If I die Young

If I die young

someone please delete my browser history
without looking through it.
and maybe after the funeral
because I know how people are
and me saying not to look through it
won't stop anyone and I'd rather not have all
my ugly secrets paraded out until I'm already in
the ground or scattered amidst the roses or water or whatever
because by then, I'll be gone and I won't have to listen
to whatever you will be saying about what horrible things
were on my internet!

Christ, that was incredibly morbid way to start anything.
Thankfully, this day has taken a complete turnaround
and where I was afraid of the ending of it, now I welcome the
progression. It is going to get better- I don't feel very sick.
Life can be hard, but people are willing to help you, to
work with you, to make life just a little less hard so you can
learn effectively and not be a zombiebitch to your family. I really
really appreciate that. Because I want to impress and be my best
and help people back. I just can't do that if I'm destroying ALL of my
support systems in the process. But seriously, kind people allow me to
try to be Superman. And I am so so thankful for that.
Even if my superman is closer to Hellboy.
Full of snark
but loves the animals.
Do-able.
I can do this.
I can play the game and
win it.
And still be me.

The sky isn't that nice today
and I don't feel that great
because jobs aren't forthcoming
and a house or an apartment feels
a long way away even though it may be pretty short
But I just bought something for our new place
a little hellboy figurine
because I want my place
to feel like mine
wherever I am
so in my new place
I want to only have stuff I love
if it is mine
than I better like it
or I'm getting rid of it.
Hang my dreamcatcher on the wall
put my rainbow cactus on my golden bookshelf
and my little statues
and one day a little model firefly to remind me
that no one can take the sky from me.

and I'll play Les Miserables all the time
and enjoy Battlestar Galactica on occasion
and have my own couch to sit on
with my person
and invite over friends
and make my own fucking smoothies
and have fun with my kids in their room
and cook all the crappy food ever.
It will be awesome.
And now I feel better.

Characters continued

Once agan

Fictional characters I love so far
which for a disclaimer
I will state
that I know a lot of them are problematic
and I will address that out loud sometimes
and in my head often
and me loving them does not mean they are perfect
but that I love them anyway.


Anne of Green Gables
of Anne of Green Gables
with multiple books to your name
you and diana are the first people I shipped
so funny and sweet
you are a redhead
DON'T CALL ME CARROTS
Maybe if he was a LITTLE evil
darn those pringles!
funny dreamer
teach me to dream as big as you did


jo march
of little woman, little men and jo's boys
you broke my heart
a million times
in these books
tough and a writer
cut your hair
married not who we thought
loved your children
finally became a famous writer

Hellboy
of Hellboy
Fell in love with you at
13
still love you eight years later
teaching me that my choices
are what matters
not where I come from.
even if you were hell's own child
terse, even laconic
and funny
and won over by pancakes
you are part of my dreams
and save me from my nightmares.
Even the ones where
i end up in hell

Day Three- To My Parents

Dear Parents,

A new era has arrived, kind of. I am the daughter and the soon to be mother and for the first time, I see us turning into friends. Adult-y friend. That is, by far, the best present I could ever hope for while being in this house. I love that I can ask you for help or talk to you about whatever pops into my mind and not feel embarrassed, or even when I DO feel embarrassed, to get past it, because it has led to some amazing conversations.

Mom, you show me what a good mother-daughter relationship looks like. It involves fights, good books, the occasional movie, tears, dates, talks about boys, hand holding, cuddling, laughing hysterically, therapy, church and respect. Parental perfection is NOT included, but no one cares, because it’s too much fun anyway. I love that I can walk into your office and you make time for me. I love that you support my relationship with my fiancé even when it’s hard to and you always give me the mommy perspective that I need. You have taught me how to cook (I swear, I know more than just noodles) and you share your clothes with me now that I’m all pregnant and whatnot. You don’t make fun of my fat feet and you held my hand during my first ultrasound. I laugh like crazy when I’m around you. I love sharing my favorite books with you because I know you’ll enjoy them as much as I have. You taught me how to slice a mango the right way, how to make the best chamomile tea and that curly hair is ALWAYS better then straight hair. You gave me your tool box. I didn’t inherit your organizational skills, but you help me out with them anyway. I always remember that if your around, my situation become 100% less stressful. I learned to love my body from you. I learned to use contacts instead of glasses from you. I learned to play nice with my little brother from you and I guarantee that the first time I ‘mama bear’ at someone, I’ll have learned it from you.

Dad, you taught me how to sing. My funniest memory of us is me putting my hand over your mouth. I had so much fun driving to school with you my junior and senior year. We’ve had fun exchanging music and Stephen King books. I love how we have a mutual affection for Constantine and Hellboy. Thanks for permanently spawning a lifelong hatred of talk radio in my early years and for teaching me to research and read about politics, not just settle for what the general media tells me. I can’t wait to see you rock my boys to sleep and I can’t wait to go and get my CHL with you when I turn 21. I love how you converted to Catholicism and how that makes you a stronger Catholic. I love how we can get together and bitch and feel better because of it. I love how you gave me my sense of humor, albeit a somewhat morbid one and my ability to defend myself and my love of a good creepy novel.

I love you