One Song Glory

"An interesting theory, let me propose an alternative one:
I am going to win this time.
And this is a theory I have built up
from the following postulates
one- I win every time.
two-this is a time.
three- I will win this time."
~John Finnemore, Cabin Pressure, Paris


I like the Avengers
in the current incarnation.
They are the ones I like and prefer
I like Christopher Nolan's Batman
but I prefer the Catwoman of Tim Burton
and Joss Whedon's second Buffy
to his first
and I liked Cabin in the Woods
and Harry Potter even though I started reading those
too late for them to help my childhood.
I love mythology in all the various incarnations
but the way I view all my forms of media
can be taken in a variety of ways
so I just say that I like them in general
and only try to traumatize people I'm close to.

My friends and I tend to enjoy intense discussions
of various media and fandoms and whatnot
and
he called me Loki
he said that out of all the Avengers
in the current area
I am Loki.

Awkward.

I struggle
with the concepts of grace
with the concept of love
and forgiveness
and peace.
with the concept of family
and the execution.
because you can be brought to a family
and still not be a part of it.
someone who delights in words and concepts
but is shut down frequently.
I'm dying, save me
but I hate you.
Brothers brothers
brothers.
Thousands speaking
in my stream of consciousness.
We are not friendly
or nice
or playful
but we could be.
We could be cats purring
or torturing mice
it depends on nothing and
everything.



I
should
read more.
I am reading
more, but I should
read more. Things like Tumblr
and Reddit are truly entertaining but I need to read
books more, long and laborious and
instead I spend my time on the computer, which is
fun and funny but not particularly fulfilling.
Don't mind me, I'll just be complaining over here
about technology, which makes no fucking sense
since I am deeply in love with my kindle anyway.

I have a love-hate relationship
with my phone. Mostly, I hate the way
it ensures that I am always connected to the
outside world, the way it pulls me out of situations
that I want to be in, how annoying it is when it wakes me out
of the rare sleep I have. I hate that I have to read whatever stupid
fucking inane text or voicemail someone has left me, I hate being interrupted.
I feel like as long as I have my phone, my leash will be on. It
has to be turned off for me to feel like I'm free and even then
I need to turn it back on because I've been conditioned to check
it like my house might be set on fire.
Contrarily, though, I like talking to people. I hate calling them. But I like the
talk, sometimes. I remember pleasant phone calls, back when
I waited for people to call me and liked when I heard
for them. Now I am mostly annoyed.
I'm not sure what I want from my phone
maybe it is just
that I don't want
to have to
have one.

My Mama's Broken Heart

Things that have broken my heart.

Reading old journals.
Sherlock
Merlin
Buffy
Angel.
Being told that he loved someone else.
some song.
discussing politics.
discussing religion.
feeling abandoned
When I'm attracted to someone.
staircases
friends looking at tall buildings
Several stories.
my inability to make good choices.
The fact that I NEVER have enough money.
Seeing old loves.
my kids being difficult.
all the life choices that are so difficult these days.

characters I've loved

Fictional characters I love so far
which for a disclaimer
I will state
that I know a lot of them are problematic
and I will address that out loud sometimes
and in my head often
and me loving them does not mean they are perfect
but that I love them anyway. In their imperfections.


Regina Mills/The Evil Queen
of Once Upon a Time
Oh, how I love you.
In the most shallow of ways
your outfits always make me lust
for your stylist
and hairdresser
Whether mayor or evil queen
you are always a force to be reckoned with
You are terrifying and strong and powerful
and remind me that your subtlety is your strength
as well as your ability to beat the crap
out of everyone.

George Lass
of Dead Like Me
I'd like to be a reaper
with you when I die please
And walk with Rube
and be angrily sarcastic.
Not learn my lesson until the
sixtieth time, never the first.
Lonely and angry
death by toilet seat.
Love is not for reapers.
nor is understanding.
Death comes for everyone.
Death is your gift too.

Buffy Summers
of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obviously
there are no words.
well, there are, but not enough
to describe how you changed me
and made me realize
that I could, and should and must
try to change the world.
Death was her gift.
but her gift to me
was 7 years.

Fred/Illyria
of Angel
I cried so much when Fred became
Illyria
But at some point I realized
I loved Illyria more
Fred survived years in a hell dimension
as a slave
and when she came out, she became
stronger and smarter then ever
Illyria stole her body
but was a god-king
and wanted Spike for a pet
and knew that you do not bow down
or compromise with evil.


Cersei Lannister
of Game of Thrones
I've only read the first book
and I know only parts of you
but you are beautiful and desperate
and you do what you can
to protect a child
who just might be evil
but you love and protect him anyway.
You are terrifying and fearless
and so full of fear it is painful.
You know that power is power
You've slapped your son
(everyone cheered)
I hope it gets better for you
but it is Game of Thrones
and so the reality is
It will most like get horribly worse.

Anya
from Buffy again
are you noticing a trend
you say what you mean
and mean what you say
it is refreshing
your love of money
and power
and your knowledge and love
of sex
made you first an object of my ridicule
back before I  knew what you meant
and then someone who I respected
and admired.


Willow Rosenburg
from Buffy
first smart and nerdy and quiet
then smart and coming in to your own
watching you fall in love
first with Oz then with Tara
made me realize what kind of love
I wanted and deserved
Watching you become Dark Willow
made me sad for all you lost
and amazed by all you had accomplished
even when you were bad.
You make me laugh and cry
a lot.

Zoe Washburne
of Firefly
Strong and tall and an amazon
I fell in love
from the very first moment.
You shoot first
ask questions later
then go have sexy sexy sex
with no apologies
full of sarcasm and guns
not afraid of anything.
you make me want to be
more fearless than any taylor swift song.

River Tam
of firefly
Broken painfully horribly
violated, made a weapon,
still standing, still flying
still loving
strength in pain
no apologies


Ellen Ripley
the first female character
my dad introduced me too
Aliens was the first movie I saw
with such violence
I screamed a lot
I was terrified of the aliens
But Ripley made me feel safe
She saved her cat and Newt
and she might just
save me too
from the nightmares

Christina Yang
from Grey's Anatomy
Feeling emotion?
"Somebody SEDATE ME!"
Learned to be herself
while loving someone else
strong, capable, sometimes wacky
always kick ass
always

more later?

love,
hellkittens