If you know me, you'll know.....
That country music inspires me. And that nothing anyone says can make me stop listening to it. Can't shame me out of it.
That I could talk incessantly about the Dark Tower series by Stephen King for weeks on end. Actually, I could talk about the entire Stephen King mythos for months at a time. I've only met one other person who could match my enthusiasm for it, and that's my dad, but I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm kind of weird for how much I like it. And I'm okay with that.
That while I'm desperately in love with the Joss Whedon world, I've developed an unhealthy obsession with Grey's Anatomy. I love nurses. Doctors aren't my favorite. So WHY?!?!?!? Someone tell me why?!?!?!?! Thanks a lot for the start of hospital drama and comedy, stupid stupid scrubs.
That my blue fingernail polish is freaking me out badly. I think I'll repaint them red soon, because my itty bitty tiny rebellious side is quickly receding back into the background.
That my twins are amazing beautiful boys. They also drive me crazy, cry too much, smell funky a bunch throughout the day, listen to Taylor Swift quietly, and I love them with a fiery power no explosion could match.
That that last statement made my mind go into pervert zone. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
That I enjoy Glee covers of songs more than the actual songs a lot.
That A Very Potter Musical is my favorite Youtube video series and that I consider its music wonderificus.
That "My 400-dollar-an-hour shrink says ... behind this rugged and confident exterior, I’m self destructive and self loathing to an almost pathological degree." I think this quote defines me about 50% of the time. Isn't that awful? It's true a lot of the time though. I'm not particularly proud of this, but it happens.
That my room is messy, horribly so.
That I am terminally afraid of horror movies.
That bagpipes and violins make my musical spirit soar.
That I want to be a nurse.
That I miss my (relatively) carefree days....and I feel incredibly guilty about that.
That I want to write more....and I'm going to try to. I promise.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Folsom Twin Blues
Today has been on and off cheerful and depressing. Not that anything in specific was depressing, but I just felt depressed for no apparent reason. Yuck yuck yuck. It was mildly horrific, as far as feelings go, but it was productive and while I hate the word productivity like I hate the word ‘potential’, which I do with a passion, I was glad to get some stuff done. The twins are a full month old and I can hardly believe it. They still look a little like preemies but my GOD, they are ridiculously strong. They continuously freak out me, Mike and my parents by yanking their heads forward and backwards all the time. They are just perfect and beautiful.
As a mom, I’ve learned that love is huge. Way bigger than I ever could have imagined. It’s amazing. As a new mom of twins, I’ve learned that I can survive on a level of tired that I didn’t even know existed. I can get up every three hours, change, diaper and feed two babies on little to no sleep. I discovered that I hate the NICU with a passion and I never ever ever want to spend time there again, so if anyone tries to touch my children until late January, I’ll most likely stab the hell out of them. I’ve learned that I need time to myself sometimes. I’ve learned that there is so much stuff to do that it’s really easy to get overwhelmed, so ask for help. A lot. I’ve learned that people are just DYING to hold my babies and I can’t let them and that makes me feel really really sad and guilty. I’ve learned that I won’t always get what I want and neither will everyone else. I’ve learned that it can be really hard to compromise and sometimes, you simply cannot, and that’s okay too. I’ve learned that taking turns while feeding the boys can keep people from going insane. I’ve learned that even if the present looks hard as hell, the future can look incredibly bright. And it does.
More coming.
As a mom, I’ve learned that love is huge. Way bigger than I ever could have imagined. It’s amazing. As a new mom of twins, I’ve learned that I can survive on a level of tired that I didn’t even know existed. I can get up every three hours, change, diaper and feed two babies on little to no sleep. I discovered that I hate the NICU with a passion and I never ever ever want to spend time there again, so if anyone tries to touch my children until late January, I’ll most likely stab the hell out of them. I’ve learned that I need time to myself sometimes. I’ve learned that there is so much stuff to do that it’s really easy to get overwhelmed, so ask for help. A lot. I’ve learned that people are just DYING to hold my babies and I can’t let them and that makes me feel really really sad and guilty. I’ve learned that I won’t always get what I want and neither will everyone else. I’ve learned that it can be really hard to compromise and sometimes, you simply cannot, and that’s okay too. I’ve learned that taking turns while feeding the boys can keep people from going insane. I’ve learned that even if the present looks hard as hell, the future can look incredibly bright. And it does.
