Being A Doll

On the way home last night
a man asked me "Do you ever listen
to anything that makes you happy?" This was
in reference to me telling him that a certain song made me
feel pretty melancholy. I had to explain to him, that in order
for me to write in a way that makes me feel like I have anything
important to say, some bits of me have to be in pain. To be perfectly
honest, I am in pain of some sort all day every day. But there is something
in the various music I listen to that gives me a visceral outlet for my feelings. It
helps me remember all the bad stuff so I can remember the good stuff. If I shut out
all the bad, I can't get to the good stuff, because in my head it is mixed so deeply that I
can't separate it. I can't remember ever being at a point where I could, but maybe I just can't
remember.

But in my head
there's always a "but'
it's never
'and it was just beautiful.'
I wish there was a way to reprogram
the part of my brain that remembers the bad things
more than the good. I can remember good things but only
in the context of the bad. Which means I will never look at a blue sky
without remembering who I called that day and talked to, and how afraid I was.
And swimming in a pool will always remind me of someone trying to drown me. And
how he wasn't there when I needed him most, even though he always picks up the phone
when I call. There is no way to siphon out the poison in my brain without making everything else
come out too. Maybe that's why I like Dollhouse so much. All that crap,
all gone.

Run

Regardless of where I am or what is going on
this song speaks to me. I've heard this song for years and years of 
my life and I could sing them off the top of my head quite easily.
And I will never forget these words.



If there's a plane or a bus leaving Dallas
I hope you're on it
If there's a train moving fast down the tracks
I hope you caught it

Cause I swear out there ain't where you ought to be
So catch a ride, catch a cab
Don't you know I miss you bad
But don't you walk to me

Baby run, cut a path across the blue skies
Straight in a straight line
You can't get here fast enough

Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Dallas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby run

If you ain't got a suit case
Get a box or an old brown paper sack
And pack it light or pack it heavy
Take a truck, take a Chevy
Baby just come back

There's a shortcut to the highway out of town
Why don't you take it
Don't let that speed limit slow you down
Go on and break it

Baby run, cut a path across the blue skies
Straight in a straight line 
You can't get here fast enough

Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Dallas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby run

Baby run
Oh baby run
Baby run

So, today I heard a song on the radio.

I can't believe they played it. It's from 2006 and I felt a brief burst of pain on listening. It shocks me that it's been 5 years since I listened to that song on a daily basis.

I had a friend that broke up with his girlfriend and then called me, and left a hilariously sad voicemail, while this song was playing on the background. I've never been able to re-find him after the end of my junior year. I miss talking to him and our friendship. Any help?

Anyway, all sadness aside. I have tonight to myself. I doubt that means much of anything besides wedding planning, job applying and whatnot, and in all honestly, that doesn't bother me all that much.

I loove Lady Gaga, I think Born this Way is a wonderful song and totally inspired, but the Judas song is killing me. We get that you are so innovative, but STOP. At falling in love with Judas.

Nonononono