Waiting

While waiting to see
if I have a new home
I am...overly verbal. I can
talk for hours and hours
only to come down quickly and be silent
for the rest of the day.
I don't like ups and downs.
They make my stomach deeply unsettled
so I'm waiting
not so quietly right now
to hear that I have acquired the things
I hold so dearly
my privacy
and a room
and a room for my children
a place I can have my friends over
and cabinet space.
room for my books
and my kindle
and my life.
please
please please

Scars

"I do recall now the smell of the rain
fresh off the pavement...
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
and now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
all that I know is I don't know
how to be something you miss."

"Hope it is nice where you are."

It was nice
and odd hearing from you today
I always feel so odd
hostile and kind
like I miss you
and I hate you
and I always wonder how long it will be
until I see you again
wish you'd talk to me more
How do you feel about Pacific Rim?
Do you still think of me in the morning?
Our random catch-ups make me wonder
how you are.

Whether or not I see you
I'll miss you.

(Insert title here)

I on occasion
mourn for the chance to meet new people
and while I live and hope and all that
I find that making a good impression and keeping one
is particularly difficult in making true friends.

With that in mind mostly I just miss
the warmth of seeing friends on a daily basis
but the friends I've retained past that
are a thousand times more than they were
on a daily basis.

I don't know how to adequately explain
verbalize
how I feel.

oh dearest ones
or one
whoever likes to send me
what I hesitate to call hate on tumblr
because even though it is painful
it is hardly hateful
it is just kind of silly
but it isn't spiteful enough to be hate
just annoying

but anyway
dear one
i am so sorry that my presence causes you
such disturbance and I wonder
do you bookmark my site
or do you just know the name by heart?

I bet if we talked we could find something in common
a mutual need for water or music we both like
or the annoyances of humidity and the effects on hair
Did you know I'm allergic to apples
that my favorite outfit always includes a pair of jeans
no matter what it is
my favorite drink is currently
margaritas of pretty much any flavor
I just love how the lime tastes
I haven't had my nails done in nearly a year
but I just got a haircut last week and having
this little hair feels beyond odd
clusterfuck and circle jerk are some of my favorite words
and how driving across town
even with simple instructions
makes me terrified.
but letting other people drive me places
makes me beyond crazy and there are very few
exceptions to this rule.
I hate that I have to take so many pills
even if they are prescribed
and I wish you the best
even if you hate me.

"Oh Mary, you're covered in roses
You're covered in ashes
you're covered in rain
You're covered in babies
covered in slashes."
~Mary by Patty Griffin


Things I want more

my friend cat Noah to come home
even if I can't have him
my own cat to love
the ability to catnap
literally
with a cat
and lots of purrs
to show my children what it is like to have an animal
meow until you pet it
and purr like a boat when you do.
To share a cold coke with a chris
to remember what it's like to be fearless
for a little while.
I'd like my phone case
which is purple (unintentional) and covered in octopus (intentional)
I want my own kitchen and my own christmas tree
and I want to have a housewarming party and
decorate my own place.

I want my head to stop hurting so much so consistently
and I want it quieter
I want to be able to bake fresh bread
as much as I want
and I want it to smell the way I like it

Pictures

I had a new memory
yesterday
I'm having trouble remembering where it came from
or why I remember it
now
but I remember why I wouldn't want to
remember it.

Every time there was family photos
for easter, christmas, birthdays and so on
someone ended up in tears
normally me
because we weren't smiling right
or standing right
and yelling at someone to smile better
doesn't make them smile at all
and things
that retrospectively
seem like micromanagement
that shirt is not okay
I can see your cleavage
go steam it I can see wrinkles
change your hair
too much makeup
fix your bra
that's the wrong bra

and I heard this everywhere
from church
to prom to school to bed
and everywhere in between.

Free As My Hair

Straightening my hair

has an odd effect on my 

self-image.

Much like when

I look closely into my own eyes

all of a sudden I see beauty

where previously, 

there was none.

But straightening my long hair

takes time and effort

and so it only happens

once in a great while.

Forget me not?

When i got a text
from you
a blank one
(               )
I remember that
on occasion I wonder
what you think of me
if you remember
the girl
in the dress
and how much she loved you

you probably don't
Because I was never more
that a girl with a crush to you
an easy off

forget me
please