IT HAS COME TO THIS

"not as deceivin' as a low down dirty deceiver."
"Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?"
"Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."

Firefly


Things I've learned about myself from Tumblr.

Pretty things make me smile.
Anything from the first episode of Game of Thrones makes my inner pain TEN TIMES WORSE.
I feel weird about Doctor Who.
The more obscure things I like have random things too.
There are much, much bigger fans of Joss Whedon. Like terrifyingly.
Good art is subjective. So is good music.
As a person with mental problems/issues/illnesses, I am so far from alone.
Even on the days I feel so isolated, I am not alone.
There are a large subset of people who would sacrifice Glee at an altar of Satan to bring Firefly back.
discovering 'new' music has become much easier.
Everyone loves the kittehs.
There is a fandom for EVERYTHING. This makes my love of obscure, random things much much more easy.
Even when I'm weeping uncontrollably, I'm laughing.

My Serenity Prayer

“Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don’t care, I’m still free
You can’t take the sky from me
Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain’t comin’ back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can’t take the sky from me
There’s no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can’t take the sky from me…”

"Some men aren't meant to be boring

They are meant to be great."

~Scandal

Words to take to heart.

Because you have to start somewhere.

Well, Kaylee?

What is my ideal job?

"You ever sail in a Firefly?"

Confessions, pt 1

"Oh my God
I am heartily sorry
for having offended thee......"

Just so you know
I haven't magically decided
that all aspects of Catholicism is
mine again, however that has
been in my head all day so perhaps I
shall confess my sins unto Blogspot
Perhaps in hope that someone will
read them and absolve me of all my sins.
Who the hell knows.

I confess
I used to watch Buffy and
Angel and Firefly while I
was supposed to be studying in
school. While Joss Whedon was
a good teacher in how to behave during
high school
 (don't drop your stake in school,
if it turns into a giant snake you should kill it,
 sometimes when you sleep with him, he turns evil,
sometimes they leave, but they come back for prom,
don't build sex robots,
Being evil isn't a forever thing,
Sometimes people die,
Love is like cookie dough,'
Ah, the pitter pat of tiny feet in huge combat boots )
I think I might've done better in that world.

I confess
Bisexual is a word
which is an adjective
meaning sexually attracted to both
men and women
and all through high school I believed
that this was a mythical sexuality
you were either gay or straight
which retrospectively was kind of a silly
view, seeing as I was attracted to both men and women
all through that time, inasmuch as there
are men and women in high school
which for the most part, we were not.
And inasmuch as I was attracted to people
which isn't much, as far as bodies go
for the most part, I just like personalities.
People can be pretty, or ugly, or gorgeous or plain
but a personality can radiate more than any
perfect eyes or flawless lips ever could
and I could tell you much more about the people
that I've wanted
then describing them physically.
I'm not perfect about this
but for the most part
if you are my friend
that is when the attraction comes.

I confess
that I don't know how
many times I've fallen in love
I still love so many people
but I have fallen in and out of love
since I was fourteen and now I am
twenty one
and the list just seem to long
and too painful
and the large hunks of my heart
 that once felt ripped out
are now merely specks and mean
nearly nothing
but memories of love and pain
and so I confess to loving too many
and too much
and forgetting too quickly.

I confess
to the love of the human body
I at times worship at the altar
of smooth skin and hard hands
of large eyes and perfect hair
and I confess, that even though
I don't like my body as a whole
being naked makes it feel so much better.
and I confess that I'd rather see someone
naked than in a Armani suit
or a Chanel dress.

I confess
that sometimes I get so frustrated
that I yell at my children
but in the next 30 seconds
I can turn it around and they
can make me smile.

I confess
that I have not been able to
eat a hot dog since elementary school.
and that I have to avoid Starbucks, because
I get addicted easily, but my favorite time to
get it is Fall, because of the salted caramel
and I love getting it Tuesday nights after singing
with my dad.
that I hate Pepsi
but love Mountain Dew
but love Coca cola products the best
that chocolate makes me depressed
but sometimes I sneak some anyway.
That potatoes and pasta are my comfort
food.

I confess
that when at some point we have a house
I will need half of the man cave. It will
be a woman cave. I need space and quiet
and a place to call my own too.
No special allowances for one spouse,
unless he doesn't want one, in which case
I'm up to take it!

I confess
that my interest in body modifications
isn't simply because I find it beautiful
and fascinating
but because I plan on modifying my body
many times in the future
because I am just now learning that it
is mine and what I do with it has nothing
to do with whether or not I am a good or bad
person.
Prepare yourself accordingly.

I confess
to believing for years that
Purity was important for your future spouse
that sex and marriage was only possible between
a male and a female
that being a lesbian was only for other people's
viewing pleasure
that being gay was bad
that my worth was only held between my legs
but I'm proud to say
that I've never worn a purity ring
and that I stopped believing in all that
years ago and it has been a far healthier
attitude. I still am ashamed that I can even
remember thinking this though.

Mandala

The last art class I took was in 5th grade. That means that it has been over 7 years (oh God, why is counting so hard, I bet it's closer to 9) that I've taken an art class.

I love to write and I love music. Those are generally my preferred art forms. Putting colors on paper gives me extreme anxiety. I don't like sharing what I do, writing or drawing. I can sing in front of a thousand plus people but I do NOT like sharing what I do. Why I write a blog, God only knows.

Anyway, today I did a mandala. According to Wikipedia, this means "In various spiritual traditions, mandalas may be employed for focusing attention of aspirants and adepts, as a spiritual teaching tool, for establishing a sacred space, and as an aid to meditation and trance induction." Jung saw the mandala as "a representation of the unconscious self."

Mine had a giant black and purple flower, a picture of bride, a madonna and child, a girl taking off her mask, a girl blowing on a wishing flower and a happy baby picture of me. All the colors I painted in between were really dissonant and didn't fit together the way I wanted them too, however the general consensus was that I have all these aspects of myself and individually they do well, but they aren't meshing as well as I want them too. In talking to my mom, she encouraged me that it was totally normal, and that it takes many years to get it down. And even in the long years ahead, there's no guarantee that you get it down perfect. I find that hopeful.

In other news,

Sweet Jesus, Zac Efron was in Firefly! I think my head just exploded. It just became socially acceptable to say that I like you. Well, I liked you in Firefly. And 17 Again. Yea.