Confessions, pt 1

"Oh my God
I am heartily sorry
for having offended thee......"

Just so you know
I haven't magically decided
that all aspects of Catholicism is
mine again, however that has
been in my head all day so perhaps I
shall confess my sins unto Blogspot
Perhaps in hope that someone will
read them and absolve me of all my sins.
Who the hell knows.

I confess
I used to watch Buffy and
Angel and Firefly while I
was supposed to be studying in
school. While Joss Whedon was
a good teacher in how to behave during
high school
 (don't drop your stake in school,
if it turns into a giant snake you should kill it,
 sometimes when you sleep with him, he turns evil,
sometimes they leave, but they come back for prom,
don't build sex robots,
Being evil isn't a forever thing,
Sometimes people die,
Love is like cookie dough,'
Ah, the pitter pat of tiny feet in huge combat boots )
I think I might've done better in that world.

I confess
Bisexual is a word
which is an adjective
meaning sexually attracted to both
men and women
and all through high school I believed
that this was a mythical sexuality
you were either gay or straight
which retrospectively was kind of a silly
view, seeing as I was attracted to both men and women
all through that time, inasmuch as there
are men and women in high school
which for the most part, we were not.
And inasmuch as I was attracted to people
which isn't much, as far as bodies go
for the most part, I just like personalities.
People can be pretty, or ugly, or gorgeous or plain
but a personality can radiate more than any
perfect eyes or flawless lips ever could
and I could tell you much more about the people
that I've wanted
then describing them physically.
I'm not perfect about this
but for the most part
if you are my friend
that is when the attraction comes.

I confess
that I don't know how
many times I've fallen in love
I still love so many people
but I have fallen in and out of love
since I was fourteen and now I am
twenty one
and the list just seem to long
and too painful
and the large hunks of my heart
 that once felt ripped out
are now merely specks and mean
nearly nothing
but memories of love and pain
and so I confess to loving too many
and too much
and forgetting too quickly.

I confess
to the love of the human body
I at times worship at the altar
of smooth skin and hard hands
of large eyes and perfect hair
and I confess, that even though
I don't like my body as a whole
being naked makes it feel so much better.
and I confess that I'd rather see someone
naked than in a Armani suit
or a Chanel dress.

I confess
that sometimes I get so frustrated
that I yell at my children
but in the next 30 seconds
I can turn it around and they
can make me smile.

I confess
that I have not been able to
eat a hot dog since elementary school.
and that I have to avoid Starbucks, because
I get addicted easily, but my favorite time to
get it is Fall, because of the salted caramel
and I love getting it Tuesday nights after singing
with my dad.
that I hate Pepsi
but love Mountain Dew
but love Coca cola products the best
that chocolate makes me depressed
but sometimes I sneak some anyway.
That potatoes and pasta are my comfort
food.

I confess
that when at some point we have a house
I will need half of the man cave. It will
be a woman cave. I need space and quiet
and a place to call my own too.
No special allowances for one spouse,
unless he doesn't want one, in which case
I'm up to take it!

I confess
that my interest in body modifications
isn't simply because I find it beautiful
and fascinating
but because I plan on modifying my body
many times in the future
because I am just now learning that it
is mine and what I do with it has nothing
to do with whether or not I am a good or bad
person.
Prepare yourself accordingly.

I confess
to believing for years that
Purity was important for your future spouse
that sex and marriage was only possible between
a male and a female
that being a lesbian was only for other people's
viewing pleasure
that being gay was bad
that my worth was only held between my legs
but I'm proud to say
that I've never worn a purity ring
and that I stopped believing in all that
years ago and it has been a far healthier
attitude. I still am ashamed that I can even
remember thinking this though.

What is Happiness.

What is happiness to me?

It is hearing the rain fall and the thunder roll so loudly, it drowns out my thoughts.

It is the quiet time after a big crowd.

It is a sleep, where I wake up smiling.

It is seeing my babies smile, stretch, and laugh.

It is listening to Taylor Swift or Lady Antebellum.

It is reading my latest Warhammer 40,000 book, which is strangely funny. Weird, right? Caiphas Cain, you are too weird for words.

