Rage face

Five days since writing a post.
I'm having trouble doing things
or keeping up with stuff in general.
I'm not happy
at all.
I feel flat
and upset a lot,
I don't have very much patience
and I'm very tired.
I need some quiet time somewhere
But I can't seem to find it very well.

I have crafted a rage face
over the last seven years
and it is built from every time
I have felt afraid walking to my car
or some asshole has told me to smile
or that one time, someone told me he'd like me
to sit on his face.
Screamed at me on a trip to San Antonio
while I was standing on a street corner
with my husband and our two friends
or when a man follows me three quarters of the way
over to my car
only to notice the knife in my hand
and the look of crafty intent on my face.
Or the various people who have grabbed my hair
or while I was pregnant, found it necessary to touch
my belly without asking permission.
my rage face is a necessary evil.

I feel like I lose everything.

For instance, I lost my kindle when I moved.
 I know it is in a box somewhere,
 because I packed it..
I remember it.
But, we weren't moving any time soon,
 and I needed something to fill my incessant need to read,
 so I switched to my husbands' touch pad,
 as he wasn't using it all that much any way.
 I lost it two weeks ago between the living room
and the bedroom and
I still can't find it.
It is making me crazy.
It doesn't seem to bother my husband
which also is making me crazy, because
now I feel super guilty
but I am resolved to find it today
if I have to completely raze my room
to find the damn thing.

The Walking Dead
has been pissing me off for quite a while
but last episode broke my heart
into a million little pieces
Rick, you shamed Lori into keeping her pregnancy
never forgave her or reconciled with her
even when she tried
and now she's gone
and I AM NOT GETTING OVER THIS ANY
TIME SOON.
THANKS A LOT.

I am super tired these days...
It is pretty hard trying to keep my kids in some
sort of semblance of order
and hang out with my husband
and have friends somewhere
and hope that we move out at some point
and that one day we'll have a home that
I don't have to share with multiple other people
and hope that I can get a job at some point
and lose weight
and not feel so hopeless all the fucking time.

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album

which is called Red.

And as usual I got the deluxe edition

and I love it pretty much all over the place

and like I have for the last few albums

I love about half 

and it will take about a month longer

for me to love every song.

For the most part though

I love the songs

they are sad and lovely

and speak to the heart

which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Painful memories tonight

Because I hate everything and

everyone. Which is another way

of saying how isolated I feel currently.

I remember sitting

on a couch after someone left

multiple times for days

because the couch still smelled like

him after he left. It lasted for months

and kept me together

like glue.

I remember the coach hitting on me

And trying to figure out

Are you a student?

Is this allowed?

What?

I remember that he used to complain to me

About my lack of communication skills

Which retrospectively feels hilarious

Because I never. Stop. Talking.

Really.

I remember him sleeping with someone

The same day we broke up

And how I know this?

Because the next day I called him

To try and get back together

That was a weird feeling.

I remember wanting someone so badly

It hurt when I couldn’t have them

But theoretically, I could have.

I still to this day

Have no idea

Why I said no

Finally

If I just got tired

Or if I never truly believed in us to begin with.

Sea Food

A weird thing about myself
I love seafood
I love fish
tuna
catfish
eel
redfish
mahi mahi
shrimp
I love crustaceans
crab
crawfish
lobster
I love mollusks
Clam
octopus
squid
mussels
I have an odd obsession with it
and if I can have it
I will,
beyond almost anything else
seafood and pasta are my favorite
with seafood and salad
and seafood soup
especially gumbo and clam chowder
and sushi is food for the gods
and I haven't been able to eat it
for the last 8 months
because the medication I've been on has
been making my body intolerant to seafood
which was horribly frustrating
for someone like me
for whom sushi is a treat
and chowder is comfort food
but the comfort food started turning
my tummy into the room of pain.
But the medication wore off this month
and I tried sushi
and for once I didn't spend the next few hours
feeling like I was dying.
and since that was about a week ago
I haven't had much sushi
or anything else that I love
oh cajun food, you are calling me
but I cannot have you for a while
because I am trying to slow down
and also I have no money.

Day after Halloween

On the day after Halloween
there is candy everywhere
and bits of costumes scattered all over the house
and pumpkin buckets everywhere
and Halloween consists
of sending pictures to everyone
and alternately loving and hating your own costume
massive headaches
and cookies
and costumes everywhere

I'm sad it is done
because I didn't do everything I wanted to,
but I'm glad I got to do what
my kids wanted
and my husband wanted
and there's always next year.