news was near our various lockers. He definitely defines the A Very Potter Musical description of Snape “the kindest, gentlest, bravest SEXIEST man I’ve ever met.” Now that I’ve completely made a fool of myself by saying that, please take that particular description with a grain of salt. And go watch AVPM, as it’s pretty much the only way you’ll be able to understand that quote. But in any case, he brings out the intellectual in me, as well as a great deal of affection and nonverbal communication. I also remember him walking around in a hoodie 24/7 for NO apparent reason. Maybe he didn’t like his curly hair? In any case, his mom taught me a lot about acceptance and love, and she continues to, even now. I look forward to reading his name in the newspapers very very soon, but for now, I’ll settle with being excited to see him on Saturday.



Another short post. Damn it damn it damn it.