Painful Memories

"Now we're standing alone
in a crowded room and
we're not speaking
and I'm dying to know
is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
since the twist of fate when it all broke down
and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side."
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I cannot count the amount of times
I have felt exactly like this damn song.
Every time I play it, I am shot back to
my best friends graduation when I saw my
ex boyfriend there. My mom was there and
she saw him and I couldn't even look at him
with her there but all I could see was him
and it was horribly painful, because all I wanted to do
was walk up to him and hug him and tell him how much I had
missed him over the last 8 months. How hard it was to break up
with him and how much I missed talking to him all the time
and how weird and difficult high school was without him
to talk to. How after four years, his arms still felt like the home I
always wanted, But instead I stared off to the side
and my mom watched me and I called him later and said
that I was sorry for how weird that night was. I think I stared
at the ceiling as much as possible and he did his best not to
look at me too much.

I want to say that was the last time that I saw
him in a public setting. I am pretty sure we've seen each other
since then. But it was the last time we were in public with
each other.
The memories of that night bring me so much pain. I had to
get in the car with my mom and pretend that nothing had happened.
That I wasn't screaming internally and feeling emotionally bruised.
That there wasn't years of memories that were painfully flashing through
my mind that ride home. That I wasn't remembering every kiss
every car ride, every le Madeleine's meal, every hair cut and hand hold,
every letter and message and IM and phone call.
But instead, I was quiet on the way home and went to bed
and my mom praised me for conducting myself so well that night
and not showing him anything.
and I was proud of myself for about ten minutes
and then I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep
because I was going to graduate soon as well
and because I had to be strong
and not go there again.

Just in case you read this
(I know you do sometimes)
I remember you
I miss you sometimes.
I am sorry we never saw the
light of day.
We were perfect for that time.
Romeo and Juliet
but then we died. And I know that I don't want
to re-animate the dead
but the memories make me smile
and weep for what we once had.
I hope one day that you
are as happy as I am.
Preferably without children though
because that mental image is a deeply disturbing one
but with lots of cats.

Day 10- My first kiss went a little like this.....

Day 10- Discuss your first love and your first kiss.

I find this a horribly awkward subject to write on. I'll start with my first kiss.

It was my freshman year, I was 14 or 15. I went to the movies with a guy that I met at my first school dance. I don't even remember what movie we saw, but my dad went and watched from several rows back so I think it might have been a Harry Potter movie. Retrospectively, this now seems hilarious. That poor guy! I remember him holding my hand and stroking the inside of my arm the entire time. That was a crazy feeling for someone who had never held hands with someone like that. Ever.

We walked out to the parking lot and before I got in the car, he held me and kissed me. It was soft and sweet and thinking about it makes me embarrassed, because it was a doomed relationship from the start. I never should have gone out with this guy and I'm horrified that I did. It wasn't that he was horribly ugly or a terrible person or something like that. It was just that I knew he was my friends ex and I did it anyway. I hate it. The kiss was nice though. I discovered that I LOVE kissing.

And now for the more painful part.

The first time I fell in love.

The end of freshman year. I began to get to know a guy I used to know from middle school. I was in 8th grade when he was in 11th, I believe, because I think he either had just graduated or was a year into college when we started being attracted to each other. I don't even know how to describe how things went down so I'm going to write some quotes from various things he and I wrote.

~I am not hating myself anymore. Sometimes I have to be numb.

~ I was thinking of you. I was just hoping that you wouldn't be stressed about the whole ordeal I put myself into. I didn't want you to worry that I would do something you would not like. I want you to trust in me.

~Megan, do I make you happy?

~ I held back for nothing

~Weird how we met, wierd how you hooked me, wierd and risky how much you mean to me.

~ I'm blind for you

~ You want me

~What were you thinking?

I have no pictures of either of these men.

If one of you (you know who you are) read this, please email me the pics of us. I'd really appreciate having them.

On the subject of my first falling in love, when I think about it, I feel intense grief for the way things ended. I lost a friend as well as many other things. He was one of three relationships that, when they ended, felt like I'd really truly lost something precious to me. I felt my heart break several times in that relationship. I think we were doomed from the start, and I mean that with as much hilarity as I can put in it.

I have no idea if he still considers me a friend. We rarely, if ever, talk. It was on and off for around three years, I think? I like to think that I'm a big enough person to wish him well now.

I pray for him though. Especially to Mary.

He was the first Catholic guy I dated.