Confessions, pt 1

"Oh my God
I am heartily sorry
for having offended thee......"

Just so you know
I haven't magically decided
that all aspects of Catholicism is
mine again, however that has
been in my head all day so perhaps I
shall confess my sins unto Blogspot
Perhaps in hope that someone will
read them and absolve me of all my sins.
Who the hell knows.

I confess
I used to watch Buffy and
Angel and Firefly while I
was supposed to be studying in
school. While Joss Whedon was
a good teacher in how to behave during
high school
 (don't drop your stake in school,
if it turns into a giant snake you should kill it,
 sometimes when you sleep with him, he turns evil,
sometimes they leave, but they come back for prom,
don't build sex robots,
Being evil isn't a forever thing,
Sometimes people die,
Love is like cookie dough,'
Ah, the pitter pat of tiny feet in huge combat boots )
I think I might've done better in that world.

I confess
Bisexual is a word
which is an adjective
meaning sexually attracted to both
men and women
and all through high school I believed
that this was a mythical sexuality
you were either gay or straight
which retrospectively was kind of a silly
view, seeing as I was attracted to both men and women
all through that time, inasmuch as there
are men and women in high school
which for the most part, we were not.
And inasmuch as I was attracted to people
which isn't much, as far as bodies go
for the most part, I just like personalities.
People can be pretty, or ugly, or gorgeous or plain
but a personality can radiate more than any
perfect eyes or flawless lips ever could
and I could tell you much more about the people
that I've wanted
then describing them physically.
I'm not perfect about this
but for the most part
if you are my friend
that is when the attraction comes.

I confess
that I don't know how
many times I've fallen in love
I still love so many people
but I have fallen in and out of love
since I was fourteen and now I am
twenty one
and the list just seem to long
and too painful
and the large hunks of my heart
 that once felt ripped out
are now merely specks and mean
nearly nothing
but memories of love and pain
and so I confess to loving too many
and too much
and forgetting too quickly.

I confess
to the love of the human body
I at times worship at the altar
of smooth skin and hard hands
of large eyes and perfect hair
and I confess, that even though
I don't like my body as a whole
being naked makes it feel so much better.
and I confess that I'd rather see someone
naked than in a Armani suit
or a Chanel dress.

I confess
that sometimes I get so frustrated
that I yell at my children
but in the next 30 seconds
I can turn it around and they
can make me smile.

I confess
that I have not been able to
eat a hot dog since elementary school.
and that I have to avoid Starbucks, because
I get addicted easily, but my favorite time to
get it is Fall, because of the salted caramel
and I love getting it Tuesday nights after singing
with my dad.
that I hate Pepsi
but love Mountain Dew
but love Coca cola products the best
that chocolate makes me depressed
but sometimes I sneak some anyway.
That potatoes and pasta are my comfort
food.

I confess
that when at some point we have a house
I will need half of the man cave. It will
be a woman cave. I need space and quiet
and a place to call my own too.
No special allowances for one spouse,
unless he doesn't want one, in which case
I'm up to take it!

I confess
that my interest in body modifications
isn't simply because I find it beautiful
and fascinating
but because I plan on modifying my body
many times in the future
because I am just now learning that it
is mine and what I do with it has nothing
to do with whether or not I am a good or bad
person.
Prepare yourself accordingly.

I confess
to believing for years that
Purity was important for your future spouse
that sex and marriage was only possible between
a male and a female
that being a lesbian was only for other people's
viewing pleasure
that being gay was bad
that my worth was only held between my legs
but I'm proud to say
that I've never worn a purity ring
and that I stopped believing in all that
years ago and it has been a far healthier
attitude. I still am ashamed that I can even
remember thinking this though.

characters I've loved

Fictional characters I love so far
which for a disclaimer
I will state
that I know a lot of them are problematic
and I will address that out loud sometimes
and in my head often
and me loving them does not mean they are perfect
but that I love them anyway. In their imperfections.


Regina Mills/The Evil Queen
of Once Upon a Time
Oh, how I love you.
In the most shallow of ways
your outfits always make me lust
for your stylist
and hairdresser
Whether mayor or evil queen
you are always a force to be reckoned with
You are terrifying and strong and powerful
and remind me that your subtlety is your strength
as well as your ability to beat the crap
out of everyone.

George Lass
of Dead Like Me
I'd like to be a reaper
with you when I die please
And walk with Rube
and be angrily sarcastic.
Not learn my lesson until the
sixtieth time, never the first.
Lonely and angry
death by toilet seat.
Love is not for reapers.
nor is understanding.
Death comes for everyone.
Death is your gift too.

Buffy Summers
of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obviously
there are no words.
well, there are, but not enough
to describe how you changed me
and made me realize
that I could, and should and must
try to change the world.
Death was her gift.
but her gift to me
was 7 years.

Fred/Illyria
of Angel
I cried so much when Fred became
Illyria
But at some point I realized
I loved Illyria more
Fred survived years in a hell dimension
as a slave
and when she came out, she became
stronger and smarter then ever
Illyria stole her body
but was a god-king
and wanted Spike for a pet
and knew that you do not bow down
or compromise with evil.


Cersei Lannister
of Game of Thrones
I've only read the first book
and I know only parts of you
but you are beautiful and desperate
and you do what you can
to protect a child
who just might be evil
but you love and protect him anyway.
You are terrifying and fearless
and so full of fear it is painful.
You know that power is power
You've slapped your son
(everyone cheered)
I hope it gets better for you
but it is Game of Thrones
and so the reality is
It will most like get horribly worse.

Anya
from Buffy again
are you noticing a trend
you say what you mean
and mean what you say
it is refreshing
your love of money
and power
and your knowledge and love
of sex
made you first an object of my ridicule
back before I  knew what you meant
and then someone who I respected
and admired.


Willow Rosenburg
from Buffy
first smart and nerdy and quiet
then smart and coming in to your own
watching you fall in love
first with Oz then with Tara
made me realize what kind of love
I wanted and deserved
Watching you become Dark Willow
made me sad for all you lost
and amazed by all you had accomplished
even when you were bad.
You make me laugh and cry
a lot.

Zoe Washburne
of Firefly
Strong and tall and an amazon
I fell in love
from the very first moment.
You shoot first
ask questions later
then go have sexy sexy sex
with no apologies
full of sarcasm and guns
not afraid of anything.
you make me want to be
more fearless than any taylor swift song.

River Tam
of firefly
Broken painfully horribly
violated, made a weapon,
still standing, still flying
still loving
strength in pain
no apologies


Ellen Ripley
the first female character
my dad introduced me too
Aliens was the first movie I saw
with such violence
I screamed a lot
I was terrified of the aliens
But Ripley made me feel safe
She saved her cat and Newt
and she might just
save me too
from the nightmares

Christina Yang
from Grey's Anatomy
Feeling emotion?
"Somebody SEDATE ME!"
Learned to be herself
while loving someone else
strong, capable, sometimes wacky
always kick ass
always

more later?

love,
hellkittens