Let's just ignore that previous title. christ.

On brief occasions
very brief, very occasionally
I worry that all the words that spill out so frequently
will one day spin their way into a web I can't talk my way out of.

One day all the words I spew and spit and speak
won't  mean a damn thing, because when I'm still and silent
all I see are hands wrapped around me and things I've never done
feet that haven't gone where I wanted them to and
lips that are fuller but angrier
and a life I'll never live is just too much to see floating around behind my eyes

and on the days that these thoughts creep nearer and nearer
I stay in my room, draw the curtains, dim the lights
and mourn the things I might have been.

Oh darling, darling
don't assume
it doesn't do any good
or do
as it turns out,
I occasionally take applications for my grief.

...

"But if you close your eyes
does it almost feel like nothing changed at all
and if you close your eyes
does it almost feel like you've  been here before
oh, how am I gonna be an optimist about this."



My skin itches on rainy days

and because it is summer
the thunderstorms around here are frequent.

Looking at my guitar and my piano
makes my brain itchy and my fingers twitch
I can't quite make myself go and play
but I sit on the couch and tap tap tap
and practice the chords and the notes
and try to remember what it was like to have my fingers fly
the way my brain does.

Fortunately, there is a small slightly evil cat here
and when she notices me getting upset
or moving too fast
or really any time she sees me existing
she comes over and makes her presence known. 

She knows when the brain and the stomach are doing terrible things
and she makes her presence known
and that presence is generally much more calming on most days
unlike today, where her presence has far more claws
and we are not getting trimmed until tomorrow.
My skin has a growing collection of holes
in the shape of pawprints.


I went to therapy for the first time since January or earlier
I can't really remember
but it was super helpful
and I think she wants to work with me to capture the parts of my brain that I like
the musical parts and the parts that are able to think coherently most of the time
and she wants to help rewire my fight or flight or freeze systems
which are in desperate need of a tune up or just maybe we should
strip the whole thing and put in new wiring. Or whatever it is that you do
to cars and brains that are magnificent fuck ups.

She's asked that I identify things that allow me to quiet the eternal brain chanting
and I thought of a few while I was there
the cat Evangeline and the way she cuddles
when the kids want a story or just to sit with me
reading, but I use that a lot to numb the pain and the fear and the anxiety
I can rarely concentrate for long enough to do one thing at a time
cleaning or playing games for longer than 5 minutes at a time is a struggle
I can read more because I can intersperse it with other things
I don't know really. I don't know what's wrong, but I know something
is off, and I have been off,
always,



there are always loops in my brain
things that stick, there was a ghost in my closet for 3 years once
and my brain still tells me that the food isn't mine that someone will steal it
so hide it squirrel it run away
Don't trust her, don't trust him, hide your children do not look at the sunlight
Don't tell anyone the truth, don't fight
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
don't touch my stuff don't read my writings what if she hates me what if I throw up
what if I'm not the best the brightest the strongest
what if I'm the angriest
hold your head still be careful migraines blinding pain always just around the corner.
why do my eyebrows never conform to a single shape no matter how much I or anyone else shapes them
why do my hands shake so much?
Why do I feel so indisputably ill after anxiety hits
why won't anyone believe me when I tell them I feel sick
why does the fear make it hard to say no but harder still to make meaningful connections
why is it only once or twice a month that I can push past the walls that I've built up
and let myself cry?

No one's girl

"And it's not much
but my money's on you."

I promise
I promise
I promise

that I loved you once
that I love you still

but some nights
I hate me.

Tickles

Things that tickle me to no end

filling up my kindle with new books to read

finding a cool new webcomic to read
(sorry, looking for group, I'll come back soon, I promise)

the stray cat outside that finally came up to me when I came out of the car
I put a bowl of food out for her, I hope she comes by soon
she looks thin and scared
but she looks like she could love you
she came when I called and let me rub her
she has big eyes
so hopefully she'll notice the food on my porch

Cats in general make me feel ticklish
nearly all of them come to me before I call
my cat in particular is a comforting beastie
she is so gentle and yet so aggressively friendly
it works well with my personality.
We can be lovingly hostile together.