More coming.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
They call her love
While writing a real post....this is to keep myself company. It's beautiful and heart wrenching.
…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
And the greater irony is that my love
then turned to such insanity
that the one thing it desired above all else
was the one thing it put irrevocably beyond its reach
in that one instant when, at your command,
I changed my habit along with my heart
to show that my body along with my heart
belonged only to you.
I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
never a marriage, never a dowry,
never any pleasure, any purpose of my own—
as you well know—
but only yours.
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard
…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
And the greater irony is that my love
then turned to such insanity
that the one thing it desired above all else
was the one thing it put irrevocably beyond its reach
in that one instant when, at your command,
I changed my habit along with my heart
to show that my body along with my heart
belonged only to you.
I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
never a marriage, never a dowry,
never any pleasure, any purpose of my own—
as you well know—
but only yours.
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard
Monday, September 27, 2010
Megan is.....
The proud new mommy of identical twin boys, Daniel and Luke.
More to follow.
Because there is a large story that goes with this,
More to follow.
Because there is a large story that goes with this,
Thursday, September 9, 2010
To A Stranger
Dear Stranger,
There were 2 of you yesterday. One was an excellent, attentive friendly nurse. Another came off that way, but then appeared to run screaming in the opposite direction for forty minutes while I was vomiting. It’s a good thing my mom and fiancé were there because I would’ve been by myself, covered in vomit, unable to sit up , clean up or take a shower for at the very least forty minutes. That’s kind of a scary thought because I couldn’t even move without shaking or feeling like I was going to fall over so I would have been stuck. I realize you have other patients to care for, but I was stuck. Literally. And when you came back forty minutes later, your nails were a different color. You looked shocked that I noticed it, even with me so ridiculously hyped up on Demerol. You wouldn’t write down your name and number and acted very put out when my mom did. Your supervisor wouldn’t get new bed linens or give us the code to GET new bed linens so when I was finished showering (once again, while you weren’t there, my mom literally held me up), I was stuck sitting in a bathroom full of vomit covered linens, and I couldn’t get up by myself and I could barely sit up. This isn’t to be mean or anything, it’s just to say that it was kind of scary, especially to a person who has never been in a hospital before. It was lonely and while I was very glad my mom and fiancé were there, it would’ve been nice to be able to count on the person that I was supposed to be able to. Thank God my mom’s a nurse, otherwise that might’ve ruined the whole nursing thing for me.
Nurse number one, though? Practically perfect in every way.
Megan
There were 2 of you yesterday. One was an excellent, attentive friendly nurse. Another came off that way, but then appeared to run screaming in the opposite direction for forty minutes while I was vomiting. It’s a good thing my mom and fiancé were there because I would’ve been by myself, covered in vomit, unable to sit up , clean up or take a shower for at the very least forty minutes. That’s kind of a scary thought because I couldn’t even move without shaking or feeling like I was going to fall over so I would have been stuck. I realize you have other patients to care for, but I was stuck. Literally. And when you came back forty minutes later, your nails were a different color. You looked shocked that I noticed it, even with me so ridiculously hyped up on Demerol. You wouldn’t write down your name and number and acted very put out when my mom did. Your supervisor wouldn’t get new bed linens or give us the code to GET new bed linens so when I was finished showering (once again, while you weren’t there, my mom literally held me up), I was stuck sitting in a bathroom full of vomit covered linens, and I couldn’t get up by myself and I could barely sit up. This isn’t to be mean or anything, it’s just to say that it was kind of scary, especially to a person who has never been in a hospital before. It was lonely and while I was very glad my mom and fiancé were there, it would’ve been nice to be able to count on the person that I was supposed to be able to. Thank God my mom’s a nurse, otherwise that might’ve ruined the whole nursing thing for me.
