Tonight
is so difficult
I don't know if all
teenagers are this difficult
I like to think that I wasn't
but obviously I'm pretty biased
but the one I'm watching
does the opposite
of whatever I ask him
whatever I tell him
tried to run away
leaves without
telling you
where
he is
going.

He screams
when he doesn't get his
way, bangs on the
walls, acts belligerent, screws with
me but when his parents get home,
I'm sure it will
be my fault for walking around with a
target on my back. Of course.
I don't know what to do
it is problematic to say the least
and it is getting dark out
and I say come inside!
and he says
I do what I want
I don't have to
I don't give a-

WHAT AM I STILL HERE?
What do I do with this person?
How am I supposed to be
an effective guardian
watchman, babysitter whatever
IF THE PERSON I AM WATCHING
WON'T EVEN TRY TO DO
ANYTHING I SAY?

things I don't say

I wish I could say
what is going on through
my head all day
my thoughts are terrible
a lot of the time
I am angry
or cold
or hot
or annoyed
or tired
all of these are not good
per se
but not bad either
just on the darker end
of my spectrum.

I like to read
dark and horrible things
more than I like to read
 the light and funny
of my youth
it just isn't fun any more
I prefer my darkness
with spatterings of light
but mostly darkness
my ability to watch dark things
however
has limits.
who knew
but the dark movies
still terrify me
I know some pictures
will never come out of my head
so I stay away
to stay safe
what is in my head
is scarier anyway.

my arms are my enemy
they have gotten better
and after having children
the skin feels all
odd
maybe it is still leftover
from the allergic reaction
i had
to demerol
ouch
and yuck

spongebob makes me
feel so crazy
dora the explorer
and diego
and team umi zumi
GET OFF MY TV
 you are driving me
up a wall
and down the other side
quality tv includes
quality voices

sometimes
hellkitten speaks in
third person
which seems silly
but she gets the point
and it makes her feel pretty good
and funny
so there you go


and then a date
with my husband
we can't agree on anything
the movie
or where to eat
WHY EVEN BOTHER
Why not just stay home and
watch battlestar galactica
if i can't make a suggestion
and we can't agree on anything
and I don't even want to
put on a bra.

so frustrated