There is something disconcerting about being able to watch your belly move of its own accord. It may seem like a great and wondrous miracle to all those around you, but to me, it just feels off. That’s not to say I’m a mean and horrible person who doesn’t appreciate the miracle of human life, but rather that I’m a scared young mother who has seen way too many science fiction-y movies and read way too many books and would rather her tummy move only when she wants it to. Which will probably characterize a lot of her motherhood….DO WHAT I TELL YOU, NOT WHAT YOU WANT!
I’m tired. And I hurt. A lot. Which is a part of pregnancy, sure, and even more a part when you are having multiples but I’m tired of my rib cage and my back hurting. It makes it hard to sleep and hard to stay awake and it just isn’t the fun part of pregnancy. I’m not really even sure that there IS a fun part of pregnancy, because all I can think of that might fit into that category is my mass consumption of flaming hot cheetoes and coca-cola. But the other stuff isn’t bad. It’s just kind of ouch. And by kind of, I mean a lot. And then when I do something stupid, like get a massive sunburn on my back, I can’t sleep on my front. Um, wow, that was NOT smart. Lack of sunscreen is not a positive thing. It turns your back bright red and makes it impossible to sleep. Or put on aloe vera by yourself, which makes me feel like a complete wuss.
I think, sometimes, that I’d do better as a solitary person. I love people, don’t get me wrong, but these days, I just don’t feel connected to anyone. I get angry a lot over things that should be buried in the past and that isn’t fair to whomever I am projecting it at. I’m still at my boyfriend’s house and I miss my family. Which is weird, because I get frustrated and angry with them and they invade my personal space but they are my family and I miss them. I hate not being able to be around them on a daily basis.
I’m back to watching Grey’s Anatomy. Again. I’m not proud but it is horribly addictive and…you know what? People like me shouldn’t be allowed to watch shows like that. They never end and then you end up addicted for the rest of your life to a show that’s actually excellent but is something you can’t watch all the time. Why do they make shows like this??? They destroy my sanity.
I haven’t waited by the phone in years. I stopped doing that when I stopped dating random guys who had no real investment in my life. I hate waiting by the phone. Nothing makes me feel more like a waste of God-given space. So why is it, that even though I know I’ve gotten this damn job, I’m still waiting by the damn phone to see if I’ll be working this week. I need to work. I need money. I need to stop feeling so damn lazy and just go to fucking work. May I please please please go to work now?