Nurse number one, though? Practically perfect in every way.
Megan
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Oh, half of my heart.
Oh dear, I probably shouldn’t be watching more True Blood. It’s bad for me but it’s soooo delicious. Seasons two and three, you have been SOO good to me with Lafayette’s character development. Take a look at this quote
“"'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger... with AIDS? In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS! Do anyone got a problem wit dat? Aw baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raisin' your chickens, even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your God damn table got aids. Well all you gots to do is say hold the aids here. Eat it! Bitch, you come into my house ,you gonna eat the food THE WAY I FUCKIN' MAKE IT! Do you understand me? Tip your waitress."”
That was season one. It only gets better.
"Don't get it twisted hunny, I'm a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whooole bunch-a otha' shit after that, but a hooka' dead last, so if I got even a Jew at an Al Qaeda pep rally shot at gettin' my black-ass outta this mutha' fucka', I'm takin' it; Now whatch' you wanna know?"
Sookie: "He's your maker, isn't he?"
Eric: "Don't use words you don't understand."
Sookie: "You have a lot of love for him."
Eric: "Don't use words I don't understand."
"Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon."
"Now Jesus and I agree to see other people that doesn't mean we don't still talk from time to time."
I’m not kidding, it’s just delicious. Sweet and sassy and southern as apple pie with a healthy dose of witchcraft, vampirism, Catholicism, sex and enough swearing to make a sailor blush. Not me, though, because I can singlehandedly bring a sailor to his knees. With my swearing, you perv!
In other news, I am officially the size of someone with a full term baby. With TWO more months to go. I’ve been reading a blog about a woman with triplets and I’m sitting here going “holy shit, how is my tummy going to expand THAT much more in the next two months???” With that said, I’d also like to say how blessed I am feeling, having gone this far with absolutely no problems, besides random agonizing joint pain and whatnot. And the doctors say I’m doing well. Which is great. Also, I’m weighing in at 171 which is RIDICULOUS. I was walking up the stairs today and trying to figure out why the hell everything hurt so much when WHAM! It hit me. I’m basically carrying around a huge fucking bag of dog food everywhere. No kidding, everything is hurting. *facepalm* I’m not proud at how often this fact surprises the hell out of me.
On a less positive note, I am so SO over this pregnant with twins thing. I have to pee every twenty minutes, my hips are KILLING me, my two boys like to shove my ribcage and headbang my vagina, I’ve developed strange cravings for tuna fish po boys with cheese, mayo and pickles from Antone’s (if you knew me, you’d know how completely creepy THAT request has been to my family), leaky boobs, ridiculously swollen feet and constantly being dehydrated. Not that anyone needs to know this but GOODBYE sex drive. Wow, even I get that was an overshare. HI DAD! Grrr, this makes me so angry. I am the quintessential hungry hungry hippo. Not cool. Beating the shit out of someone sounds delicious.
Mike proposed. I’m sure y’all figured that out by now, what with the crush/fiancé letter, but he did! And it still kind of blows my mind, looking at this ring. Which is now hanging around my fucking NECK because my hands are swelling. That fact all by itself makes me want to cry hysterically. The swollen feet thing I can sort of handle….but not wearing my shiny engagement ring? What the fucking fuck? At least Mike gets it, so I don’t feel guilty about not wearing it, but I’m kind of frustrated anyway. And at this point, I mean in tears frustrated, not baseball bat frustrated. Although my body does make me feel baseball bat frustrated. So do my ankles. I promise to rave and rant about the proposal and the ring sometime soon, at a time when I’m not feeling so depressed. Soon soon soon.
“"'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger... with AIDS? In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS! Do anyone got a problem wit dat? Aw baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raisin' your chickens, even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your God damn table got aids. Well all you gots to do is say hold the aids here. Eat it! Bitch, you come into my house ,you gonna eat the food THE WAY I FUCKIN' MAKE IT! Do you understand me? Tip your waitress."”
