"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Holiday Blues

I have been having some trouble writing over the last month.
My word count is way down and all I can think about writing
is how depressed I feel, which is very, but it is still an extremely limited
thing to write about. I feel like there is really only so much
you can write about as far as feeling depressed.
But once again, here I am, trying to write about it
and feeling stilted as fuck.
I feel depressed nearly all the time.
It is the holiday season, which is what I consider
Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.
I haven't liked this season for a very long time.
Now don't get me wrong,
I like the cold because it is so rarely here in this area
I like the new Starbucks flavors that aren't really new
like peppermint and pumpkin and gingerbread.
Sometimes there is even extra time with my husband
which is lovely and rare
and there are sparkly decorations
and delicious food
and my uncontrollable urge to buy bottles and bottles
of sparkly grape juice
which I then drink in beautiful champagne glasses
or straight out of the bottle, like the
classy fucking lady I am.
And generally there is turkey and gravy
and root beer, all of which I deeply enjoy.

But this year, there will be a Thanksgiving without
my husband
and a Christmas without
my husband
and probably not a New Years without
my husband
and I hate that I have to play divorced person
between my parents and my husband
and his parents.
Because honestly, at this point?
I like my husband most days
I like my parents most days
and I like my in-laws most days
and I'd like my kids to have pleasant holidays
ones where mommy doesn't feel like recharging by being
by herself all the time
and ones where she isn't exhausted by the end of the
holiday time
and ones where everyone can just
shut the fuck up
and play nice for a few hours a fucking day.
Which only happens twice a year
plus my and the kids birthday
which is four goddamn times a year
we all have to shut the fuck up
and pretend we like each other.
and as someone who went to high school
and spent ALL YEAR
with people she had to pretend to like
multiple ones
with only three months a year I could avoid them
I don't understand how you can't just shut up and fake it
three times a year
for me and my kids.

And someone told me on Sunday that if
she couldn't  have me for 4 hours on Thanksgiving
that she didn't want me at all.
I don't know how to respond to that
I didn't, though. I just was like....okay
thanks for letting me know
because I am tired of being the one
who says sorry
and caves
and then feels horribly guilty for spending time
with her kids and husband
rather than her kids and parents
or vice versa
because no matter what I do, I feel guilty,
so one year, I am going to go on a vacation for these weeks
and then everyone will be disappointed
but I will be alone
and I won't be disappointed because I'll be doing what is
good and right for me.

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