In another Life

In an alternate universe,
There are many things I might do differently
and I say in a different universe
because if I did things differently here, I might
change how things are now.
and I don't think I'd want to change.
But in an alternate universe.

I'd ask for help more throughout my life
but mostly I'd ask for help and tried to stay
in that first apartment.

I'd try harder as I was growing up
to learn to keep things neat
because it is harder to learn how
to keep it neat as I grow older.

I'd save my money starting my freshman year of high school.

I would play paintball as much as possible
and play as much as possible.

I would tell him that
I was sorry and that I want to be friends
even if we weren't meant to be one true loves.
I would tell several people that, actually.

I would refuse to kiss that guy for his first kiss.
I would flirt a lot more
and I would go running all the time
and I would brush my teeth twice a day, every day
and not ever skip.

I would stick to choir, even though I was pregnant
just so I could have something to do that was away and
that kept up my music.

I would have used protection
and not been ashamed.

I would continue going to therapy,
even if it is expensive.

I would take my meds more regularly.

I would have worked harder at school.

But now I work to change myself in the now, rather than the later.

Pain and Anguish

So, I'm going through the loads of papers that I kept writing throughout high school. I have an extensively detailed diary that I've kept since 2007. So why the hell are significant names missing? The boyfriend before my current fiance isn't mentioned at all. All I can find of my first love are literally quotes I've written down. They take up pages and pages of journal, so why in the name of GOD didn't I detail it like I remember.

So I'm searching through my computer looking for all the correspondence that I've had with these people, and all this stuff pops up. Rereading it is painful but hilarious at the same time. There is so much energy in these words. There's tons of emotions in all of this writing and I find it incomprehensible that at one point I literally couldn't numb myself to all of this. The writing is incredibly extensive and painfully truthful, but at the same time we protected ourselves so fiercely. Honesty tempered with fear.

"You take care of everyone and keep everybody sane"

The word memorize pains me.

I'm not sure if thats how love is supposed to be. These days, it's a lot less dramatic, thankfully.

In any case, I've been feeling horribly melancholy today. Hence the pain and anguish. You may all carry on with your lives now!

Day 10- My first kiss went a little like this.....

Day 10- Discuss your first love and your first kiss.

I find this a horribly awkward subject to write on. I'll start with my first kiss.

It was my freshman year, I was 14 or 15. I went to the movies with a guy that I met at my first school dance. I don't even remember what movie we saw, but my dad went and watched from several rows back so I think it might have been a Harry Potter movie. Retrospectively, this now seems hilarious. That poor guy! I remember him holding my hand and stroking the inside of my arm the entire time. That was a crazy feeling for someone who had never held hands with someone like that. Ever.

We walked out to the parking lot and before I got in the car, he held me and kissed me. It was soft and sweet and thinking about it makes me embarrassed, because it was a doomed relationship from the start. I never should have gone out with this guy and I'm horrified that I did. It wasn't that he was horribly ugly or a terrible person or something like that. It was just that I knew he was my friends ex and I did it anyway. I hate it. The kiss was nice though. I discovered that I LOVE kissing.

And now for the more painful part.

The first time I fell in love.

The end of freshman year. I began to get to know a guy I used to know from middle school. I was in 8th grade when he was in 11th, I believe, because I think he either had just graduated or was a year into college when we started being attracted to each other. I don't even know how to describe how things went down so I'm going to write some quotes from various things he and I wrote.

~I am not hating myself anymore. Sometimes I have to be numb.

~ I was thinking of you. I was just hoping that you wouldn't be stressed about the whole ordeal I put myself into. I didn't want you to worry that I would do something you would not like. I want you to trust in me.

~Megan, do I make you happy?

~ I held back for nothing

~Weird how we met, wierd how you hooked me, wierd and risky how much you mean to me.

~ I'm blind for you

~ You want me

~What were you thinking?

I have no pictures of either of these men.

If one of you (you know who you are) read this, please email me the pics of us. I'd really appreciate having them.

On the subject of my first falling in love, when I think about it, I feel intense grief for the way things ended. I lost a friend as well as many other things. He was one of three relationships that, when they ended, felt like I'd really truly lost something precious to me. I felt my heart break several times in that relationship. I think we were doomed from the start, and I mean that with as much hilarity as I can put in it.

I have no idea if he still considers me a friend. We rarely, if ever, talk. It was on and off for around three years, I think? I like to think that I'm a big enough person to wish him well now.

I pray for him though. Especially to Mary.

He was the first Catholic guy I dated.