As your hand brushed mine
I remembered what it felt
to feel maternal
to love.

This face
my face is really really
exhausted by the way things are
currently
so I'm going to do what I do best
which is write sad blurbs
and answer questions
if I feel like it.
Life is too sad
to be straightforward about
what's happening right now.

" I don't think that Heaven waits
for only those who congregate...
But I believe in love
I believe in music
I believe in magic
and I believe in you."

I hate skirts. So much.

I have really weird feelings about the Hannibal show.
I've read some really fantastic commentary that encompasses
it, but I'm torn. I really need a few days of quiet so I can watch it
but that would probably result in me being afraid to leave the house
for a while. Visually, it is beautiful. And cannibal related puns are
hilarious. And unintentional. I hope.

After almost three weeks of feeling horrifically ill,
it is a relief to go back to feeling relatively normal.
I'm not good mentally, but physically I'm a lot better.

I wish I could say I'm specifically
a cat or a dog person
I love love love cats
I love the feel of the soft fur
and the soft purr and
the way they bite or claw you randomly
but how most of them love me and knead
my various body parts
and jewel eyes
but I love dogs
I love unconditional love
and tail wags
and barks and slobber
and a large warm body
and exuberant joy at sight.
I just want a pack of cats and dogs
that roam around my house
that eat and snuggle
and roam with me.

Irene Adler's battle dress in Sherlock
made me scream with happiness.

I feel sad and horrible and alone
many minutes and many hours and many days
but there are also minutes and hours of the day
that I feel loved
sometimes when a friend reaches out
or when I'm excited about dinner with a brother
or laughing hysterically over something I've read.

I lived in an apartment with a garden tub
for two or three months
it was glorious.
I like the water I am in to be boiling hot
to the point of being painful
but I am learning to take cool showers.
I'm not currently a fan of baths but I'll
sit in a tub full of painfully hot water every
once in a while.
The cold showers feel good though.

I want one of these quite badly. It will be a while before I buy one
or any of the other many things in this shop
but I love the look of it. Let's be friends, tiny octopus.

The closest thing to me is my phone and kindle.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce books, currently
and rewatching Dr. Who, because I love comfort stuff.
Dr Who isn't comforting so much as familiarly painful
but OH WELL.

I am a Taurus.

Anne

"I've got nothing
no magic words
to stop the leaving
to end this hurt
I'm just blank
and staring into space."

Yesterday,
4 firefighters died
in a fire in my town.
It was the deadliest day
in Houston Fire Department history.

RIP
Anne.
You are and will be
missed.

The worst pain
I feel arrives during
the moments of flatness.
The moments when my eyes
hurt so bad
and the contacts must
come out
when my vision is compromised.

Everything bad
originates at my head.
My eyes
my teeth
my nose
my ears
my scalp
my skin
my brain.

All causing the
never ending pain.
I hate this.

On these days
I have to hold myself
particularly still
hoping to not jar any more pain
into my life.

Pain is
perpetual
continual
eventual.

I hate pain
even though I consider
it to be a solid fact of life
like the blood that follows me
and my hair, which tangles
no matter what I do.

Times have changed and
now I welcome blissful
blank darkness
even though my love of words
can only be seen
in the light.
The horror.
The light ruins my eyes.
Should have been a cat.
Good clear vision
short life.
Sleepy sunny existence.

One Song Glory

"An interesting theory, let me propose an alternative one:
I am going to win this time.
And this is a theory I have built up
from the following postulates
one- I win every time.
two-this is a time.
three- I will win this time."
~John Finnemore, Cabin Pressure, Paris


I like the Avengers
in the current incarnation.
They are the ones I like and prefer
I like Christopher Nolan's Batman
but I prefer the Catwoman of Tim Burton
and Joss Whedon's second Buffy
to his first
and I liked Cabin in the Woods
and Harry Potter even though I started reading those
too late for them to help my childhood.
I love mythology in all the various incarnations
but the way I view all my forms of media
can be taken in a variety of ways
so I just say that I like them in general
and only try to traumatize people I'm close to.

My friends and I tend to enjoy intense discussions
of various media and fandoms and whatnot
and
he called me Loki
he said that out of all the Avengers
in the current area
I am Loki.

Awkward.

I struggle
with the concepts of grace
with the concept of love
and forgiveness
and peace.
with the concept of family
and the execution.
because you can be brought to a family
and still not be a part of it.
someone who delights in words and concepts
but is shut down frequently.
I'm dying, save me
but I hate you.
Brothers brothers
brothers.
Thousands speaking
in my stream of consciousness.
We are not friendly
or nice
or playful
but we could be.
We could be cats purring
or torturing mice
it depends on nothing and
everything.



I
should
read more.
I am reading
more, but I should
read more. Things like Tumblr
and Reddit are truly entertaining but I need to read
books more, long and laborious and
instead I spend my time on the computer, which is
fun and funny but not particularly fulfilling.
Don't mind me, I'll just be complaining over here
about technology, which makes no fucking sense
since I am deeply in love with my kindle anyway.

I have a love-hate relationship
with my phone. Mostly, I hate the way
it ensures that I am always connected to the
outside world, the way it pulls me out of situations
that I want to be in, how annoying it is when it wakes me out
of the rare sleep I have. I hate that I have to read whatever stupid
fucking inane text or voicemail someone has left me, I hate being interrupted.
I feel like as long as I have my phone, my leash will be on. It
has to be turned off for me to feel like I'm free and even then
I need to turn it back on because I've been conditioned to check
it like my house might be set on fire.
Contrarily, though, I like talking to people. I hate calling them. But I like the
talk, sometimes. I remember pleasant phone calls, back when
I waited for people to call me and liked when I heard
for them. Now I am mostly annoyed.
I'm not sure what I want from my phone
maybe it is just
that I don't want
to have to
have one.

IT HAS COME TO THIS

"not as deceivin' as a low down dirty deceiver."
"Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?"
"Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."

Firefly


Things I've learned about myself from Tumblr.

Pretty things make me smile.
Anything from the first episode of Game of Thrones makes my inner pain TEN TIMES WORSE.
I feel weird about Doctor Who.
The more obscure things I like have random things too.
There are much, much bigger fans of Joss Whedon. Like terrifyingly.
Good art is subjective. So is good music.
As a person with mental problems/issues/illnesses, I am so far from alone.
Even on the days I feel so isolated, I am not alone.
There are a large subset of people who would sacrifice Glee at an altar of Satan to bring Firefly back.
discovering 'new' music has become much easier.
Everyone loves the kittehs.
There is a fandom for EVERYTHING. This makes my love of obscure, random things much much more easy.
Even when I'm weeping uncontrollably, I'm laughing.

"You have pointed out my flaws again
as if I don't already see them."

It is the day after my birthday
and I am sick
sick sick
and there's a line of bottles
on the desk
that are all prescriptions
and how am I supposed to feel better
if there aren't cats to love me
and purr at me?