masks

He looked at me
and said
"sometimes, you scare me
with the way you can act so easily"
and i thought about it for a while

the basic rules
are that acting is either for survival
or for hobby
but not both
because once you do it for both
you may forget what the mask is for
and the things you so painstakingly made
the mask you painted and cut to fit your face perfectly
may become your face

and to be perfectly honest
(which I never am)
I don't know which of me I prefer more

morning thoughts

Sometimes
you reach out and touch me
or you say "I love you " casually
I feel like I'm burning.
Please stop
but don't ever stop.

____________________________
I find myself secretly terrified
little ones
that the only way I'll appreciate you
is when you are not by my side
because when you are here I am frustrated
and angry. But when you aren't here,
I am so very sad and lonely.
These are not new feelings to cope with
but new tiny people that these feelings are
about and what do I do with them?

Thoughts in the dark

"Lost between Elvis and suicide
ever since the day we died
well, I've got nothing left to lose.
After Jesus and rock n' roll
couldn't save my immortal soul
well, I've got nothing left to lose."
~The Pretty Reckless

Sometimes
in what feels like the
oddest moments of my life
I think of taking your face in my hands
and kissing you, because you need so much
more love than you have or that I could ever
give you.

Only your face though
even in my darkest dreams
never do I bow down and worship you
And I'm never sure if it is because I think
I am too good for you
or if it is because I know
you are too good for me.

Content

"Maybe it's not blood bonds who make us
a family.
Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets
and love us anyway
so we can finally be ourselves.
xoxo
Gossip girl."

I rarely have long periods of time
where I feel complete and whole
I'm always moving, always watching
and looking for more or different,
my content is in the hunt, not in the
catch.
But I find moments
where my eyes tear up
and
I find the moments where
I am content.

Calling out Winter

The Light by The Album Leaf
(instrumental)


I don't know what's worse
in the heat of the moment
my jaw unhinged
or was it the buzz
but I told a half truth
and now I know which is worse

the us that was
is probably just you and me
(separate)
now
and
I know that you
don't know me anymore.

So perhaps some love lost
pause
rewind
erase
tape over
forget
the giant hole in my stomach.

I'm Alright

"We lost touch
we lost in love
we lost our minds when things got tough
but
beating time is a losing fight
and I guess I'm doing alright."
~Jo Dee Messina


There are people I've danced with
and I can't remember all of their names
and this bothers me.
I've danced as much as I could
with what I've been given
and I dance in my imagination
and in my dreams
to all of the music I know.

I write because
I hurt all over
because the pills that I take
don't work and it is frustrating
and because the words have to mean something
I have to believe in something
and I write because I have stories and
I want to tell them sometime
I want to live on in my words
achieving immortality in some way or another
does that make me self centered?

oh well, my supposed self centered-ness aside,
I can dance in my living room now
I have a living room large enough and clean enough
and a person who's happy enough to dance with  me
who told me
whenever we dance, I want to kiss you.
I fall in love when we clean the kitchen
and when we yell at each other from across the rooms
and waking up gives me terrible satisfaction
because what if it is all a dream?
What if I'm still trapped
still stuck?
What if this walk forward is all temporary
one step forward
ten steps back?

But what if it isn't?
What if these plans I'm slowly building
amount to something so very beautiful

Phantom

There are phantom pains

that I have known

inside my brain 

and on my body

on my left leg, behind my knee

was the first time I was stung by a wasp

when I was thirteen and at camp

and I can still feel it sometimes

and on my right knee

in gym class at twelve

told the teacher I could not do the jump

was made to do the jump anyway and 

popped my knee out of place. 

It took a week to get it back in 

and it still hurts in the cold weather. 

and when I see the tail on my new cat

Evangeline

(ma belle evangeline)

there's a brief pain because that raccoon tail 

belonged to Noah.

There are scars and scars that run beneath 

my hair in my scalp that hurt and ache on occasion

the corners of my head and underneath my ears especially

even if they are old and self inflicted 

they are still achy, especially when I'm tired.

There are hands 

that when I see them

cause me such pain

that I worry that my internal organs will explode
and then my bed calls me for days
and I worry that I'll never move forward

and there is a purple scar on the lowest point of my belly
long and thin
and hidden
it almost never hurts

the cold makes my joints ache
and my hair freeze
but I smoke my cigars and drink my coffee
and cuddle ma belle Evangeline
NOT all together
and watch the fireworks tonight
and read terrifying books
while thanking the voiceless gods
that I am here.