I find this a horribly awkward subject to write on. I'll start with my first kiss.
It was my freshman year, I was 14 or 15. I went to the movies with a guy that I met at my first school dance. I don't even remember what movie we saw, but my dad went and watched from several rows back so I think it might have been a Harry Potter movie. Retrospectively, this now seems hilarious. That poor guy! I remember him holding my hand and stroking the inside of my arm the entire time. That was a crazy feeling for someone who had never held hands with someone like that. Ever.
We walked out to the parking lot and before I got in the car, he held me and kissed me. It was soft and sweet and thinking about it makes me embarrassed, because it was a doomed relationship from the start. I never should have gone out with this guy and I'm horrified that I did. It wasn't that he was horribly ugly or a terrible person or something like that. It was just that I knew he was my friends ex and I did it anyway. I hate it. The kiss was nice though. I discovered that I LOVE kissing.
And now for the more painful part.
The first time I fell in love.
The end of freshman year. I began to get to know a guy I used to know from middle school. I was in 8th grade when he was in 11th, I believe, because I think he either had just graduated or was a year into college when we started being attracted to each other. I don't even know how to describe how things went down so I'm going to write some quotes from various things he and I wrote.
~I am not hating myself anymore. Sometimes I have to be numb.
~ I was thinking of you. I was just hoping that you wouldn't be stressed about the whole ordeal I put myself into. I didn't want you to worry that I would do something you would not like. I want you to trust in me.
~Megan, do I make you happy?
~ I held back for nothing
~Weird how we met, wierd how you hooked me, wierd and risky how much you mean to me.
~ I'm blind for you
~ You want me
~What were you thinking?
I have no pictures of either of these men.
If one of you (you know who you are) read this, please email me the pics of us. I'd really appreciate having them.
On the subject of my first falling in love, when I think about it, I feel intense grief for the way things ended. I lost a friend as well as many other things. He was one of three relationships that, when they ended, felt like I'd really truly lost something precious to me. I felt my heart break several times in that relationship. I think we were doomed from the start, and I mean that with as much hilarity as I can put in it.
I have no idea if he still considers me a friend. We rarely, if ever, talk. It was on and off for around three years, I think? I like to think that I'm a big enough person to wish him well now.
I pray for him though. Especially to Mary.
He was the first Catholic guy I dated.
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