It is reading The Walking Dead. Oh zombie apocalypse, you make my life joyful and wonderous. Even with horrific spoilers in the first. fucking. book. damn it damn it damn it.

It is watching Charmed. Almost as excellent as Buffy. Almost.

It is reading a A+ certification textbook and realizing that I know most of it.

It is wearing a snuggie.

It is being with friends that you miss everyday.

It is taking a nap with my person.

It is holding hands with the man of my dreams.

It is finding the best pair of leather high heeled shoes for $45.

It is watching David Bowie in Labrynth.

It is Repo! The Genetic Opera.

It is loving someone else more than I could ever imagine.

It is a pair of jeans that fit perfectly.

It is OPI nail polish.

It is warm shells and cold steel.

It is knowing who is going to be with you forever.

It is roses.

It is love.

The Titular Survey

*Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far:
Before and during my c-section. I was so scared I was literally shaking. Hard. Not fun. Definitely the scariest moment of my life.

*If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?:
Either Sadad or Hotohori. If anyone (besides Glory) knows who these people are, you get a prize.

*Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?:
-Like: Mike. ;) Or any of my girls.
-Least: My last boyfriend. It would be horrifying and awkward and I don't think I'd be able to stand talking to him for longer than 15 seconds before crying.

*List 5 people you know. Then describe each of them in 5 words:
- Hinna-sweet pink lexi future doctor
- Catherine-awkward funny animal loving friend
- Gwen-beastly basketball movie loving queen
- Boo- my sister from another mother
- Mike- you are the only exception

*What outfit or article of clothing do you like to see your spouse wearing the most?:
- I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it! A suit, probably. Anything black. I also like him bare-ass nekkid, but that's kind of what got us in trouble in the first place, ain't it? ;)

*What was the most recent movie that made you cry?:
- Haven't seen one recently, so when Denny Douquet died on Grey's Anatomy.

*If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?
:)

*If you could cast any living actor to play you in a movie, who would it be?:
Eva Green as Vesper Lynn

*If you could have one superpower, which would you choose?:
I'd be Wolverine. I'd live forever with regenerative power and large steely claws.

*If you could choose where and how you were to die, what would you choose?:
I'm lame. Definitely of old age. Or amidst loud gunfire and the clashing of swords.

*If you knew when your last meal was going to be, what would you choose to eat for it?:
A MASSIVE salad from the olive garden. Seafood fettucini alfredo. Lots of sparkly red grape juice. Lots of bread and olive oil and spices. My grandma's homemade tortillas. A long island iced tea or two. And something with chocolate.

*If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?:
- Firefly or Buffy. I'd be AWESOME in Firefly. I'd be dead in Buffy-world, or I'd want to be a Scooby. Or I'd be a Willow-love interest.

*If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform?:
Trapeze artist

*You see three teenagers making fun of a mentally handicapped man in the street. What do you do?:
Beat the hell out of them.

*What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?:
Reading. Candy. Music. My various underwater basketweaving classes. Michael.

*Imagine it's a dark night, you are alone, it's raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?:
My dad and Mike. The police. And then I grab my gun and the barstool.

*If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?:
I'm going with money, because I have love. WORLD PEACE!!!

*If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
I'd have a massive orgy. Yea, that's right, I went there.
But in reality, I'd probably spend as much time as I could with my family, both individually and all together. And that last meal would be EPIC.

*What's the worst thing about being your gender?:
- That time of the month.Hahahah

*What is the strangest dream you've ever had?:
The one where I have a perfect date, surgery, go home and find out someone has just stabbed and killed me.

*Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?:
- True Love with heart break. But in reality, when you hand someone else your heart, like I'd hope you would do if you were truly loving someone, they will break it. One way or another.

*Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. What got you to that point?:
Lots and lots of stress tends to get me there.

*What is more difficult for you- looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?:
Both

*If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?:
Probably. But if I were caught, why would I need to confess? I'd already be caught...

*Would you rather have ten kids, or none?:
None.

*What do you do when you get nervous?:
I tend to run away. Or lash out. I had a friend that called me hellkitten for a reason.

*Be honest, do you like people in general?:
For the most part.

*Does anyone completely understand you?:
I think Mike and Boo do, on occasion.