Happy Birthday, Love.

Hi you
So it was your birthday a few days ago
and I feel like the worst person ever
because I didn't get you anything.
Even though I gave you fifty dollars
and you said that was okay
I feel like it isn't.
And you won't tell me what you want
for Christmas
and it is upsetting me
because even if I don't have money
I want you to be happy.

And that is what it comes down to
More than anything in my life,
I want you to be happy.
More than my own life.
And you piss me off sometimes
and you break little bits of my heart
in ways that I never thought possible,
but that is the truth of it.

We are best friends and
I've had many of those and
I know that means pain to some degree
because you know me well enough to hurt me
but also well enough to love me
more than anyone.

You love me when I'm sweaty
and when I'm gone the majority of the day
and when I steal your socks
and your 3DS
and when I don't want to play
with you.
And when I'm angry at the kids
or you
and you make me smile
and sometimes you stand outside the shower
and talk to me while I wash my hair.
And deal with my weird questions
and my constant music
and for a long time
 you dealt with my various hostilities
with extreme finesse considering who I
Was being difficult with.

You are my perfect mix of man
and child.
We play together and work together
and I enjoy that.
Try not to be so hostile
and I'll do my best not to
as well.

I love you
and Happy Birthday.

circles

Some of the best days
I can remember
are the ones where me and mike
(my husband)
were together alone.
He used to have days off
sometimes
and the best ones were days
with blue skies
where we drove in cars
and the times where we
went to Renaissance Festival
and we would hang out
and watch movies together
and talk excessively
to the point where we would
fall asleep together.
Him trying to get me to stay awake
during some movies
or teaching me to play video
or computer games.
me reading to him
some of my favorite books
or the news
or whatever was going on that day.
or sitting snuggled together at church
and him waking me up whenever
it was time to
stand or kneel
laying in the grass
after having a strawberry daquiri
and the way he looked at me
like he was proud of me.
Sometimes I remember
how he was crazy or brave
and it still impresses
me.
falling in love in the middle of target
falling in love at a bar
where, while we talked
I rested my legs on his
and laughed
and hated how the beer smelled.
Or how he taught me to smoke
and to love cigars
something that carries on.
and the thousand times he's broken my
heart through little things
he's made it new with
a million more.
honeymooning in san antonio
or the way I always like the movies
he wants me to watch
even when I protest.
Or the way we laughed until we cried
when he scared me
the two straight months we watched
Weeds
after I had the twins
and cackled so much
we sometimes woke up the kids.
or the time we went paintballing together
and how scared I was
and how much fun I had.
how hard we laughed while he was looking
for a job
but on nights
we were watching
How I Met Your Mother.
and when we went to TGIFridays once
he ordered 2 separate Long Islands
and I drank both of them
before he got any.
and how hard it is for me to pick
out his presents,

sometimes
when we are sitting
just us two
in a quiet restaurant
I remember these days
those halcyon days
and long for them
and it hurts me for a little while
but I also remember
that no matter what age I am
they will be coming back
they are always coming
life is a circle
and the circle
just keeps spinning.

To A Friend Who Became a Sister

This post is a tribute to someone
called Boo.
I met you while you were in middle school
and I was in high school and I remember
quickly feeling like you and I were
a friendship made in heaven.

as the years have gone on,
I am so grateful for our friendship.
I remember singing in choir with you
and sitting in the choir loft during chapel
and giggling inappropriately and hysterically
at everything
and trying to switch shoes for a day
which was really hard due to our intense shoe
differences, but was the cause of much fun and silly
memories. It was much easier to hang out with you
when you hit high school, because we could eat lunch
together and commiserate over our classes
through the art gallery.

I've always deeply admired your
ability to play any sport, no matter what
and your artistic ability, because you draw
beautifully, and you are play a piano with
fantastic abilities  and you can charm all the parents
and I know that life is just starting for you
and college is hitting and changing
and lots of fun
and I feel like you've surpassed all that I've done.

and so I guess I'm both proud of you
and jealous of you but definitely proudest of you
you are beautiful outside,
but you are wonderfully beautiful on the inside
and that makes you a lovely person,
You are there when I need to relax,
or to make a gourmet meal,
and you drink all the beer that I don't want
and make me go dancing and to play pool.


I am so glad we are friends.
You've made me a better person
and I hope I've been able to help you
over the years.
I love you.

I miss you

Letter to someone who is never far from my mind- good or bad

Dear J-

This is River
Just so you know
I remember you from the beginning of high school
in 2005
I remember the night after Scottish Festival
where you stayed up with me
the whole night long
and heard me cry
and our plans to run away to
a beach in mexico
a private one
I lost you
and I still can't find you
although I swear one day I will
I swear it
by all the gods
Remember planning the worlds' best
Valentine's day?
Remember calling me to tell me that
Pluto was no longer a planet?
Remember me telling you that missouri city
was almost as close to the woodlands
as it was pasadena
we laughed over my sense of direction
for literal years
Remember me asking how Spiky was
but it didn't really matter any more
because he didn't care about us.
Remember the first time I called
where I actually called Spiky
and you picked up
and I assumed you were his boyfriend
because you were apparently wrapping
Christmas presents together
(I can't believe how well I remember all of this)
Remember me texting you every time
my mom drove me through Pasadena
I still look for you whenever I'm in that general area
I curse my younger self
for not getting specifics
where you worked
all I know is that I drive by your old high school
at least twice a year
and I think
where could you be?
 Your town isn't that big
but where are you now?
You missed my senior year
which went crazy halfway through
you missed it
and I missed you
Remember how in love with that one girl
you were?
Remember how my name is River?
Remember how you taught me
how to feel better during my first year of high school?
I still have your letters
they are in my cigar boxes
and I miss you
I wish you could know my life
J.O
if you read this
my number is the same
I miss you