That was season one. It only gets better.
"Don't get it twisted hunny, I'm a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whooole bunch-a otha' shit after that, but a hooka' dead last, so if I got even a Jew at an Al Qaeda pep rally shot at gettin' my black-ass outta this mutha' fucka', I'm takin' it; Now whatch' you wanna know?"
Sookie: "He's your maker, isn't he?"
Eric: "Don't use words you don't understand."
Sookie: "You have a lot of love for him."
Eric: "Don't use words I don't understand."
"Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon."
"Now Jesus and I agree to see other people that doesn't mean we don't still talk from time to time."
I’m not kidding, it’s just delicious. Sweet and sassy and southern as apple pie with a healthy dose of witchcraft, vampirism, Catholicism, sex and enough swearing to make a sailor blush. Not me, though, because I can singlehandedly bring a sailor to his knees. With my swearing, you perv!
In other news, I am officially the size of someone with a full term baby. With TWO more months to go. I’ve been reading a blog about a woman with triplets and I’m sitting here going “holy shit, how is my tummy going to expand THAT much more in the next two months???” With that said, I’d also like to say how blessed I am feeling, having gone this far with absolutely no problems, besides random agonizing joint pain and whatnot. And the doctors say I’m doing well. Which is great. Also, I’m weighing in at 171 which is RIDICULOUS. I was walking up the stairs today and trying to figure out why the hell everything hurt so much when WHAM! It hit me. I’m basically carrying around a huge fucking bag of dog food everywhere. No kidding, everything is hurting. *facepalm* I’m not proud at how often this fact surprises the hell out of me.
On a less positive note, I am so SO over this pregnant with twins thing. I have to pee every twenty minutes, my hips are KILLING me, my two boys like to shove my ribcage and headbang my vagina, I’ve developed strange cravings for tuna fish po boys with cheese, mayo and pickles from Antone’s (if you knew me, you’d know how completely creepy THAT request has been to my family), leaky boobs, ridiculously swollen feet and constantly being dehydrated. Not that anyone needs to know this but GOODBYE sex drive. Wow, even I get that was an overshare. HI DAD! Grrr, this makes me so angry. I am the quintessential hungry hungry hippo. Not cool. Beating the shit out of someone sounds delicious.
Mike proposed. I’m sure y’all figured that out by now, what with the crush/fiancé letter, but he did! And it still kind of blows my mind, looking at this ring. Which is now hanging around my fucking NECK because my hands are swelling. That fact all by itself makes me want to cry hysterically. The swollen feet thing I can sort of handle….but not wearing my shiny engagement ring? What the fucking fuck? At least Mike gets it, so I don’t feel guilty about not wearing it, but I’m kind of frustrated anyway. And at this point, I mean in tears frustrated, not baseball bat frustrated. Although my body does make me feel baseball bat frustrated. So do my ankles. I promise to rave and rant about the proposal and the ring sometime soon, at a time when I’m not feeling so depressed. Soon soon soon.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day Five- To my Dreams
Dear Dreams,
Um, can we please please PLEASE get cheaper? I can’t afford you, fucking dreams! Well, I can, if I get an Associate’s Degree in nursing at a community college. But I’m not sure I can afford being a wife and a mommy AND get a degree in nursing. So if all y’all could say a prayer to whatever god you believe in to keep Megan strong in her dreams, she’d really appreciate it. It’s hard feeling like my dreams don’t matter any more. And they should. So stay alive, dreams. You are what I hold on to when life gets rough.
Megan
Um, can we please please PLEASE get cheaper? I can’t afford you, fucking dreams! Well, I can, if I get an Associate’s Degree in nursing at a community college. But I’m not sure I can afford being a wife and a mommy AND get a degree in nursing. So if all y’all could say a prayer to whatever god you believe in to keep Megan strong in her dreams, she’d really appreciate it. It’s hard feeling like my dreams don’t matter any more. And they should. So stay alive, dreams. You are what I hold on to when life gets rough.
Megan
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