Players only love you when they're playing.

"listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives
you mad
In the stillness of remembering
what you had."

I paint my nails deep red
so deep
almost black
and it makes the movement of my hands
something I can appreciate
so even if I hate the face I see in the mirror
I can still pull apart the parts of the body
and figure out the ones I like.

the migraines aren't few and far between yet
but the meds work
and regardless, the cat makes me laugh
and I can have dark and quiet occasionally
which allows me to heal these strange internal wounds

Changin'

What if
instead of telling stories
my gift is telling lies?

My cat tells me
in purrs and loud howls
to give to her
ALL of my lap
not part, not just a leg
but ALL of the lap. Preferably with
both hands petting and scratching and lots
of kisses. She lets me touch her paws, all of them
and rub her chest and belly with impunity
She loves playing with her toys and
cuddling in bed and on the couch and everywhere.

These days I feel so very
pleasant, with wonderful cordiality towards
a great deal of man and woman kind. My
irritation is still easily stirred, but I am smiling more
easily now and getting along more with others and
I am significantly less sad.

The people here
know my name and laugh with me
and wave when I go by
and even though my instinct is to be unfriendly and afraid
I smile and wave back
and even come in sometimes and say hello

And remember what I was like
and who I want to be.

Every night since I've moved here
I've had dreams
most of them are Coven related
I assume
women in high heels
clicking
thocking
up long wooden staircases
worshiping
and cats
cats everywhere
sitting on my chest and on my pillow
and purring at my feet and
biting my nose.

That last part isn't a dream
but finally a reality
and tiny warm body who
purrs constantly and licks my face
and unfortunately meows all night
as well
(I am so sleepy right now)
but so very obviously loves me
and all the food I stand for.


My evenings these days are spent
making dinners and then watching
Breaking Bad
all in all
a pleasant way to live life

Things that Make me Happy

In living
with my own family
in my own place
means that I can eat what I want
and cook when I want
which I enjoy
and I figure out how much to spend on groceries
and when can I afford a cat
and I don't disturb anyone with my actions
and the only people who can disturb me are the ones
I choose to let disturb me.
I have my bookshelf by my bed
arranged in an indecipherable order
and I'm picking out art for the apartment.
I have a blue couch I picked out
that reclines, but is longer than I am
so I can sleep on it and it is beautiful and comfortable
and I have a garden tub, and I can take baths.
I can be me here.

Home

I have my own place now
and it is lovely
and empty currently
and I am so

incandescently happy

to have it to be there
to love it there


I can't wait to see
the possibilities and the things
that I'll be able to do.

Waiting

While waiting to see
if I have a new home
I am...overly verbal. I can
talk for hours and hours
only to come down quickly and be silent
for the rest of the day.
I don't like ups and downs.
They make my stomach deeply unsettled
so I'm waiting
not so quietly right now
to hear that I have acquired the things
I hold so dearly
my privacy
and a room
and a room for my children
a place I can have my friends over
and cabinet space.
room for my books
and my kindle
and my life.
please
please please

Scars

"I do recall now the smell of the rain
fresh off the pavement...
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
and now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
all that I know is I don't know
how to be something you miss."

"Hope it is nice where you are."

It was nice
and odd hearing from you today
I always feel so odd
hostile and kind
like I miss you
and I hate you
and I always wonder how long it will be
until I see you again
wish you'd talk to me more
How do you feel about Pacific Rim?
Do you still think of me in the morning?
Our random catch-ups make me wonder
how you are.

Whether or not I see you
I'll miss you.