Getting messages from my friends
whether I've met them or not
you are all so wonderful

when people apologize

lemon pepper

the Blunt the Knives song in the Hobbit movie

I have a friend that every time I see him
he will laugh at least twice, so hard he can barely breathe
and his eyes water and he occasionally rolls around on the floor
and just the thought of this makes me so happy
he is so beautiful when he does this
full of unrestrained joy
and we all howl with him.

Christmas music in the summer
what child is this and o come o come emmanuel

Getting a cookie that says
"a longtime admirer thinks highly of you."

all of the Dessa music

Playing Mario Kart incessantly

Talking to my friends.

Looking Today

I can see you.

wrote this on may 3rd, forgot to post it. not the worst

Here are the secrets of life
which is embarrassingly enough a reference to a song i loved
what feels like a millions years ago
and played over and over and over again
the secrets of my life feel pretty dumb

but go outside once in a while
because fresh air is something you forget you need when you cloister yourself
occasionally get fresh air.

it’s okay to medicate if you are hurting.
it’s okay to call a doctor or ask for help
don’t be afraid to keep trying to look for a good therapist
(I’m still working on that one)

Be as kind as you can to the people around you
but it’s more important to have your boundaries and humanity respected
that to be kind
your safety matters over their comfort
if I could tell myself that for the last 15 years
maybe my life would be different, better.

support your friends
stay in contact
keep a sense of humor
and it is okay to not like things
to call people out on things
to ask the dumb questions
what does that mean?
why do you think that is funny?

Ask questions
keep asking questions
to your doctors and the pharmacists
and the churches and your parents
and anyone who will speak to you
like you are important and you are so important

snuggle with cats and dogs
drink lots of water
don’t ever let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do
with your own body.

we’ll be right back after these messages.

I hate this but I also kinda like it? I need to write more and work on it...

When I went to Vegas, it was the lights and the flying that got me. I'd never been on a plane before and I was terrified out of my mind even though I'd been assured by friends and family that even turbulence was highly unlikely. Clearly these people still don't know me, as it took me a day to get over the one roller coaster I've ever been on, and it was a small one.

Once I was in the air, I calmed down after about 30 minutes. It was the slow rumble along the runway and the feeling that we were preparing to be launched that slowly turned me into a barnacle on my best friends arm, so my thoughts of "Oh god, oh god, we're all gonna die!" were interspersed with "please please don't let me crush her tiny wrists." Going up was terrifying. I'm not a fan of the feeling. When we were drawn up on that singular roller coaster I rode, I could feel every warning my mother has ever said to me watching me, looming over me. Multiply that by ten on the airplane. Mostly I just felt bad for the people around me. It's hard watching someone trying to repress some high levels of fear and just sit quietly. Personally, I was trying not to burst into some kind of wild laughter. I doubt there will ever be a moment where planes and I are friends. I don't think my suspension of reality is good enough to deal with giant metal things flying through the air.

Anyway, the moral of this pointless, rambling story is that there is no moral. I was scared of the plane, the trip, what I was going to do, if I was going to run out of money and I still had an awesome time. I would still go back and this time, I would pack lots of shorts and drink more and never ever see the goddamn blue man group ever again. Fuck those guys. Seriously. Also, sandstorms are scary and so is running through shin deep dark water in the streets, but you can always tell who is from Houston, because we are the ones running through it like we don't give a fuck. It's terrifying. Everyone on the plane back talked about how it was like our pointless asshole weather followed us to Vegas. I sat next to a guy who told me everything about the wedding he dropped everything and went to because his friends were eloping. Everyone on the plane was in a good mood.

Mostly it reminded me that I can spend days on end with my friends and not get tired of them. That they love me even when they are looking at me like I'm a little odd and when I'm terrified of cars.

But seriously though, they all walk REALLY fast. We need to work on that.