I'm Alright

"We lost touch
we lost in love
we lost our minds when things got tough
but
beating time is a losing fight
and I guess I'm doing alright."
~Jo Dee Messina


There are people I've danced with
and I can't remember all of their names
and this bothers me.
I've danced as much as I could
with what I've been given
and I dance in my imagination
and in my dreams
to all of the music I know.

I write because
I hurt all over
because the pills that I take
don't work and it is frustrating
and because the words have to mean something
I have to believe in something
and I write because I have stories and
I want to tell them sometime
I want to live on in my words
achieving immortality in some way or another
does that make me self centered?

oh well, my supposed self centered-ness aside,
I can dance in my living room now
I have a living room large enough and clean enough
and a person who's happy enough to dance with  me
who told me
whenever we dance, I want to kiss you.
I fall in love when we clean the kitchen
and when we yell at each other from across the rooms
and waking up gives me terrible satisfaction
because what if it is all a dream?
What if I'm still trapped
still stuck?
What if this walk forward is all temporary
one step forward
ten steps back?

But what if it isn't?
What if these plans I'm slowly building
amount to something so very beautiful

Phantom

There are phantom pains

that I have known

inside my brain 

and on my body

on my left leg, behind my knee

was the first time I was stung by a wasp

when I was thirteen and at camp

and I can still feel it sometimes

and on my right knee

in gym class at twelve

told the teacher I could not do the jump

was made to do the jump anyway and 

popped my knee out of place. 

It took a week to get it back in 

and it still hurts in the cold weather. 

and when I see the tail on my new cat

Evangeline

(ma belle evangeline)

there's a brief pain because that raccoon tail 

belonged to Noah.

There are scars and scars that run beneath 

my hair in my scalp that hurt and ache on occasion

the corners of my head and underneath my ears especially

even if they are old and self inflicted 

they are still achy, especially when I'm tired.

There are hands 

that when I see them

cause me such pain

that I worry that my internal organs will explode
and then my bed calls me for days
and I worry that I'll never move forward

and there is a purple scar on the lowest point of my belly
long and thin
and hidden
it almost never hurts

the cold makes my joints ache
and my hair freeze
but I smoke my cigars and drink my coffee
and cuddle ma belle Evangeline
NOT all together
and watch the fireworks tonight
and read terrifying books
while thanking the voiceless gods
that I am here.

Players only love you when they're playing.

"listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives
you mad
In the stillness of remembering
what you had."

I paint my nails deep red
so deep
almost black
and it makes the movement of my hands
something I can appreciate
so even if I hate the face I see in the mirror
I can still pull apart the parts of the body
and figure out the ones I like.

the migraines aren't few and far between yet
but the meds work
and regardless, the cat makes me laugh
and I can have dark and quiet occasionally
which allows me to heal these strange internal wounds

Changin'

What if
instead of telling stories
my gift is telling lies?

My cat tells me
in purrs and loud howls
to give to her
ALL of my lap
not part, not just a leg
but ALL of the lap. Preferably with
both hands petting and scratching and lots
of kisses. She lets me touch her paws, all of them
and rub her chest and belly with impunity
She loves playing with her toys and
cuddling in bed and on the couch and everywhere.

These days I feel so very
pleasant, with wonderful cordiality towards
a great deal of man and woman kind. My
irritation is still easily stirred, but I am smiling more
easily now and getting along more with others and
I am significantly less sad.

The people here
know my name and laugh with me
and wave when I go by
and even though my instinct is to be unfriendly and afraid
I smile and wave back
and even come in sometimes and say hello

And remember what I was like
and who I want to be.

Every night since I've moved here
I've had dreams
most of them are Coven related
I assume
women in high heels
clicking
thocking
up long wooden staircases
worshiping
and cats
cats everywhere
sitting on my chest and on my pillow
and purring at my feet and
biting my nose.

That last part isn't a dream
but finally a reality
and tiny warm body who
purrs constantly and licks my face
and unfortunately meows all night
as well
(I am so sleepy right now)
but so very obviously loves me
and all the food I stand for.


My evenings these days are spent
making dinners and then watching
Breaking Bad
all in all
a pleasant way to live life

Things that Make me Happy

In living
with my own family
in my own place
means that I can eat what I want
and cook when I want
which I enjoy
and I figure out how much to spend on groceries
and when can I afford a cat
and I don't disturb anyone with my actions
and the only people who can disturb me are the ones
I choose to let disturb me.
I have my bookshelf by my bed
arranged in an indecipherable order
and I'm picking out art for the apartment.
I have a blue couch I picked out
that reclines, but is longer than I am
so I can sleep on it and it is beautiful and comfortable
and I have a garden tub, and I can take baths.
I can be me here.

Home

I have my own place now
and it is lovely
and empty currently
and I am so

incandescently happy

to have it to be there
to love it there


I can't wait to see
the possibilities and the things
that I'll be able to do.