you were fleeting

last night i found out
that I don't really know how she died
I know how people think she died
but I didn't know her name
or who she loved
or how she loved or any
of the whys
and there are so so many

But I don't, really,
know how she died
I don't know if she did it
or if someone else did it
I don't know if she loved me or
remembered me
but I know that we've had the same thoughts
what if I just got up and walked?
only she did it
what if

no grave for me to visit.
only lots of jewelry
and fading memories
and painful questions I am
too afraid to ask
and too afraid to know the answers
and a family history on both sides now
of holes in our heads
and our hearts.