Being A Doll

On the way home last night
a man asked me "Do you ever listen
to anything that makes you happy?" This was
in reference to me telling him that a certain song made me
feel pretty melancholy. I had to explain to him, that in order
for me to write in a way that makes me feel like I have anything
important to say, some bits of me have to be in pain. To be perfectly
honest, I am in pain of some sort all day every day. But there is something
in the various music I listen to that gives me a visceral outlet for my feelings. It
helps me remember all the bad stuff so I can remember the good stuff. If I shut out
all the bad, I can't get to the good stuff, because in my head it is mixed so deeply that I
can't separate it. I can't remember ever being at a point where I could, but maybe I just can't
remember.

But in my head
there's always a "but'
it's never
'and it was just beautiful.'
I wish there was a way to reprogram
the part of my brain that remembers the bad things
more than the good. I can remember good things but only
in the context of the bad. Which means I will never look at a blue sky
without remembering who I called that day and talked to, and how afraid I was.
And swimming in a pool will always remind me of someone trying to drown me. And
how he wasn't there when I needed him most, even though he always picks up the phone
when I call. There is no way to siphon out the poison in my brain without making everything else
come out too. Maybe that's why I like Dollhouse so much. All that crap,
all gone.