Painful Eyes

To remember on days where
things hurt too damn much
and the drugs are wrong
or they don't worth and
the anxiety ramps up because
no money and scary doctors.

There are good things.

I get kisses all day every day.
the hope of future pets.
friends I can call and laugh with.
Red sheets and blankets.
watching iron man.
Hot tea.
sex.
introducing Sherlock to a new person.
jimmy johns and the hilarity that goes with it.
Eating soup with friends.
cigar with your brother.
the feeling of reality correcting itself.
my kindle and all of the books
kitchen dance parties.
text from last night
good stories
finding out you have a million things in common with someone you are just getting to know.
tumblr funnies
good quotes
fresh water
a good backrub
ambien
howling out songs
hearing someone say i love you
lying on the ground talking to my friends

The Story of not-us

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say they're the lucky ones

I used to know my spot was next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up, I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me

Oh I'm scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud


Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love then fight

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
Now, now

And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me?

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
'Cause we're going down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

The end

Fun stuff to do today.

Lots of Water

There are days for me
where the sun shines brightly
things feel incredibly exciting and new
and I feel like throwing dance parties just because
I can.


This is not one of those days.


This day feels horribly bleak.
I'm not even sure what to write for it
that doesn't sound like I'm bitching about
something ridiculous. But the sun is out and I still
feel like the sky is dark. I don't know what would fix
it. I feel like hibernating, like sleeping for the next few weeks
like pretending I don't exist, like the world doesn't have a giant
boner for screwing me over 25/7, like my head doesn't ache perpetually,
like I can read for longer than 30 minutes without my head splitting and like
migraines don't exist anymore. Like there's a world where I can turn my mind off
and just enjoy things, rather than getting frustrated over every little thing
or a world where I can communicate effectively
or a world where I can control my temper and my words better.

Or just a world where I can sleep for a few weeks.
That works too.

I wrote this today.

" One of my favorite days was a December day
 where I went and played paintball all day.
 It was crisp and cool and all of my friends
 were there and we were all disgusting and
muddy and at one point, my gun clogged so
 I was running around throwing paint balls at people,
 but it was just so lovely. Afterwards, thirty of us went
 back to the house and ordered pizza. Everyone had
 stripped down but we were all so tired, and beat up
 (paintball can cause HUGE bruising), it didn't matter.
 We all laid down on the floor and ate pizza and watched
 movies. I loved how I felt like I belonged. Moments like that
 stick in my head and I love them. It was three years ago.
I long for a day like that. Maybe next year. Maybe I'll
try that for my birthday. "

I love how this came out.
This is truth.
That day was cold and crispy.
I rode in my then future brother-in-law's
new truck.
I wore combat boots and army issued
camouflage pants.
My husband refuses to believe it
but he is a leader and I saw it that day. He
shows it in a hundred tiny ways during our normal
boring life
 but I saw it so clearly that day
and I wondered for a brief moment
if I was holding him back.

I saw a clear vision of a possible future
that day
and it made me aspire to be like that possible future him
even if that future wasn't mine.