Phantom

There are phantom pains

that I have known

inside my brain 

and on my body

on my left leg, behind my knee

was the first time I was stung by a wasp

when I was thirteen and at camp

and I can still feel it sometimes

and on my right knee

in gym class at twelve

told the teacher I could not do the jump

was made to do the jump anyway and 

popped my knee out of place. 

It took a week to get it back in 

and it still hurts in the cold weather. 

and when I see the tail on my new cat

Evangeline

(ma belle evangeline)

there's a brief pain because that raccoon tail 

belonged to Noah.

There are scars and scars that run beneath 

my hair in my scalp that hurt and ache on occasion

the corners of my head and underneath my ears especially

even if they are old and self inflicted 

they are still achy, especially when I'm tired.

There are hands 

that when I see them

cause me such pain

that I worry that my internal organs will explode
and then my bed calls me for days
and I worry that I'll never move forward

and there is a purple scar on the lowest point of my belly
long and thin
and hidden
it almost never hurts

the cold makes my joints ache
and my hair freeze
but I smoke my cigars and drink my coffee
and cuddle ma belle Evangeline
NOT all together
and watch the fireworks tonight
and read terrifying books
while thanking the voiceless gods
that I am here.