"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Saturday, November 2, 2013


There are phantom pains
that I have known
inside my brain 
and on my body

on my left leg, behind my knee
was the first time I was stung by a wasp
when I was thirteen and at camp
and I can still feel it sometimes

and on my right knee
in gym class at twelve
told the teacher I could not do the jump
was made to do the jump anyway and 
popped my knee out of place. 
It took a week to get it back in 
and it still hurts in the cold weather. 

and when I see the tail on my new cat
(ma belle evangeline)
there's a brief pain because that raccoon tail 
belonged to Noah.

There are scars and scars that run beneath 
my hair in my scalp that hurt and ache on occasion
the corners of my head and underneath my ears especially
even if they are old and self inflicted 
they are still achy, especially when I'm tired.

There are hands 
that when I see them
cause me such pain
that I worry that my internal organs will explode
and then my bed calls me for days
and I worry that I'll never move forward

and there is a purple scar on the lowest point of my belly
long and thin
and hidden
it almost never hurts

the cold makes my joints ache
and my hair freeze
but I smoke my cigars and drink my coffee
and cuddle ma belle Evangeline
NOT all together
and watch the fireworks tonight
and read terrifying books
while thanking the voiceless gods
that I am here.

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