"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Painful Memories

"Now we're standing alone
in a crowded room and
we're not speaking
and I'm dying to know
is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
since the twist of fate when it all broke down
and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side."
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I cannot count the amount of times
I have felt exactly like this damn song.
Every time I play it, I am shot back to
my best friends graduation when I saw my
ex boyfriend there. My mom was there and
she saw him and I couldn't even look at him
with her there but all I could see was him
and it was horribly painful, because all I wanted to do
was walk up to him and hug him and tell him how much I had
missed him over the last 8 months. How hard it was to break up
with him and how much I missed talking to him all the time
and how weird and difficult high school was without him
to talk to. How after four years, his arms still felt like the home I
always wanted, But instead I stared off to the side
and my mom watched me and I called him later and said
that I was sorry for how weird that night was. I think I stared
at the ceiling as much as possible and he did his best not to
look at me too much.

I want to say that was the last time that I saw
him in a public setting. I am pretty sure we've seen each other
since then. But it was the last time we were in public with
each other.
The memories of that night bring me so much pain. I had to
get in the car with my mom and pretend that nothing had happened.
That I wasn't screaming internally and feeling emotionally bruised.
That there wasn't years of memories that were painfully flashing through
my mind that ride home. That I wasn't remembering every kiss
every car ride, every le Madeleine's meal, every hair cut and hand hold,
every letter and message and IM and phone call.
But instead, I was quiet on the way home and went to bed
and my mom praised me for conducting myself so well that night
and not showing him anything.
and I was proud of myself for about ten minutes
and then I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep
because I was going to graduate soon as well
and because I had to be strong
and not go there again.

Just in case you read this
(I know you do sometimes)
I remember you
I miss you sometimes.
I am sorry we never saw the
light of day.
We were perfect for that time.
Romeo and Juliet
but then we died. And I know that I don't want
to re-animate the dead
but the memories make me smile
and weep for what we once had.
I hope one day that you
are as happy as I am.
Preferably without children though
because that mental image is a deeply disturbing one
but with lots of cats.

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