Fun Parts

"I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me.
Oh I'm never speaking up again...
starting now."

The fun parts
are when I remember
that no matter how often I straighten my hair
and paint my nails
there is no way I could change myself
that would make you love me

The fun parts are
when I finally have something to go to
that doesn't make me react viscerally with anxiety
but I take the meds to feel better for the next body horror
and lo and behold! They make me feel worse.
and so not only did I miss what I was looking forward to
but now i can joyously be worried about how I affected

The fun parts are
never knowing what to wear
because who knows what everyone will expect from you
what to bring for a present to someone who has known your name
since you were born
but couldn't tell you your favorite color
or what you like.

The fun parts are how my stomach hurts
and how when I'm falling asleep
I can remember either the really good parts
(how her arms feel, what the air felt like that night
what it felt like to be loved)
or the really bad ones
(two hours of crushing loneliness, keep that smile on,
why don't you invite me over? what if they hate me)
but never just the normal ones.

The fun parts are how
when I remember that he came over
and told me to dance with him
when I got home, what I remembered
was that his hand felt like yours
and I will never feel your hand like that again.

The fun parts are how
I will fuck you up
if you look at my cat or my kids or my friends wrong
but it is okay if you hate me
I don't mind too much as long as I know.
I hate surprises, especially ones where I thought someone was okay with me
turns out to really really not be.

These are the fun parts.