There's a box
that I've had since I was
fourteen years old
and it is full of letters and
mementos
love letters I never sent
love letters people gave me
and goodbye letters
a few IDs and photos
that pain me to look at
and drawings
poetry that a man once
wrote to me
or about me
because thankfully
my last name was easy to rhyme with.
There's a letter from a man who claimed
I was the love of his life
and that he would never want any one
else, even though I'd broken his heart.
I don't know if that is still true
but I hope it is not.
There are notes between me and
my friends, because once we were in
our final year of high school
all we did was pass notes and
talk about everything and sometimes
I kept them and put them
in the big brown cigar box
because one day there will be a book
but for now, there is a box.
I keep the painful memories,
along with the beautiful ones,
locked in a box
or alternately on files
with strange names.
I really should print them out and put them
in the box, too.
Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I haven't put anything in the box
in eight months
and that means that sometimes you
have to have hard copies of things that
made you cry
and that is what the box is for.
You can open it for an hour
and be entertained
or horrified
or just to remember love
and then close it.
and it will be gone until you decide to bring it back.

Letters to Y'all

Dear ones,

I don’t even know your names yet. Forgive me for not always addressing this letter as a plural; it’s still hard to think of y’all as a twosome even though I’ve seen y’all in the pictures. It’s not so hard to believe I’m pregnant these days, because I’m sick all the time and my body is changing in a bunch of different ways, and I’m even more hormonal, which according to some people is darn near impossible to be. However, I’m sure you’ll see it all at some point, if your daddy and I decide to have more children. Be afraid, be very afraid!
In any case, I’m writing to you because I’m sure at some point you’ll want to know how I was feeling at 13-14 months. Well, you probably won’t care, but I will. And I want to remember how I felt, the good and the bad. And the scary, ‘cause there’s some of that. It’s April 2010. Currently, my cat (which is actually the family cat) likes to sit on my stomach and purr, which makes your dad mad. He has called it stepping on the children and appears to take great offense at it. I personally think he knows you are in there and is saying hello and expressing his love for you! Since apparently EVERYONE is going to want to touch my stomach when it gets bigger, why can’t I let the animal, who I actually like, touch my stomach? Riddle me that!
We have a baby four month old Rottweiler who thinks she’s the queen of the house. She’s very sweet and friendly, and we (meaning my brother, my mom, my dad and me) are trying very hard to train her before y’all get here. I’m eighteen (young, huh?) and it’s pretty scary being pregnant, but I’m blessed with a supportive family and supportive boyfriend (y’all’s daddy) and his family. I laugh a lot and I get really angry a lot but I rarely cry these days, which is frustrating, because there are a lot of times where I think I should just sit down and cry. It would get rid of a lot of pent up aggression and whatnot. I’ve never done drugs and I don’t like alcohol. I love all music, except your dad’s favorite thing to listen to, which is a strange parody band that should probably be wiped off the face of the earth. But I’m not biased. AT ALL. Personally, I like country, alternative rock and hip-hop. And the musical music. Some indie, which is a genre that doesn’t quite make sense to me. Anything I can dance to gets a pass, as well. I like classical if I’m playing it on the piano or guitar. But I was raised on country, including some of the more ridiculously good and I will do my best to help you love my music as well as cultivate an interest in what you like. You’d be amazed at some of the crap people listen to these days, though.
I lose everything. I try to love everyone, even the people that I dislike for no apparent reason. I like silver and don’t like gold. I love driving with the windows down and the music cranked up. I love candy, especially nerds. I love to read and I love the whole “vampire” concept, even though you will be WAY too young for a really long time and probably the whole thing will be out of style by the time you are old enough to understand. I wasn’t very popular in high school, but I had a close group of girl friends, who will be your “aunties” or whatever the hell they want to be called. I promise to try as hard as I can not to embarrass you. I apologize in advance for the hairiness (points at your dad). I apologize in advance for overanalyzing everything, which I am bound to do, if I become a therapist.

I love you both, with all my heart. As terrified as I am of being a mom, I also can’t wait for you to get here!
Until I write next, (tomorrow)
I love you
Your Mom