A Moment of Melancholy (amidst thousands of others, of course)

I have come to realize that
last nights post was the result of sleeping drugs
and a spectacular amount of angst. Retrospectively,
it is both hilarious and embarrassing. I'll leave it up that
way if one day I become a politician, I can be humiliated for
the rest of my life by the random 12 of you that keep reading this.
I think this speaks more of your terrible taste then my terrible writing
but honestly, it is your eyes you are choosing to sully.

I miss my cats. I know they
aren't really mine, that I didn't buy them,
or the food for them, but every time I come
around, they permanently reside in my arms or on
my shoulders, purring like motor boats and sleeping on
me. In the place where I live, the chihuahua does not cut it,
not when you know what it is like to have a purring soft animal
take up residents on your pillow next to your face and to realize
that it loves you for tonight. And then waking up to it staring at you
like a creeper. Cats are masters (mistresses?) of subtlety, while this
dog simply screams loudly for your attention.
I am an animal elitist. OH GOD.

I had a teacher in high school who
taught philosophy to me. He taught Latin to multiple others
but due to my lack of knowledge in the area, he refused me
entry into his Latin class my senior year of high school. I was not
amused. I have never been what one would consider to be a serious
student but Latin was one of the few areas I enjoyed and excelled as much as
I could. Which also included spending money on tutors. Life was frustrating at
times.
In any case, he taught philosophy to me. I had him the period after lunch and
I can remember being irritated all the time, because there were a million 'aha' moments
that were taken over by my overwhelming urge to sleep off my lunch. He let me come in early
to the classroom sometimes and ask him questions about the homework or talk to him
about my recent religion crises. I miss him dearly.
At any time I saw him, when he saw I was in pain, before or after I graduated
he saw the truth of who I was.
And he died.
Not too long ago.
I don't remember him every moment or even every day
but sometimes I see my philosophy book on the shelf
or The Reluctant Warrior on netflix
or some word makes me think of him
or I will write something
because he loved my writing.

And he's here for a minute.

So thank you for caring about me, Mr. Hoffman.
You make me want to do better.

Darlene part 1

Hey,
it's me.
I don't know if you would recognize me
but if you were still here
I like to think we would be friends
and you would have helped me tell my parents
I was pregnant
and you would have helped me dye my hair
for the first time
and given me this bear ring
that I haven't gone without for
around 7 years.

If you were still here
you would have been the first
person I would have called
after I graduated
after I broke up with every one.
after having sex for the first time
after finding out I was pregnant.
after he proposed.
I would have called you today
when the kids were driving me crazy
no matter where you were.

And you would have come down
for my wedding
standing next to Uncle Ron
in his suit
when I saw him for the first time
as the biggest wedding present I got.
The older I have gotten
the more I have missed you.
And every wolf and dream catcher I see
makes me think of you.

I'd call you today to tell you
how annoying the weather is
because it is cold for two days
and hot for ten more and
honestly, I wish it would just be damn cold in the winter
it would be a lot more straightforward and I could just figure out what
to wear more easily.
I would tell you what extremely weird tv shows
I am watching for now
and how much it sucks
living in this body
how much you loved the
phantom book by
susan kay
and
and
and
why?

I miss you.

If I never Knew you

In my head
we sit next to each other
not talking too much
and maybe discussing what sushi we want to order
how long was the drive?
He always complains no matter what
so I just smile
and we order various things
and talk and pretend like we barely know
each other
because it is pretty hard to
ignore four years of history
even with all the pain.

You will probably make fun
of what I order
no matter what it is
and I'll touch your hair
as much as possible
but we'll avoid skin contact
and eye contact
and we'll scream about how much
we love the birthday girl
because that's what we are there for, right?

I don't know how painful
the day will be
I am a little afraid
and a little excited
and then
you might not be there
and then what was all this for?

Why is it that in my mind
I see you as kind
but when I see you for real
we can't.stop. hurting.

" So you were never a saint
and I loved in shades of wrong
we learn to live with the pain
mosaic broken hearts"

"of course. i miss you."
"would it really be so bad seeing me?"

We tried our hardest to be together
for years
and then we threw it away so quickly
it was like tripping.

I wonder what it is like for
the people who are just friends with you
who have never looked at you and
been in pain
who have never steadfastly looked down their parents
and did not give up every freedom she had
every six months.
I wonder what it is like to look at you
and never have loved you.

I often think it might be easier
but then where would I be?