NOT THIS DAY!

Fuck,
I've been slacking like crazy in my writing.
I knew something felt off the last few days.
Normally I can crank out some per day
but the last week has felt overcast and dreary as hell.
This day is no different, but I'm actively doing my best to make it better
and figure out my future.
Plan and play
try to make money somewhere
keep up my writing
take care of the kids
pretend to clean once in a while
figure out financial stuff
smoke a cigar
sing all of the music!
See Les Miserables as much as I can
and then buy it on blu-ray.
See my friends
eat leftovers
and pho.
Read a million books and
go back to school.
Make money
play hard
love hard
live.

These are the basic life ambitions of mine.
Things I should do involve
losing weight
finding a house
finding an apartment
run
read
write
go back to school
make money
find job

I spent a good few hours with friends yesterday
and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel insecure about friends a lot, because as many people have
there have been times I have misjudged people
and times they have misjudged me and that can be difficult
but these friends, whether I'm one-on-one, just the three of us or
two couples together, always make me feel normal and funny. We
can talk the hard, difficult stuff and we often do, but a great deal of the
time is spent laughing. Hysterically.
They make me think and laugh and talk. A lot.
I know I have a place on their couch and they know that
we always have a place for them on ours.

I've been reading fanfiction lately. I have to say, the
quality has vastly improved since I was last involved in
that particular community. Granted, I was extremely young
last time I was playing in this area, so I can't really judge whether
it has gotten better or my comprehension has gotten better,
but once again, stories are fuel to my fire and reading stories that
play with characters that I love is deeply enjoyable for me. So there's that.
I'm trying to read as much as possible without spending money. And
I could go to the library, but I could also read free fanfiction and review it
and enjoy playing in the various universes.
And oh, how I do.

I wish I could write about how I feel about all the things
I read about on the websites I read.
The feminist stuff.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about choice
and prostitution
and sex work in general
and the patriarchy
and how to make feminism inclusional
and how women are treated in the religion
I grew up in.
And I'm working on it.
I'm talking about it.
But I want to write about it.
And be open about it.

Maybe one day I'll stop writing like an amateur poet
and actually write the way I want to,
BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!

I had a migraine yesterday
it made the world feel so hostile
it was insane.
Noises became painful
and light was the enemy.

Fortunately, sleep and water and
medication prevailed
and relative sanity has been restored
to my body and my brain.

Not that there was a whole hell
of a lot to begin with. It is nice to have
all the parts functioning well.

We now have a WiiU. I'm glad he
likes it, because I have so much trouble learning
new gaming systems. Grrr. But I'm happy if he's happy.
Thankfully, he isn't hard to please.

It has gotten cold in the last few days. I
am enjoying it a ridiculous amount. I still haven't smoked my cigar
but I will. Someday!

Today is today
it has been long
and difficult
and I need both a drink and
a break.

or a cigar.
A cigar would be nice.
It is near cold enough
for one.
I have at least three I could smoke
plus an entire box that is his
but that he'll share
thankfully.

sometimes I am reminded of
how i fell in love with him
and why,
and how he dances with me
and what that does to me
and how he makes me smile
the way we work and play together
and how mutually frustrated we are
And how he listens to the things I love
even the teeny weeny leather bikini loves
and the dragon earring loves
and the WATCH BATTLESTAR WITH ME loves
these things are important to me
and so he makes them important to him.

I am so thankful for ibueprofen
makes the headaches slow down
all the tightness loosens.

circles

Some of the best days
I can remember
are the ones where me and mike
(my husband)
were together alone.
He used to have days off
sometimes
and the best ones were days
with blue skies
where we drove in cars
and the times where we
went to Renaissance Festival
and we would hang out
and watch movies together
and talk excessively
to the point where we would
fall asleep together.
Him trying to get me to stay awake
during some movies
or teaching me to play video
or computer games.
me reading to him
some of my favorite books
or the news
or whatever was going on that day.
or sitting snuggled together at church
and him waking me up whenever
it was time to
stand or kneel
laying in the grass
after having a strawberry daquiri
and the way he looked at me
like he was proud of me.
Sometimes I remember
how he was crazy or brave
and it still impresses
me.
falling in love in the middle of target
falling in love at a bar
where, while we talked
I rested my legs on his
and laughed
and hated how the beer smelled.
Or how he taught me to smoke
and to love cigars
something that carries on.
and the thousand times he's broken my
heart through little things
he's made it new with
a million more.
honeymooning in san antonio
or the way I always like the movies
he wants me to watch
even when I protest.
Or the way we laughed until we cried
when he scared me
the two straight months we watched
Weeds
after I had the twins
and cackled so much
we sometimes woke up the kids.
or the time we went paintballing together
and how scared I was
and how much fun I had.
how hard we laughed while he was looking
for a job
but on nights
we were watching
How I Met Your Mother.
and when we went to TGIFridays once
he ordered 2 separate Long Islands
and I drank both of them
before he got any.
and how hard it is for me to pick
out his presents,

sometimes
when we are sitting
just us two
in a quiet restaurant
I remember these days
those halcyon days
and long for them
and it hurts me for a little while
but I also remember
that no matter what age I am
they will be coming back
they are always coming
life is a circle
and the circle
just keeps spinning.