Slices of Bright

Sometimes
I see old pictures
and they remind me of
bright times. Or they seem
bright.Maybe brighter?
 I'm not really sure if it
is real or if it isn't.
Perhaps retrospective sight
makes things friendlier,
because I remember
pain then too,
just processed differently.

Fortunately,
I see my friends
even if it is rare
on the high holy days
and I feel a little better
even these days
as dark as they feel
can have slices
of bright.

I don't know if You can hear me, or if You're even there

A few days ago
I read an article
about the Catholic church
and how people were refused entry
without washing their hands.
It was an exceptional article and protest
but it ripped some internal part of me open
and salted the wound.

In the article
the man who wrote
talked about feeling spiritually homeless
and it resonated painfully and profoundly
because I can pass
If I didn't speak the truth
no one would know
and that affords me privilege
that not everyone has

But beyond all that
there is pain
from a person who was raised
to believe that God loved me
as long as I followed the Bible
only to find out that
who I am
doesn't measure up.

And so that's something
that has been floating in my head
for a little while.
Now onward,
to better things!

meep

Oh
you called me
back and I am so
fucking embarrassed
and I haven't even said
anything yet.

I can feel
myself flushing and
feeling flustered and I
haven't even begun to say
the words you might need to hear.

"so many things that
I wish you knew
so many walls up
I can break through"

I hope you
mean it when you say
we can see each other and
I hope you
hear me and
believe me because you
are on my short short list
of people that i give a fuck about
and I care what you think about me
and
I hope I didn't break things
to where I can't fix them

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I'll be a better sister
this time.

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way the words do

This is an apology
to a person who will
probably never read this.

I am cold and mean
at times
brutal and an ass
but I like you

and sometimes I say terrible things
and I won't remember them
because I assume everyone
has the same pain tolerance
that I do
and mine is so very high

I am sorry
that it takes someone else
bringing it to my attention
that I hurt you

I am sorry
I said that I don't trust you
you haven't done anything to prove
that you aren't trustworthy and
while I may have said that in jest
I'm sorry that it was taken as truth
because I do trust you.

I am sorry
that I did not look past my own nose
to see that you were hurting too
and that I didn't see your pain
through my own.

All I can say
is that I suck
a lot
more often than sometimes
and I don't mean to hurt you
and I'll try not to do it any more.



So to be brief
which I can be truly bad at
I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry you were hurt
I was hurt similarly and I know
what you are going through
I'll try not to be so much of a jerk
You are my family
and I miss you
and I love you
and I want you to be around
and I hope you forgive me.

And let me say this out loud.
Because I want you in my life.

There is a Castle on a Cloud

I am building
my house
right now.

Even though I do not
own one yet
even though I am
borrowing and renting
from someone else
on someone's charity
and love
I am building my house
right now

Figuring out
what I want
to have and to do
with my time and love
and space.

There will be lots of
tea in my house
and music, ever present
and pervasive because why
the fuck not.
Hellboy and Dr. Who and Buffy and Firefly decorations and
probably a Legend of Zelda shield
hanging somewhere
and it will probably be
messy, because there are children
and I am not a neat person at heart
but there will be a clean sink
and one or two cats roaming the house
and books and a kindle scattered hither
thither and yonder.

In my house
a good sense of humor
is appreciated but not required
and the wine glasses will hold more
sparkling grape juice then wine,
probably,
and no matter how big or small or medium
it is
there's always room on the couch
if someone needs help
or just a place to sleep for the night.

Public school over private school
and teaching my children to be kind and funny
and creative and
always letting them know that they are loved
no matter what
and having a chalkboard wall
or two.
Because the kids may need to draw on the walls
and so will I.

Love over beauty
in my house.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel here....

In a funny, less introspective
turn of events,
my family and I went shopping a night or two ago
I am not a fan of leaving the house much
for a variety of reasons
but mostly because
having one two year old is hard to deal with
and I have two.

And it made me laugh
because they are so full of innocence
so full of wonder at
rows and rows full of carrots and lettuce
and they can't quite get the freezer doors open
and they insist on holding your hand sometimes
and holding the basket the other.
I never quite know which one.

They continuously stare at absolutely everyone
but when they see children their own age, they
get these giant grins on their faces.
And I try to remember that
when they are throwing fits and fists
and screaming and
I am being triggered.

Off to play with another post

When I am afraid,
to sleep
when things are knocked off the walls
and the lights don't work
and the blinds are open in the windows
after I closed them
I wear his medals
and write lyrics and
quotes
and St. Patrick's Rune
on any available
skin. It works:
I slept well last night
no dreams
no breathing.
Quiet today.

On a lighter note,
I've discovered Reddit.
While I dislike a lot
I spent a good three hours yesterday
laughing until I cried on the ask Reddit posts.
So, positives on that one. People are fascinating.
And scary. And terrible.
But terribly funny.

As I listen to this song
I realize that the best advice I ever got
as well as the worst
comes from country music
but seriously
"Be a best friend
tell the truth
overuse I love you
go to work
do your best
don't outsmart your common sense
Love like crazy."
Good, solid advice.

Billy Joel and Disney music
gets a sing-a-long
every. single. time.

Just started watching
Sons of Anarchy.
Mixed feelings.
Want to learn to ride a
motorcycle now.
Thankfully I have
uncles and brother -in-laws
and even possibly a dad
who might be willing to help me
learn.

Pleasantly talkative people
making my day.