A love story, part 2

So after the painful breakup of January

I finally went back to school

and people walked around me

more carefully which

was kind of silly

because I definitely cried

more than I screamed.

But after that I dated someone else

K, we'll call him

and it was funny and pleasant

and honestly, a long time coming

as we had been flirting for a long time

and I had been his first kiss

and he needed a girlfriend

and I needed a person 

who would love me 

for a while

and he did

and I did

and after graduation

life got tough because

we didn't see each other everyday

and people weren't as supportive

and it
just
got
hard
so I ended it. And he was horribly
sad and i was sad
but I knew I wanted to be single
in college
but

One day,

after months had passed

and I had graduated high school

and time had healed me, for the most part

(and it had, kind of, because I contacted him in May, maybe

after cutting off contact in January

But only to tell him that I had gotten into college)
but then I contacted the man
I had fallen in love with
once
and told him how I was
doing
and asked how he was
doing
and lo and behold
he was single!

I believe I was angry
when I found out
because he broke up with
me for someone who wasn't the love
of his life because I knew when we first dated
that this was someone who I'd never get tired of.
but that didn't matter too much
so we talked a while
and decided to go for lunch one day.
And I got excited.

Day 8- Oooo Satisfaction

Day 08- A moment where I felt most satisfied with myself.

In this moment, I was pregnant, my parents knew it, I knew that they still loved me and we were loving on a sweet puppy and I was visiting my brother in Austin. I missed Mike, but I felt really loved and wasn't worried about the future at all.

I was happy here. The weather was perfect, I was with my best friends and I felt totally un self-conscious. It was a wonderful trip.

It was graduation. I was happy and excited for me and my family and my friends and my then boyfriend. Everyone was happy, I had just gotten my car and all I was worried about was what party to go to that night!

And day 3.....

There is something disconcerting about being able to watch your belly move of its own accord. It may seem like a great and wondrous miracle to all those around you, but to me, it just feels off. That’s not to say I’m a mean and horrible person who doesn’t appreciate the miracle of human life, but rather that I’m a scared young mother who has seen way too many science fiction-y movies and read way too many books and would rather her tummy move only when she wants it to. Which will probably characterize a lot of her motherhood….DO WHAT I TELL YOU, NOT WHAT YOU WANT!

I’m tired. And I hurt. A lot. Which is a part of pregnancy, sure, and even more a part when you are having multiples but I’m tired of my rib cage and my back hurting. It makes it hard to sleep and hard to stay awake and it just isn’t the fun part of pregnancy. I’m not really even sure that there IS a fun part of pregnancy, because all I can think of that might fit into that category is my mass consumption of flaming hot cheetoes and coca-cola. But the other stuff isn’t bad. It’s just kind of ouch. And by kind of, I mean a lot. And then when I do something stupid, like get a massive sunburn on my back, I can’t sleep on my front. Um, wow, that was NOT smart. Lack of sunscreen is not a positive thing. It turns your back bright red and makes it impossible to sleep. Or put on aloe vera by yourself, which makes me feel like a complete wuss.

I think, sometimes, that I’d do better as a solitary person. I love people, don’t get me wrong, but these days, I just don’t feel connected to anyone. I get angry a lot over things that should be buried in the past and that isn’t fair to whomever I am projecting it at. I’m still at my boyfriend’s house and I miss my family. Which is weird, because I get frustrated and angry with them and they invade my personal space but they are my family and I miss them. I hate not being able to be around them on a daily basis.

I’m back to watching Grey’s Anatomy. Again. I’m not proud but it is horribly addictive and…you know what? People like me shouldn’t be allowed to watch shows like that. They never end and then you end up addicted for the rest of your life to a show that’s actually excellent but is something you can’t watch all the time. Why do they make shows like this??? They destroy my sanity.

I haven’t waited by the phone in years. I stopped doing that when I stopped dating random guys who had no real investment in my life. I hate waiting by the phone. Nothing makes me feel more like a waste of God-given space. So why is it, that even though I know I’ve gotten this damn job, I’m still waiting by the damn phone to see if I’ll be working this week. I need to work. I need money. I need to stop feeling so damn lazy and just go to fucking work. May I please please please go to work now?